Michael Lohan Arrested for Felony Domestic Violence

Michael Lohan: Fame is an octagon

It's seems like trouble is the Lohan family business. On that score Lindsay seems to be the main bread winner with her frequent legal run ins and rehab stints. Papa Mikey is no slouch when it comes to rowdy hell raising himself. Mike has this problem which is that he occasionally likes to go ape shit on what ever woman is brain damaged enough to be dating him at the time. Like Kate Major. Kate was some kind of reporter or something with Star Magazine who got hooked up with and then dumped by Jon Gosselin. She rebounded on to Mike Lohan. I'd call that a case of sloppy seconds except that Major hasn't qualified as 'seconds' for many many helpings. She's more like that thing festering in tinfoil at the back of the refrigerator.

Anyhow they were getting along famously and Kate was saying Lohan was the great love of her life, just the way she was saying Jon Gosselin was the great love of her life. It's a lady's perogative to change her mind - so Kate might as well try it too. Things were going along hunky dory until some one got drunk, we're not sure who but it could have been both of them, and then the shit hit the fan. The story that trickled down to the public via twitter, the internet, and supermarket tabs, was that Mikey got home all liquored up and found Kate drunk and out cold in an arm chair. one thing lead to another as such situations often do and soon Kate was sprawled on the floor and the cops were on the way. This couldn't have happened at a worse time for Mikey since he only had 2 weeks left on his probation for some previous domestic assault type incident.

Some guys never win. In Mikey's case it's more like some guys never learn. That's because it appears lover boy has pulled another one of his patented shit for brains stunts. The details are so far sketchy, but it goes something like this:

"Mr. Lohan was arrested after we received a call around 9 p.m. regarding a domestic dispute. He was detained after he was spotted walking on the street near our station. He showed no signs of intoxication that I'm aware of and has been cooperative."

At least that's the version Lt. John Ratto gave People Magazine. Maybe Lt Latto is some kind of celebrity liaison officer. The slightly more detailed version as Lohan assaulting an unnamed victim. Lohan thens tarted complaining about an "unrelated medical condition" - I'm guessing chest pains. So he was rushed over to Cedars Sinai Hospital. He's currently laying low there while he contemplates his next move.

That next move better involve a way to raise a hughnomous wad of cash, 'cause this time the police are holding him on 200 000 bail. It's gonna be tough for Mikey to pull in those kind of funds since Lindsay is the oly one in the family with any kind of income. Her income is currently tied up in rehab bills and lawyers fees, stemming from her own particular brand of mayhem.

So look on the bright side - Japan may be about to go nuclear, the mid east may be dissolving in turmoil, Charlie Sheen is threatening to unleash violent torpedoes of truth on the nation in the form of a cross country stand up tour, and Donald Trump may be poised to run for office on a Sarah Palin presidential ticket; but at least Michael Lohan is off the streets and in some kind of supervised environment for an indefinite period of time. Every once in a blue moon the system works! There could even be an up side to this. Mikey might eventually earn his own living by pitching a reality TV concept where he fights other D List celebs! They could call the show Michael Lohan's Starwhackers! It'd beat American Idol to hell!

Firecrotch Redhanded

As for the second most troubled member of the Lohan clan, Lindsay is set to pull a Mel & plead no contest to her jewelry stealing charges. Her mother Dina emphasizes that o contest is not the same as guilty - it's completely different in the way that not guilty doesn't mean innocent. She then goes on to call LA a fucked up town - that's not news but saying it won't make her any friends, and talk about some imaginary film projects she's considering for her daughter.

Personally I'd recommend a few whacked out calls to Alex Jones (make sure to frequently mention starwhackers) followed by a Lindsay Lohan nation wide stand up tour. They could call it "Sticky Fingers", or if the Rolling Stones get pissed over that then maybe "Firecrotch Red Handed". Read about that over @ Zimbio!

Paris Hilton prosecutor busted in coke deal

Paris Hilton is a gal who gets in and out of trouble. Like Lindsay Lohan she usually gets away with it. Usually it's because she always lands on her feet. Sometimes one of her 9 lives comes in handy. Then there are those other occasions when her deal with darkness must be responsible. Like lately.

Paris has a fondness for the kind of party favours that you can't get at your local 5 & dime variety store - not unless there's a twitchy homeless guy standing right outside the door. These are the kind of party favours that can get you in a bit of trouble with the law. Trouble is what Paris got when she got nabbed with a significant amount of cocaine in a purse she later claimed wasn't hers - even though it had all her ID in it. Naturally Paris had to go off for another one of those smashing mugshots of hers. She was then set free to continue with her own special brand of celebrity mayhem!

