Lindsay Lohan: Living on the Ledge but Still Employable

Pushing the limits is their job - but knowing where to stop is minding their business!

Fame's a mixed bag. You can be one of the most famous people on earth and still not make money out of it (if you're unfortunate enough to be OJ Simpson then it could even drive you broke!). This usually happens when some celebrity has gone too far with pushing the limits. Then they can become an insurance risk, unreliable, or just too much of a pain in the ass to be worth bothering with.

deflation & stagnation

The gossip blogosphere is full of celebs have become so overheated that they probably couldn't land a job in the entertainment industry if they stood by the side of the road holding up a cardboard sign reading "will act for food!" Lisa Rinna tried that a few years back when she tried reviving her post Melrose Place career; though the sign read "Honk if you love Lisa". The stunt didn't work out so she got her lips deflated. That sparked some mild, temporary interest in the actress. She's currently trying to decide on her next career move, which will either be revealing something startling about her personal life, or going into reality TV!

when the big picture looks like a jig saw puzzle

Mel Gibson is the current king of radio active celebrities. When he went nuts in the back of that squad car after a night of trolling the bars there was no turning back. Well not after he went Hitler and started divulging his strange crypto-Catholic anti Masonic conspiracy theories about the Jews causing every war in history as a way to prevent Cardinal Siri from ever becoming Pope Gregory the 17th! Seems that the Jews had an agenda to corrupt the mass by getting John 23rd on the Vatican throne. People couldn't see the sense in what Gibson was saying, and most assumed that he'd left his tin foil hat in the microwave too long. So he was done. Oksana Grigorieva was just the cincher!

nuts & gum, together at last

Mel has plenty of company these days, as celebrity images heat up and implode like Japanese nuclear reactors. Tiger Woods got in shit when the world found out that he was more interesting than anyone ever suspected. That cost him a king's ransom in hi powered product endorsements! Michael Richards killed that soft spot everyone had in their hearts for Kramer when he went nuts before a live audience. Jerry Seinfeld is still counting the slot residual earnings over that one; and cutting back to only two Porsche splurges a year. Jerry also has to consider the economy - can't blame Kramer for everything! Sandra Bullock's career went into a stall after the news about her sham marriage broke. That was back at the Oscars. Sandra had won some Ms Congeniality Award. That's something you get for being too talented to be sexy, but too good looking to be a character player. It's an awkward category that Julia Roberts has successfully exploited for a couple of decades. Anyway Bullock bags her Oscar and then gets ready to move into total world domination mode. She plotting her next Barbara Walters interview: what she'll say, how she'll act all faux modest, and how good she's gonna come off. Then the news breaks that her grease monkey husband - Vanilla Gorilla - was into radical politics and porn fetish strippers! After that she had a harder time showing her face in public than Michelle Obama after she touched the Queen!

livin la vida Lohan

The upshot is that every once in a while a celeb gets in shit and then has a hard time working afterwards. The queen of disgraced celebs is probably Lindsay Lohan. She started out a a Disney child star and quickly got a reputation for talent and versatility, even as her parents were getting a rep for being ambitious and difficult. Lindsay then got her self a reputation for substance abuse and criminal behavior. So the work dried up. At least until she could get her act together through rehab or something. That left her paying lawyers fees and rehab bills out of pocket without an income. Meanwhile we kept seeing lots and lots of Lindsay usually through the tabloids or Court TV!

trainwreck in waiting

So the $64 000 question was "did the once promising actress still had a future as anything other than a trainwreck?" Observers were dubious because she had a long track record of screw ups behind her. She was too consistent to be reliable in other words! No one wanted to work with her. For one thing she might OD in the middle of her next project, and leave producers holding the bag - Heath Ledger style. At the very least she might get any project she's involved with into some kind of unwanted scandal through getting accused of something criminal - like stealing from her bosses or co stars. Lindsay always maintains that she doesn't do such stuff, but she also admits to being a magnet for trouble. In a bottom line business that's the same difference. When it's a who you know business that can leave you hard up. No one wants to bet on a loser carrying around a ton of baggage (Lindsay, we should meet!).

fame is when crime doesn't pay anymore

No it's an ill wind that blows no good and Lindsay has found the silver lining in her ill wind (like how I mashed that metaphor?). It seems that there is some one in the entertainment industry (soon to be the Intertainment Industry if current trends continue!) willing to not only give her a break but even stick his neck out and give her another second chance! The guy is film producer Mark Fiore. Fiore doesn't have brain damage or anything - as far as I know - but he is the producer of Gotti Three Generations. For the 50% of the pop born after 1990 John Gotti was a Gambino Mafia boss (he allegedly knocked off Paul Castellano to get that gig, but no one was ever able to prove anything!) known as the Teflon Don for his knack of beating criminal convictions. He also liked $5000 suits and plenty of attention. In fact he was more interested in being a media star than in making money for the organization. He high profile antics brought a lot of heat specifically at him, and eventually brought him down and damaged his organization. It's another cautionary tale: even if crime pays fame might not.

Lindsay finds work despite economy!

Now Mark though Lindsay would be just great in his new mafia pic. Not only is she a fine little actress but she has some real life experience to bring to the role. Besides people might be interested in seeing whether she can pull it off. So if she doesn't screw up this thing might actually work out for everyone involved. So Lindsay got hired for the part of one of Gotti's daughters; maybe the one who went to work for the Star before getting into reality VT. I think she's Victoria.

Lohan's new friend is thrilled in not so many words

Lohan's possible involvement in some kind of actual movie has been kicking around for awhile but now it's picking up steam with confirmation from Fiore himself. MF recently told Radar that he's thrilled with Lohan. Well he didn't actually say thrilled. He was more understated. What he did say was that "She's very professional. People make mistakes. Look at other people in Hollywood." So this sounds promising. Further more the honey moon shows no signs of cooling off, since Fiore went onto say that he wanted Lohan to do another project for him, in addition to Gotti!

the future is a violent torpedo of truth, or maybe only a curve ball

This means that Lohan could be on the verge of some kind of long awaited career comeback! She's not only got a job, but the possibility of a working relationship with a producer. These working relationships are the basis of successful long term careers; like Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, Martin Scorsese and Robert Deniro, not to mention Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott! Up until about a year or so ago you could've added Megan Fox and Michael Bay to that all star list, but the recoil on Fox's hi caliber mouth finally deep sixed that! This means that to pass go and collect her $200 Lindsay just has to avoid any more colourful screw ups. Oh yeah and she also has to get past the Grand Jury! Her lawyers are currently asking the state what kind of jail time they might be thinking about - just in case of a worst case scenario! Should things turn sour for her, again, then there's always room on Charlie Sheen's Violent Torpedoes of Truth tour. I hear that he's desperate for a mascot ever since "dog napping terrorist" Denise Richards took her pug back!

Lindsay Lohan is a Shady Lady

Badda-bling

When word got out about Lindsay Lohan's latest misfortune. a lot of people thought "What, again?" Some wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. Not that $2500 necklaces get misplaced everyday. It's just that Lindsay's latest excuse sounded like it might hold just enough water, again.

Lindsay was accused of stealing the necklace from a jeweler she occasionally does some business with. The store owner claims that Lindsay took it without permission and that there's video surveillance footage to back that up. Lindsay - who originally said "What necklace?" claimed that she was loaned the necklace for an event - as is commonly done in Tinseltown. She further went onto say that her stylist was supposed to bring it back, but fucked up. So it really isn't her fault again. Problem is that while CCTV shows Lindsay wearing the piece, it doesn't explain how it got out the door with her, and so doesn't disprove her story.

Now when you have 2 low credibility version of the same story going head to head that usually leads to court; which is wear this thing is going. Lindsay got charged for this, although I'm not sure that there has been a time in the past 5 years when Lindsay wasn't facing charges or under probation - and now has to face a judge. She being charged with a felony this time, too. SO this could mean slammer time for Lohan to the tune of 2 years. How's that for facing the music?

The state has appointed a kick ass prosecutor too. That would be L.A. County Deputy District Attorney Danette Meyers. Meyers has gone up against Lindsay before, and has always gone for the max. This time seems to be no exception. In fact Lindsay past history of alleged thieving is being entered into evidence. What history is that? Well just to keep everyone current here are some episodes from Lohan's checkered past:

-- She was suspected of taking a $400,000 necklace in 2009 from an Elle Magazine photo shoot.