As usual when Ms. Hilton is involved things can take strange and unexpected turns. Like in this case. Paris was tried for her hard partying ways by a Las Vegas prosecutor named David Charles Schubert, 47. In fact he's more than a prosecutor - he's a chief deputy DA. He's no stranger to publicity either since he also threw the book at Bruno Mars over his cocaine related misdoings. So he's had some previous experience with drug busts and the kind of bad PR they can bring. No previous experience could've prepared him for what was about to happen - though he really should've known.

Seems that Dave was out and about, on the street as it were, when he ran into an old acquaintance. Never one to breeze past one of the little people Dave stopped to pass the time of day. One thing lead to another and pretty soon the chief deputy DA was making a drug deal. By drug deal I mean that the dude was buying crack.

Now there's no shame in that. Chief Deputy DA is a rough job high on demands and with tons of pressure. You're only as good as your last win because those hungry jaws poised just above you on the food chain are expecting results and not excuses. So sometimes having something that gives you a little added edge - like Popeye with his spinach - makes everyone happy. Everyone except for the poor buggers who get sent to the klink!

It's a victimless crime and if no body sees it then no body gets mad. However in this case the aforementioned David Charles Schubert made a whopper of a mistake - he did let some one see him do it. The person who saw this dirty little deed go down was probably the worst person in the world to be standing near by when you're buying dope off of a street dealer - and that's and undercover cop! According to the Las Vegas Review Journal -

Schubert was arrested by a Las Vegas police patrol officer about 4:51 p.m. near Desert Inn Road and Maryland Parkway.

The patrol officer saw what he thought was a drug transaction and stopped Schubert's vehicle near Sierra Vista Drive and Cambridge Street, police said.

The result was that Schubert was whisked off to the very same facility that Hilton and Mars were taken to, and for much the same treatment: finger printing, mugshot, and I assume strip search followed by anal cavity exam. Officers of the court need to be held to higher standards so we don't want anyone thinking he got off easy by slipping something up his sleeve, or up anything else!

So far Schubert is being cooperative - a really aggressive anal cavity exam will to that to you. However that attitude is a little after that fact. Since he got caught red - or white -handed, the prosecutors are going at him. His boss DA David Roger is particularly disappointed. He expressed his disapproval in the following terms:

"It's disheartening to know the individual who I assigned to prosecute high-level drug cases is allegedly using rock cocaine. His future is bleak with the district attorney's office."

I haven't heard such strong language since the last time I brought home a report card! The fact that Schubert was named to a high level Las Vegas anti drug task force probably heightens the disappointment. No one wants to think about a fox guarding the hen house scenario!

Not everyone is appalled and disgusted with this so called law enforcement officials sleazy shenanigans. Schubert's erstwhile adversary - the Red Baron to his Snoopy - has spoken out in support of the disgraced, and by now tweaking like crazy, prosecutor. David Chesnoff is a hi profile Vegas attorney who's crossed words with Schubert in both the Hilton and Mars cases. Chesnoff had this to say about his fallen adversary!

"I'm a big believer in the Constitution. I believe everyone is innocent until proven guilty. And I always root for the underdog. I will say this: David's always been a real professional and always treated me with respect, so I wish him the best."

Well there you go - trouble comes when you least suspect it and you find friends where you never thought to look. That ought'a do as a moral to this sad and sorry cautionary tale. That is unless you wanna make something out of it like - LEGALIZE DRUGS ALREADY! Then again others like a more traditional moral like "Men who live in glass house better not throw rocks - even if they're rocks of cocaine". As for myself, I'll go for something more common sense and nonjudgmental, like "Make sure that your own nose is clean before you go sticking it into other people's business!. Unless you're an entertainment blogger that is - then go for it!

Money Never Sleeps & Marriage Comes Back To Haunt You

Happy ever after in the market place

Money and marriage seem to go together like love & marriage in the movies. Why not since we are living in the real world, or at least the material one. So naturally when folks get hitched up money issues get highlighted. That's why the legal profession thought up the pre nup as a form of marriage insurance. Now a famous Hollywood ex wife is helping the law talking guys dream up some new precedents that could impact the way movies get made, for better or for worse.

Deandre Douglas is the ex wife of Michael Douglas. She was his wife back when he had a booming movie career instead of cancer. They split up some where along the way and the usual financial arrangements got made. Deandre went away quietly and Michael went off with a woman who's seldom quiet. That's Happily Ever After on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

Fast forward several years. Michael is still hitched up to Catherine Zeta Jones. He's also make a motion picture come back with Wall Street 2 - Money Never Sleeps. The sequel is an idea you can bank on in Tinsel Town cause it's like betting on success. The people who enjoyed you're previous work will probably come out to see you "to be continued" stuff. That is unless you got drunk, went nuts, and turned racist or something. Then forget about it. Your celebrity career will consist of nothing but beating up your Russian girlfriend and getting your mug shot taken. But enough about Andy Dick.

Wall Street 2 did pretty good because Michael Douglas is a very talented actor director producer screen writer etc. That's just the stuff he takes credit for and not including writing the musical score and working out some snappy choreography that unfortunately never made it in. Plus he's a nice guy by Hollywood standards, which translates into not usually a jerk in man in the street terms. So the flick made some money.

That's where Deandre comes in, and out of the wood work. She's suing mike for a piece of the action. "Didn't she get paid off already?" many of you might be asking. Sure she did. Mike might be a strong willed sex addicted ego maniac but he's not a stinge. Then why is she coming back dogging an ill man? Well as usual there's a catch.

the better half better have!

According to divorce law when a couple splits the better half is entitled to everything the more valuable half earned during their years together. Mike & Didi split up years ago and back when Catherine Zeta was a mere 40 year old slip of a thing. However Wall Street 2 is the sequel to a movie made when Mike was with Didi. So she's arguing that this is a continuation of the first film. So it's covered by community property. So she should get half of Michael's take from the flick.

It's an interesting legal argument that might have some basis. The idea is that this is a totally separate project. The reality is that this plays on some past work. A good portion of the film's success comes from people having enjoyed the previous film. Deandre is entitled to her share from the original, so she has an argument for a piece of this. Whether her lawyers can get a judge to agree with that is a matter for the courts.

This is where the story gets interesting. Hollywood has been running out of good ideas ever since American writers stopped doing good novels and Andrew Lloyd Weber killed Broadway. With the usual sources of good ideas gone that makes sequels an important source of new screenplay material. So tons of these things get made. Most of them aren't as watchable as anything Michael Douglas might do.

Now it's no secret that almost everyone in Hollywood is as into serial marriage as they are into making sequels. It's also common knowledge that divorces cost the big players a bundle. Steven Spielberg got taken for half his net worth when Amy Irving cut him loose. That was about 100 million at the time. Pre nups were supposed to provide the big boys with some kind of coverage. However if this goes through and sets precedent then no one's safe anymore. That means every time some one pumps out some sequel from some thing done tens years or so ago, then the ex and her jackals could come out of the wood work to open old wounds. Since no one wants that this means the death of the sequel!

Since sequels are totally over done and an excuse to get good money out of bad films, it might be worth rooting for Deandre. She could be the woman who kills the sequel. Id f she can pull that off then she'll have changed the way that movies get made. No more resting on past laurels. That can only be good for the industry. Just think of a film industry with no more sequels. So they can get on to making other kinds of flicks. Like stuff based on comic books, video games, and classic TV series. So you go girl!

Curious Orange Eager Beavers

Here's the 1st Wondertrash World Cup story. Seems that the wave of exuberance hitting international soccer community is now reaching criminal extremes! If you've been following the Cup and the surrounding stories then you may have heard of the Dutch supporters who show up to Netherlands matches in tight orange mini dresses. Since they're all attractive young women this is getting some attention from the media - though not as much as it might if the mini dress wearers were a pack of stocky, balding, bearded, hairy chested middle aged males (the males would have larger boobs for one thing!). Marketing experts can't think of everything.

The Orange Brigade finally got themselves really noticed. Seems a pair of the young Netherlands supporters got themselves arrested for parading around the stands in their gaudy skimpy glad rags. Not because they revealed anything, but because it was revealed that they were part of an unauthorized advertising campaign.

Now since the advertising in the World Cup is more valuable than Superbowl time, and even more tightly sown up, the powers that be didn't take kindly to these surprise tactics. So the young ladies got arrested, hauled off, booked, and arraigned. The young women don't seem to take their predicament very seriously. They were seen and photographed smirking throughout their arraignment. They even stated , for the press, that they can't believe that they're in trouble for this, and that they should be allowed to wear anything that they like. FIFA doesn't see it that way, and has accused the young women, and the instigators behind them, of "ambush marketing". Maybe they meant 'bush marketing'. Anyway the whole thing is still up before the courts. That means even more attention to the Orange Gals, and their mysterious backers! One thing, it's good that these young ladies weren't part of a Canadian marketing scheme since we don't need stories about the Beaver Patrol!



FIFA might be going over board by punishing initiative in this way. The most you can say about it is that it's a crude, below the belt marketing ploy that succeeded in spite of it's self. The success is largely because FIFA has drawn more attention to the stunt by prosecuting the women. Further more it sets up a 'defiance against authority' angle of the kind that PETA used to love: youthful women suppressed by a greedy cartel of international fuddy duddies. FIFA might have been better off letting this slide. The whole thing might have been worked out if a competitor sprays down the young lovelies with rival colours - maybe pink! That would have the added advantage of sopping wet young women squealing and wiggling around in your official standard!