-- She was accused of stealing a $12,000 mink coat in 2008 from a NYC nightclub.

-- She was accused of taking a $35,000 Rolex from a "friend" in 2010.

So Sticky Fingers has been busy - allegedly. Believe it or not she skated on each of these charges, despite dodging out numerous probation violations over her drinking driving episode. This was because the powers that be wanted to cut the girl some slack, and because Lindsay has a way of coming up with just the right excuse. Stuff like "The coke in my pocket isn't mine because this isn't my coat. I picked it up by mistake when I was leaving the big coke party!" So she's not guilty of coke possession because she grabbed some one else's coat with their stash in it. Not like that probably wasn't the idea, but it creates just enough doubt to make proving intent impossible. So Lohan goes free while anyone halfway honest would've been dropped in the pokey.

Now Lindsay is poised to walk free once again. The fact that she's come up with more "plausible deniablity" shows that her defense strategy is already in place - "I didn't do it, again". It might even shed some light on what really went down. The defense only works if Lindsay really was loaned the neck piece. Which doesn't mean that she didn't have criminal intentions. Imagine if you will a scene in a mid range LA boutique. New sales person is working the cash when in comes La Lohan. She spends sometime chatting up your boss, and they get along like 2 old friends. Boss then takes off telling you to "Take good care of my friend". Next thing Lindsay is asking is she can borrow a mid range priced item off the menu - reassuring you that your boss let's her do this all the time, and she'll totally have it back manana.

That leaves you with a difficult decision. You can play it safe and tell her to shove off, except that this kind of transaction happens all the time in Hollywood. Celebrities are special people and exceptions are often made for them. Besides you've just seen the boss schmoozing it up with her. So do you want to take a chance and piss off your boss? If it doesn't work out you'll be looking for a new job without a current reference. Besides it's not like she picked out the biggest diamond nugget in the place and said "I'll be leaving with this one". So you're left to your own judgment. That probably resulted in the boss coming back a few hours later, and blowing a gasket while screaming "Do you know what you've done? You've just let $25oo walk out the front door!"

This is were we get into the area of intend. Poor judgment in a salesperson isn't necessarily a criminal matter. Except that if this is how it went down you can almost hear how the wheels in Lohan's head were turning at the time: "New girl here - unsure of herself, eager to please and fit in, I can handle her!" So she probably deliberately intimidated the girl into letting her walk out with the goods. That left the store owner with the ticklish problem of getting the merch back.

It also leaves the DA's with the ticklish problem of how to handle Lohan again this time. Look for this to clue up with Lindsay walking, and the store employee - who will be pressured by their boss to say Lindsay took it (and so can look forward to keeping the job until the trial is over and their services are no longer needed) - to face possible perjury charges. If you're gonna play fast and loose then you better know where the line is, and no one ever said Lindsay was stupid!

Michael Lohan - "This is the big one"

Remember Michael Lohan? He's the nominal father of America's #1 rehabber Lindsay Lohan. Now being Lindsay's dad has it's pressures, what with trying to negotiate reality TV deals, selling his daughter's shit on EBay, and occasionally pretending to give a shit (poor Lindsay - her problems make so much sense when put in context). Looks like the pressure finally caught up with him because Father of the Year was whisked off to Hoag Hospital (that's Hoag with an a and not Hog - despite what you might expect) in Newport Beach for some angioplasty. Now for everyone who doubts that America has the best health care system in the world, the procedure was a complete success. It was so successful in fact that that Mikey was sent home the same day. That gave him a chance to stop into Jack in the Box to get something to eat (Michael was full of beans again, as he screamed out the guy on the drive through). After an ordeal you've got to keep your cholesterol, if not your strength, up.

Then again, by way of second opinion, Michael's chest pains may not have been a heart attack, but a Fred-attack.

Dr. Drew concerned about Angelina Jolie!

Forget North Korea - Dr. Drew predicts Jolie will 'go ballistic'!

Dr. Drew Pinsky has finally found some one more interesting than Lindsay Lohan to occupy his attention. Dr. Drew was quite concerned with that young lady's well being ever since she began living life too high in the fast lane. Lindsay started out with the odd car crash but Drew predicted that she would come to a bad end and possibly lose a limb. Lohan pointed out that responsible doctors shouldn't diagnose people they never met, and over television; but Drew wasn't not deterred. After a brief respite Dr. Pinsky was once again hot on Lindsay's tail, and via the media said that if he were her father he would load he car with drugs and notify the police. Failing that he would load her car with guns, bombs and Korans; and then notify Homeland Security. He also may have said that the girl needs some kind of enema - I'm not sure.

Intensive therapy

Lindsay is finally getting the help she needs, or something like it anyway. The actress has finally been sentenced to rehab. In fact rehab has had some recent ups and downs for La Lohan. Only recently it was reported that Lindz was involved in some kind of assault with one of her rehab counselors. Seems that Lindsay had worked out some scheme with a few of her rehab cohorts. That resulted in Lindz & Co. getting nabbed by a female Betty Ford staffer as they were making their way back from a bar (or according to some stories Lindz demanded a safe house because of the presence of some alleged stalker, then availed herself of the opportunities presented by cramming the place with booze!)

"Take your hands off of me" - push comes to shove

Well the staffer confronts Lindz and want sto know what the heel is what. Then she allegedly made her big mistake; she put her hands on Lohan. What followed was and incident in which Lindsay supposedly battered the staffer. Of course Lindsay denied this and claimed that it was the staffer who victimized her. LL claims that she merely grabbed the staffer, and shoved her while telling the woman to "get your fucking hands off of me!" Michael raises 'em fiesty! Anyway the cops got called around about 1 AM, and a 'hand to hand battery' report got filed. When the dust cleared it was the staffer who got charge. That's only naturally since rehab staffers are a dime a dozen but imagine how much lot Lohan is bring into the joint! If staffer had been around she should've expected that!

Do you think like Drew?

Since Lindz is being taken good care of, that gives Dr Drew the chance to relax and turn his attentions else where. Now next to Lohan who's Hollywood's No 1 hot mess. That could be just about anyone but if you guessed Angelina Jolie then you and Drew think alike! Reports recently surfaced by way of the National Enquirer that Jolie is some kind of child abuser. Apparently she's pretty hard on young Shiloh Pitt. Shiloh is one of her bio babies, and she calls her 'the blob'. She also dresses and raises her as a boy. There's some interesting mommy-daughter issues working out there is this is true!

Dredging the dregs with Creepy Sexy Mommy

These stories of Angie flying into rages while 'slapping' seem to suggest that she's found an alternative for her rage to partner Brad Pitt. They've also reminded everyone of what a flake she comes off as. So some old shit got dredged up lately - like Chelsea Handler talking about the brother James Haven make out stories (stories that Jolie is into incest). To be fair JH had to turn out a least a little warped. Having a first name as normal as James had to make him a Hollywood misfit. Just imagine the schoolyard taunting he got. "Hey James!" or "It's Jimbo everybody!". Nailing your hot sister is that's situation's equivalent of the preacher's kid smoking a cigarette to fit in and prove he's not a sissy.

talking smack!

There's more to Jolie than alleged brother fucking though. She's also had some kind of history of substance abuse. Particularly there's smoke talk that Jolie liked her some smack back in the day (Jolie has spoken openly about her drug use in the past, and in an interview in 1998, she said: 'I've done just about every drug possible. Coke, heroin, ecstasy, LSD, everything... Those drugs can be dangerous if you don't go into it positively. I gave them up long ago.'). Some video of Jolie, apparently stoned, even surfaced of the actress talking about how many pets she killed off in her formative years (Hollywood actresses have such a destructive growth cycle that it's practically more destructive than growth!). Jolie defenders pointed out that the actresses admissions involved accidental deaths of pets, and not a deliberate holocaust of innocents. That doesn't make her a bad person - the defenders maintain. No one has yet asked directly whether or not it might make her a bad mom!

still crazy after all these years?