Let it slide that is, unless these young women are involved in some kind of reality TV pilot. Given the new disturbing new rumours about around the world 16 year old Abby Sunderland - her broke ass father was pimping out a reality TV show while she was setting off seaward and unsupervised (give him a break, he's broke & unemployable with 7 kids to support. If it worked out they're rich - & the worst case scenario is one less mouth to feed) - reality TV might be a real possibility! In that case these little tramps should be punished to the fullest extent of the law, and beyond if possible. They'd be getting off easy - if what we've seen of reality TV is any indication participants might have a better chance with a case of terminal cancer.

Shannon Price Round 2!

sole beneficiary

Shannon Price has taken her conniving and money grubbing to the next level. Gary Coleman's ex has submitted an addendum to Coleman's will, purported hand writen by the late actor himself. The addendum makes Ms. Price the sole heir to Coleman's. The document states that "all and any monies, properties, bank accounts, earnings, model trains, vehicles, cars, toys, games, electronics, homes, other inheritances…," should be left to Ms. Price exclusively. The document goes on to say that "This I have done because of my personal selfishness and weakness and I love her with all my heart.", supposedly in Gary's words.

where's there's a will...

While it is still being debated whether or not Shannon had the right to disconnect Gary's life support, the merry widow is claiming that she was still Gary's common law wife despite their 2008 divorce. Shannon claims that they were still living together and that in fact they were continuing to have sexual relations right up to the bitter end. Well not the very end. She was too busy arranging photo ops of Gary's corpse. Still that answers a question that was on people's minds since Gary announced that he had married her. Though the pair were tight lipped over the sex question during Coleman's life, it only took the promise of a possible windfall to get Price to own up about the sex thing. If there are any lingering doubts about the sex thing don't worry; I'm sure that Ms. Price would even be willing to release a sex tape, supposing that suich a thing exists.

still in the will or grasping at straws?

The one fly in the ointment is the the document is dated 2007. Their divorce was in 2008. Shannon claims that they were still man and wife in all but name only. She further maintains that they continued to hold joint bank accounts and file joint returns together, but only up till 2008. They did file submit an extension for 2009 as "filing jointly", but since that may have been filed as the relationship was disintegrating, it might not hold weight. Meanwhile yet another will has surfaced leaving Gary's estate to a mystery woman. That could put a monkey wrench in Price's plans for a return to Caesar's Palace for more pampering! It also brings the Gary Coleman Will Fiasco to the Howard Hughes level of complexity. If too many of these documents surface the estate will be hung up for years, with no one benefiting.

Whoever said that you can't blame someone for trying never ran into this bitch! If she keeps this shit up some one will be tempted to run into her, with a truck!

For the gory details hit the link to a copy of the purported will addendum - Price Coleman will.


On a side note I would like to say that I met Gary once briefly about a year back. It was @ the Yonge & Bloor Starbucks. I told him that I loved his work and thought he was way better than Different Strokes. He said I was the only one who truly understood him. He then quickly scribbled out a will on a napkin, leaving everything to me. I will be submitting this shortly. Why should I be the only one not in on a piece of the action?

Wrongful Death

Gary Coleman - more opportunities than ever before & this time nothing to complain about!

Wrongful death is the theme as Gary Coleman's parents take it to the next level. They started asking all sorts of questions following their estranged son's suspicious death. Now Coleman's parents made it clear that they weren't blaming Gary's ex wife Shannon Price. Explicitly not blaming a person is the sneaky way of blaming them - as if by pointing out that suspecting the person would be the reasonable thing to do but your not going to do it in spite of that. Besides they merely want closure.

Well spite aside, Gary's parents now are suing for custody of the remains. That sounds a little odd since they were to interested in Gary while he was still alive and among us. In fact their had been a 25 year separation between them. Now that he's gone they seem making up for lost time.

So what interest could they have in Gary Coleman's body (besides releasing the autopsy video for cash?). Perhaps they wanted it tested to see if Shannon was poisoning him or something. That is unless they actually planned to have Coleman's corpse stuffed and then taken on tour, in a last ditch effort to wring more money out of the hapless fellow. I will say this - fighting over the body is a poor way of getting closure. Another thing, this is something that Sophocles never anticipated in Antigone. Then again for clear portrayal of human nature inaction you have to resort to the Bible.




In other news David Carradine's widow is suing over his death. Carradine was found in a Thai hotel hung by the neck in what appeared to have been a sex stunt gone wrong. Carradine had a history of sex related weirdness including trying to shoot him self in the groin with a blank cartridge. Carradine later commented on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson that he'd screwed up a perfectly good tattoo over that stunt.

History didn't stop the conspiracy theories from growing. Soon kung fu message boards were posting that Carradine was a rogue shaolin master gone to Hong Kong to crush the Chinese mafia. He had been assignation on the way by black hand Taoists masters as Bruce Lee had been when he tried the same stunt decades earlier. Or so the story goes.

Well no his widow is getting in on the act. She's suing the production company over wrongful death. I'm not sure what the basis for the suit is but it doesn't seem to have anything to do with Kung fu conspiracies. It may not even have much to do with hotels letting in underage hookers - but the production company has more cash than the hookers. I guess the Widow Carradine has been in Hollywood too long to believe in conspiracies, & especially when there's a buck to be made (to which she may even be entitled). There's no people like show people, you know!


truths, half truths, and utter bull shit:


Wondertrash would like to confirm that the rumors are in fact true: Mel Gibson did briefly work in Australia under the screen name Randy Gibb!

"Bridge on the captain!"

—William Shatner, after filming his death scene in Star Trek Generations.

Allegedly. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/3673712/William-Shatner-The-man-who-fell-to-Earth.html

Blogged with the Flock Browser


Wonder

Freaky Friday

livin' la vida Lohan

Lindsay Lohan has had her brushes with the law. In fact she's still on probation for a DUI. That charge got batted around the system for awhile until last year Judge Marsha Revel made it clear to La Lohan that something has to be done about the drinking and driving. Revel ordered Lohan into a alcohol awareness type program (Lindsay is already aware of alcohol - maybe even hyper aware). To drive the point home the judge ordered Lindz to attend once every 7 days.

sweet land of liberty

Now the American legal system is riddled with loop hole - as FOX News loves to point out. Sometimes they allow lesbian pink gun gangs to terrorize fit young men as if they were all in a Monty Python sketch. Sometimes they allow confessed cocaine addicts to escape prosecution,go on to become president, and then plunge their country into war & economic chaos. This time they've allowed Lindsay the leeway she needs to continue her desperate party lifestyle.

to consistent to be reliable

The flaw in the system this time lay with the school (the other weak link in the Great Society). While Lindsay must attend her alcohol program once a week as per judges orders. the school is only required to report her if she misses 21 days. So guess what happens. Lindz skips 2 classes regular as clock work, and shows up on the 21st. Lindsay may have complied with the school's requirements, but defied the judge's.

what we are dealing with here is a total lack of respect for the law

Naturally this sort of thing can not be tolerated. It's especially intolerable when the courts somehow manage to find out (the court system is extremely over worked - probably from being backed up with repeat celebrity offenders). In fact the judge may have suspected something like this would happen, because she stipulated that if Lohan didn't comply she would go off to jail with no ifs, ands, or buts about it!

half fool

Now Lindsay has another hearing coming up on May 20th. So all this information is bound to come out. Lindsay's lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, is optimistic. He says "We have received no negative written report from the program and contend Ms. Lohan is therefore in compliance." Some see the glass as half full and others half empty - but does this guy even see the glass? Then again Lindz has had a good track record where sentencing has been concerned. So who knows whether she's finally run out of luck.

Besides, if Lindz does get some jail time it will make her # 1 admirer Dr. Drew Pinsky happy. Plus it will but her felonious father Michael Lohan one step closer to that conservatorship he dreams of. So that's a win - win situation. For everyone except perhaps Lindsay. Hang in there kid!

Monsters Inc.

The creators of South Park have rushed in where angels would fear to tread. They had a big episode planned in which they intended the to portray the Prophet Mohamed (Peace be upon him - for our Muslim readers) in a bear costume. The segment never made it to air. Wiser heads prevailed, and the segment was pulled. Those death threats may have had something to do with it. A fatwa may boost the show's ratings.

A fatwa did wonders for Salman Rushdie and the Satanic Verses. I'm told it was a mediocre book and otherwise uninteresting, but bagged a bunch of awards on basically a political angle - like Aleksandr Isayevich Solzhenitsyn/Алекса́ндр Иса́евич Солжени́цын and his Gulag Archipelago. Except that Solzhenitsyn was actually a very good writer! He bagged a Nobel Lit Prize for that back in the days when the USA was trying to embarrass the commies on the world stage. That strategy backfired since Solzhenitsyn had gone religious during his imprisonment, and took the opportunity to decry the materialistic West. "At least in Russia we have oppression. Here you have nothing!"

It also badly backfired with chess prodigy Bobby Fischer. The powers that be thought he would be the ideal instrument to beat the commies at their own game. However Bobby went mad from pressure, or possibly KGB microwaves beamed into his dental fillings. He died in Iceland still talking about how happy he was that 911 had happened, and polishing his tin foil hat.