The smack talk does have Dr. Drew thinking though. Now that is mind if free from concerns bout Lindsay Lohan's well being, Drew is speculating about the future of Brangelina! Many of us can't fathom their present, let alone any possible future. Most celeb marriages are over faster than you can say Scarlett Johansson, and even if you're Mr. Sexy Ryan Reynolds (that World's Sexiest title was bound to cause problems, especially since Scarlett probably thinks that Reynolds is only really seen as sexy because she did him. So why should he be getting the glory?). So why are those two still around? Perhaps because Jennifer Aniston's career needs them. Probably out of sheer bloody mindedness. Jolie won't leave and give anyone the gratification of saying "I said so!"

Brangelina is going to be a big deal one way or another - predicting the obvious

Dr. Drew is looking forward. Drew is predicting a break up, and he says that when it comes it's gonna be nuclear! In wake of the recent The Tourist premier Drew gave a pretty blunt assessment of the actress in which he rushes in where even foul mouthed blabberer Chelsea Handler (Dennis Miller in his former career as a wag might've described her act as "Vodka & Tourette's Syndrome") might fear to tread. When the topic of Angelina came up recently Dr. Drew said the following:

'There's no such thing as '"I was a heroin addict." That doesn't exist in nature. Something is going on with [her] addiction. Or she's in recovery. And I don't see any evidence that's the case. So we've got one person who's a heroin addict. Which is a chronic lifelong condition, period. We have another person who has said things like, "Well, Jennifer [Aniston] was into long-term relationships, that's just her way of looking at things." I mean, that demeaning attitude towards other people's emotions. Now put those two people together and you have got a really volatile situation. And they're constantly creating things to weld themselves together. Which is only going to serve to make a more nuclear eruption. There will be some sort of meltdown that will be phenomenal when it does happen.'

It's not all bad for Jolie. Her The Tourist flick did get some Golden Globe noms - for Best Comedy. Jolie even picked up a Best Actress nom, for a flick nominated as a comedy. NOw The Tourist was billed as a romantic comedy. Jolie does how that she can at least see the humour in that, replying on being told of her com nom she ROFL'd laughing. "It's the first time that I've been in the comedic category so it's new for me." she said. Rom com is more an Aniston thing. How else can you respond to a very public slap in the face (she hasn't be on the World's Hottest lists in about ten years - and that's enough time for 5 Megan Fox's to have come and gone! This says something about her standing in the larger entertainment community).


PS. Tuning your bullshit detector: Note that Dr. Drew didn't say when Jolie & Pitt would bust up, only that when they would it would be a big deal. Since they've made a big deal out of their relationship - it's been Jolie's main career for about ten years, & is supporting her film career during the awkward period - it's a safe guess that they'll make a big deal out of their split.

Brandon Davis Is Not Dead

Lard Lad & Tubby Lady Killer Still Among the Living

Brandon Davis is not dead. The story got started through a report on Fox news about an anonymous 26 year old who got killed in a gas station explosion. Blogs like Perezhilton were quick to go with this starting a Google trends overload on Brandon Davis dead searches. However the anonymous gas station victim was not Davis, but some poor unfortunate. AS far as anyone knows, the man known as Greasybear, and who christened Lindsay Lohan Firecrotch, is still very much alive.

who's who

A little background for those unfamiliar with Davis - he's the heir to a billion dollar oil fortune who isn't bad looking when his glandular problems aren't acting up. He's also dated every young hottie in Hollywood from Mischa Barton to Lindsay Lohan - including Paris Hilton. He also got into some kind of bust up with Pink outside a LA nightclub over parking space. That got tweeted upon and Pink picked up some easy kudos for kicking Brandon in the buts or something. So if we've learned nothing else from Mr Davis it's that you can make yourself more popular by picking on some one that no one likes! Getting killed in a gas station explosion might have seemed like the ideal end to his colorful career as a celebrity, however that sort of thing only happens in pulp fiction.

don't go off half cocked

This is the latest in a long line of Dead on the Internet hoaxes that have taken in some very big names in media/blogging circles. If you're too quick on the draw and not thorough enough in your fact checking you can get taken - no matter who you are. However there have been enough of these Internet pranks by now that any one would be cautious when they see the world dead beside the name of some fairly famous person. Remember that credibility doesn't mean you're right. Don't believe it until it's wondertrash!