As for Salman, he is married to Padma Lakshmi, so politics does have it's perks! In the long term it might be a bad career plan for Matt Stone and Trey Parker, especially if they got killed or something. This ain't FOX News you're dealing with, although FOX has racked up their own fatalities - Dr Tiller "the Baby Killer".

Speaking of trouble accused sex offender and esteemed director Roman Polanski is one step closer to a long anticipated return tot he land of the free - but not for any life time achievement award. A California appeals court has throw out his appeal to get his statutory rape charge dismissed.

Polanski shouldn't have relied on appeals, since he's not very appealing. Charles Grodin, who worked with him on Rosemary's Baby described him as an asshole. They had a disagreement over a scene in the film. Grodin, as the doctor, has to give Rosemary some unusual news. Grodin paused before delivering his line, since it seemed the reasonable thing to do. Polanski insisted on redoing the scene with no pause, explaining that he was paid big money to direct films. Grodin went on to reveal that Polanski irked others on the set. Apparently John Cassavetes wanted to haul off and deck the little pervert. Sounds like someone is losing the support of the Hollywood community!

There's another Muppet Movie on the way. Now you might think that a Muppet Movie in this day and age wouldn't stand a snow balls chance in hell. Especially without Jim Henson - the prime creative force behind the popular puppets. The Muppets aren't worried about that, they have an ace in the hole. They have a new character named Walter or something. Unless Walter is gay, or insults the Prophet Mohamed, I think that the film might not generate enough interest. Also I hear that Jennifer Lopez may be playing the role of Miss Piggy, with Marc Anthony as poor hen pecked Kermit. That might be worth a look see, especially if JLO delivers the dreaded karate chop to her husband! Hiyaaaa!

Jackson Child to Testify Against Dr. Conrad Murray

"I think we really let me down!"

The Jackson Clan aren't responsible for Michael's premature passage into final Neverland. They've said hundreds of times that they couldn't save him from himself. Maybe that's why it's okay to cash in on it. They even gone so far as to trot out the children: Paris, Prince, and Blanket, to several public occasions. Michael said that the children would only ever be pimped out over his dead body - so since it's okay with him why not?

Doctor Bullseye

Besides, the Jackson's know who's really to blame - that creepy cardiologist Dr. Conrad Murray. The Jacksons have gone to extremes to be sure about this too, like paying off encouraging witness, bullying staff, and bringing in hired guns to reach the conclusion they want get to the truth.

No reason in the world

Fortunately for the Jacksons, Paris & co weren't tasered silly by their mischievous cousins, because they're coming in handy once again. It seems that at least one of them is gonna be testifying against Murray at trial. It's a shame that Michael kept them secluded for so long, because as any show biz veteran can tell you - there are no end of uses for innocent appealing young children. I suppose that's a lesson Michael himself learned along time ago, & the hard way. At least the kids are getting out into the world more.

Accentuate the positive

Besides it's important to keep focused on the positive. As long as there's clearly defined scape goat villain to persecute blame, the Jacksons never have to explain where they where during their famous brother's downward spiral. So they can go on milking his death for what ever they can get out of it. Hurray!

Tiger's Teacher Traumatized

Tiger Woods should've probably taken some time off following his big sex scandal. He could've gone sailing, done some therapy, worked on his marriage, and then returned to the game that needs him so badsly after everything had blown over. Right now he's radioactive. Playing the Masters only keeps the story hot. While the story's hot there are gonna be a lot of people who want to tap into the toxic fame for themselves. Like Tiger's kindergarten teacher.

For years Tiger had been telling a story about how he'd been the victim of a racially based assault in kindergarten. Some kids, according to Tiger, tied him to a tree and then spray painted him with racial epithets. It's the kind of story that plays up the triumph over adversity angle. Just like George Washington and the cherry tree (It was very inspiring to hear about some one making it in politics despite honesty!). It turns out that like the cherry tree, Tiger's school yard assault never actually happened. At least that's what the teacher is telling legal loose canon and Rachel Uchitel council Gloria Allred.

The woman in question has come forward because she feels she is just as entitled to an apology as any of Woods' mistress. No that Tiger poked her or anything. Not even Tiger would've been capable of such preschooler prowess. It's that the story has disturbed her.

The kindergarten teacher must be a sensitive soul. She claims that since Woods started spreading these stories about mischeif in the schoolyard she has become chronically stressed out. She's even developed colitis, insomnia, and a host of other complaints that are either real, imaginary, or totally spurious. So Tiger needs to say "Sorry". Once the mea culpa is out of the way then they can move on to the lawsuit that they seem to be positioning themselves for. That may sound cynical but I doubt that Allred is repping the lady out of the goodness of her heart. Remember that once you say sorry you've accepted liability and can be sued! Just look up an old Rockford Files episode called the attractive Nuisance if you doubt it. Watching lots of TV has made a whole generation pretty aware!

Now here's MSNBC news hottie Contessa Brewer with their resident gossip expert for more details. I guess that Contessa is one of the few that Tiger hasn't gotten around to yet. Hey, the guy is still young!

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Spaced out Saturday: L Ron Hubbard & Scientology

Swingin' with the stars

You can't write a blog about celebrity without occasionally mentioning the beliefs of some celebrities. Celebrities are people who wanted to stand out as the best of the best and then settled for 'different'. If they were anymore different they'd be special. Being special is the 'operatinational' code of every celebutard, and that includes having 'special needs'; whether it be in cars, sexual partners, wacky children names, radical political beliefs, and out of this world spiritual views.

The Post-modern Profit

Among celebrity gurus L Ron Hubbard is easily the most celebrated. He even eclipses the Beatles guru Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. Mahesh Yogi naively tried supplying westerns with answers. Since that had been a losing proposition ever since the days of Sigmund Freud, Westerners quickly cottoned on to this. Hubbard instead offered personality, space ships, and unbelievable PR combined with the promise that anything is possible for those who obey (the "operational" mantra of any cult leader).

Walter Mitty: "When can I stop pretending to be some one else and get back to pretending to be myself?"

In other words he made a lot of stuff up. He claimed that he had fought with pirates, bonded with Hopi Indians, discovered Uranium while mapping the interior of Africa ("It was through my exposure to the radiation that I was able to access inner sections of my Akashic memory"), and in fact enough for ten lifetimes. So much stuff that he had to include reincarnation into his schema to account for being in too many places doing too many things. Reincarnation left him too much time to fill, and so he had to spend ten million years as a clam (Hence the "Operation Clambake" motto of some of the cults equally fanatical detractors).

Truth is stranger than science fiction

His real life exploits as a megalomaniacal con man were easily more interesting than his made up life as a swashbuckling adventurer. L Ron Hubbard was a failed con man who was never a WW2 combat hero - as he claimed. He was a member of Aliester Crowley's ORO Templis lodge. Crowley later kicked him out for being too crazy (an opinion Charles Manson would later voice about Scientology). By then Hubbard had met Jet Propulsion Laboratory founder and rocket scientist Jack Parsons. They were both heavily into the occult. Hubbard cheated Parsons out of $5000 and his wife. This was also about the time he came up with Scientology/Dianetics, since he had concluded that "In order to make real money I'd have to start my own religion". After allegedly stealing a lot of ideas and also some writers' manuscripts he was in business. The rest is tabloid history.

Minds should be free, but the tech is gonna cost ya!

Now here's Doc Film about the strange life of Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard.

Bad News For Homewreckers

It was a sham marriage that was the envy of every other sham marriage

Some bad news for man stealers. A court has just awarded a spurned wife $9 million for the loss of her marriage. Now the award wasn't against the husband but against he mistress. The wife maintained that the marriage was a fairy tale with a successful attorney husband and intelligent attractive children until a scheming other woman set her sights on what didn't belong to her. The basis of the suit was 'alienation of affect'. Since the other woman was accused of being responsible, she had to pay. Look out Angelina Jolie, 'cause I think that Jennifer Aniston just might have a case based on this precedent.

Sue your yoga instructor!

You can now successfully sue anyone. Though that takes some of the meaning away from OJ Simpson's $33 million wrongful death judgment in the Ron Goldman Civil Suit, it is something to bear in mind in case yoga class doesn't work out! Yoga malpractice is a plague that must be stopped, by law suit if necessary!

Oprah off the hook

If Oprah Winfrey ever meets the Pope then they'll have something to talk about like child abuse and law suits. If you'll recall Oprah barreled in South Africa like a bull in a china shop in order to open up her Dream Academy. Suicide attempts and allegations of sexual abuse followed. Some staff members got the sack and Oprah spoke some harsh words about the head mistress. Even though Oprah probably hired the woman personally - it was her project and she was very hands on, she seemed to suddenly decide that the chick wasn't kosher.

Well the head mistress decided that this was defamation. You know how influential Oprah can be and with the Winfrey seal of approval withdrawn the woman would probably be out of her profession. More importantly she probably decided to that Oprah has enough money to make wrong right (No one has that much money!). So she sued.

Well no the law suit has been dropped. It was settled out of court, and without the head mistress's attorneys, and in a manner that Oprah's reps describe as "to both parties mutual satisfaction. If you're thinking pay off then you won't be alone. The less cynical among us might just wonder what sort of a new car Oprah bought the woman.