Now here's that FOX report that lead to the Brandon Davis Dead rumours that took in the likes of Perezhilton (now no longer the Internet's top gossip blog), TMZ, & Radaronline!



That's the trouble with FOX, even when they have their facts straight people still form the wrong conclusions. Now is that FOX's fault??

My Chemical Romance - bleary eyed melodrama continues

BTW for those still keeping track Lindsay Lohan is out on bail. She was taken directly to jail, in handcuffs on Friday. This was for some sort of violation involving alcohol, cocaine, & Twitter. Twitter seems more like an error in judgement - however you can easily see how it could be classed as a violation when taken too far, as it usually is and especially when in the hands of celebrities. Now the official word was that Lohan wasn't gonna be getting out this time because this wasn't a sentencing, but a hold over for a parole violation. She'd have to punch in her 30 days until a new court date could be set.

red eyed theater

However Lohan's lawyer did some nifty and nimble legal work and filed a write of Habius Corpus. Now that means Lohan's right to due process had some how been violated. So with all the violations going on in both directions saner head thought that it would be better to get Lohan off their hands, like a hot potato. So they issued bail, that was promptly paid. As of now Lohan is cooling her heals in some rehab facility or another, awaiting her next high profile chemical indiscretion!


Now here's a little music video dedication for Brandon, Lindsay, and all those other poor wretched celebrities from A List down to triple Z, who haven't yet made the transition from tabloid fodder to pop culture legend by way of the usual route.

Natalee Holloway killer has new girlfriend

There's no chick magnet like a homicidal maniac with 2 or 3 dead girlfriends under his belt. Perhaps that's why accused Natalee Holloway killer Joran van der Sloot has made himself a new friend of the female persuasion. Sloot is currently banged up in the Miguel Castro prison down in Lima Peru. He's been there since he was arrest for the murder of another gal pal, sometime in early June. Approximately 15 or 20 days after his arrest, on June 23, Sloot started receiving visits from a young woman. Referred to by prison officials as "the Dutchman's gringa", the young woman speaks fluent English and Spanish, and is described as "foreign" with short blonde hair.

Sloot has referred to her as "my girlfriend". She calls on Sloot about 2 or 3 times a month to bring him care packages, like bread, water, beans, pork, etc. The relationship began innocently enough, with Sloot paying her $100 to bring him food and other items in prison. It continues fairly innocently too. Sloot is being held in a 2300 inmate prison, so there's not a lot of private time for the alleged blossoming love affair. Also Sloot is being constantly guarded. His latest victim, Stephany Flores, was the daughter of a wealthy and connected South American businessman. So he's a priority case in Peru. So getting enough alone time to develop a relationship is almost as unlikely as Sloot ever seeing the light of day again. Still it's enough to have ruffled a lot of feathers among people who understandably feel that he's gotten away with too much for too long.

Minding his business and pimping his meal ticket

Speaking of criminal types, Michael Lohan is speaking out again. He's talking about the only thing he can get anyone to listen to - his daughter Lindsay. In fact he seems to spend way more time talking about Lindsay than talking to her. In this most recent interview Lohan gives his theories about how everything went wrong. He accepts full responsibility because in his words it was someone else's fault.

As Mikey tells it some drunken relative showed up at a family function and Michael over reacted by kicking the guy out. Michael feels guilty because the guy was a wimp and was so easy to take that he probably shouldn't have been taken so easily. Anyway that violent altercation somehow lead to Lindsay's downward spiral. Here's Michael with his latest likely story!



Michael almost sounds like he's pitching one of those "it's my fault but what would you have done" lines. So really his only fault was being too concerned a father. Then again many of you probably would do many things differently from Lohan. For one thing you probably aren't pimping out your daughters as a meal ticket. Speaking of which Lindsay has a few words for Michael. She wants him to stop selling her stuff behind her back!

Lindsay on the Loose

Lindsay Lohan Goes Free

Lindsay finishes sentence - she's had longer hangovers!