BTW I can report that the rumors that Lauren Velez, Lt. Maria Laguerta on Showtime's Dexter, has been approached to play Oprah Winfrey in a biopic are fabricated.

Did Michael Jackson's Doc Stop CPR to Hide Drugs?

More creepy doctors

Yet another blow for the health system that boasts the best care money can buy. This time it comes in the form of disgraced Michael Jackson doc Murray Conrad. Conrad got himself into a spot of bother when it was revealed that he was making house-calls (bad enough in it's self) to shoot Jackson full of the powerful OR anesthetic profonol.

This is irresponsible conduct for a doctor regardless of the money he was offered - unless the doctor is Jack Kevorkian (serial murderers have a morbid attraction to the medical profession as sadists do to dentistry - "Let me just apply this special gag on you before I drill into those strong white teeth!"). So naturally the surviving members of the Jackson clan have come after him with dull rusty hatchets. Now claims are surfacing that the doctor stopped CPR on Jackson so he could rush to hide drugs before the emergency response team arrived! That was very conscientious of the good doctor, even if it wasn't very helpful. That's the trouble with the best care that money can buy. Oh well, there's bound to be a flaw in any system.

Charlie Sheen Faces the Music but Does He Know the Score?

2 1/2 Men star going off half cocked?

Charlie Sheen is going through a trying time. He goes to court today to face domestic battery charges made by his crack addicted wife stemming from the alleged Christmas Day Knife Fight at his home. The story has gotten complicated since then: Brooke Muller is saying that it never happened and her lawyer is saying that it did. Basically Charlie and Brooke have reached a legal impasse: Brooke won't testify if Charlie doesn't leave her and Charlie will pretend to reconcile if Brooke doesn't testify. A $20 million a year meal ticket hangs in the balance!

Now this might sound crazy but you should know that Charlie is no stranger to intrigue. He's a regular listener to conspiracy theorist Alex Jones - when he's not surfing the net for illegal pills and borderline porn (according to Denise Richards during their divorce, though she now claims Charlie was a non abusive husband and a far out dad! 20 million meal ticket! BTW Alex is an acquaintance of Speidi and even briefly followed them on Twitter. Even tin foil haters can get star struck - but over Speidi?). He has even called the show. In fact he's even narrated a documentary on 911. Let's take a peep while we consider whether Charlie might get off on some insanity plea.









If you're ready to face the truth then check out this mp3 of Gary The Spaceman Bell's latest edition of The View From Space.

Letterman Blackmailer Guility

Rogue 48 Hours producer Robert Halderman happened on a little get rich quick scheme involving sex, revenge and 2 million dollars. The idea occurred to him when he discovered that his girlfriend was still seeing her former boss David Letterman. When I say that they were seeing ea ch other I mean that they were seeing all of each other! Inspiration can be a funny thing.

Well Bob decided that the story of his betrayal had to be worth something to some one, so he dashed of a little screen play. Then being the gentleman that he is, he decided to let David Letterman have first crack at the screen rights - just to show that there were no hard feelings. Well no good deed goes unpunished and Dave decided that this gesture was more of a shake down than a good turn. "Whoa this is blackmail" he claimed the police explained to him when he reported the incident. Now I'm sure that Dave is clever enough not to require an explanation. In fact that was probably in his mind when he went to the authorities.

Well the upshot is that between the jigs and the reels Haldermen got busted walking out of Dave's office with a check for 2 mill in his hot little hand. That lead to the aforesaid public mea culpa in which Dave tried to take responsibility for his actions by distancing himself from them. The angle worked out so well that Dave might well teach a class in celebrity mea culpa. Of course Big daddy Dave had a little help from Late Night Musical Chairs fiasco that's been going on lately. The Olympics were kind of distracting too.

Events were not to be so kind for Robert Halderman. Despite the loud and aggressive noises of his attorney, Bobby was facing an uphill battle in the court and in public opinion. Gravity eventually won out and Halderman pleaded guilty in a plea bargain. The conditions include the usual gag order in which Bob isn't allowed to go writing any scripts based on Dave, or any characters with a coincidentally resemblance to Dave. So case closed.

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Milkaholic Lindsay Lohan Defamed and Suing

The lives of celebrities have their ups and downs.These ups and downs frequently lead to civil court. Lindsay Lohan, who is no stranger to due process, feels that she has been defamed by a parody ad which describes her as an "addict". Perhaps Lindsay feels that she is more of a social user. It must be said that Lindsay is a very sociable person. Anyway Lindsay is very upset and demanding satisfaction by way for some huge legal settlement. Besides the money might tide her over until the next film part comes along, when ever that might be. She'd better hold out for a big big settlement!

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