Those who were hoping that Lindsay Lohan might be getting a major dose of justice might be in for a major disappointment. The actress was recently incarcerated in Lynnwood Rehabilitation Facility for violation of her probation. The probation stems back to a 2007 incident involving a car and intoxicants. The powers that be cut her some slack on that, and ordered her into an alcohol awareness program. Lindsay is already pretty alcohol aware, and so decided to skip most of the program. Perhaps she was waiting until they got to the sobriety awareness part?

Anyway Lindsay's continued defiance lead to more court dates, more recommended 12 step programs, a scram bracelet - the newest rogue celebrity accessory - and finally getting banged up in the poky! Though she screamed and cried during sentencing, and promised to be good this time - the miniature "fuck off" inscribed into her nail polish called her sincerity into question!

Well just a short time ago Lindsay began serving what was supposed to be a 90 day sentence. Stories coming out of Lynnwood had Lohan behaving as a model prison: quiet, compliant, and cooperative. There were a few hitches: Logan wasn't eating - though she's never been one for solid food and usually prefers a liquid diet; and she'd stopped drinking - anything. Maybe she wasn't used to water as a main beverage instead of a mixer. However word was that the water in the facility is as filthy as anything seen since the days of cholera.

Lindsay's otherwise model behavior seems to have paid of. The sometime actress and tabloid mainstay (God bless her - what would we do without her?) was sprung loose earlier today. Prison officials declared severe overcrowding combined with the non violent nature of Lohan's offense as the reason for her early release. With so many rapists and serial murders running amok in the Land of the Free it just didn't make sense to blow tax payers' money on a celebrity. With America coming out of a recession the argument has validity. Of course if they made the wealthy pay for their own imprisonment it might go along way towards furthering the cause of American Justice. Since the USA has a two tiered health care system, why then not opt for the best penal system too?

BTW Lindsay maybe free from captivity but isn't being reintroduced into the wild just yet. The actress has been transferred from prison custody into a 90 day treatment program. If this 90 days lasts as long as her last 90 day sentence it'll be over before her hangover!

Good Luck Chuck - Charlie's devils

In an unrelated but parallel story Charlie Sheen is off the hook over his domestic assault beef. The actor got into some trouble over allegations that he threatened his wife - Brooke Mueller - with a knife during a Christmas Dinner altercation. Things looked bad for Chuck until it was revealed that Brooke was even more drunk than he was at the time. Plus she had a colorful cocaine past- including an alleged stint in rehab while preggers!

The fact that Brooke's story kept changing didn't help her credibility much. First she claimed that Charlie had held a knife to her throat. Then she said that she made it up. Then her lawyer said that she only said that cause she had Battered Woman Syndrome or something. Cynics thought that she was keeping her options open while trying to figure out which side of the 20 million a year (which Chuck gets for 2 1/2 Men) she fell on. If he divorced her she'd burn him, but if he let her keep riding the gravy train then she wouldn't screw up his pay check.

Denise Richards even spoke out in Charlie's defense. She claimed that Charlie was a great father who never physically abused her (similar to what Mel Gibson's ex Robyn is currently saying about Mad Max via court depositions). Considering that this is the woman who as much as accused him of pedophilia during their ultra nasty divorce (Denise publicly claimed that Charlie enjoyed looking at "borderline porn" on the Internet. Then she brought her kids into the judge for an emergency closed door session following a return from a visit with Charlie. She claimed they were acting oddly. The judge examined the kids and then laughed Denise out of his office.) and people began thinking that money must talk or something. So considering the skanks and ho bags that seemed drawn to Sheen, the public started giving him the benefit of the doubt.

That only left the courts to deal with. Now Charlie's crack legal team were working overtime to get everything banged down to the minimum. They worked out a plea bargain where Chuck could do some minimal jail time and be back on the loose in time for the next season of his highly rated show. There was even a work release during the day so Sheen wouldn't get too cooped up. Charlie liked the idea of that since it gave him a chance to keep up on one of his favorite hobbies- chain smoking. However when it turned out that prison no smoking laws applied to the work release as well so the deal went out the window.

Now finally some closure has been reached in this sordid affair. Charlie was sentenced earlier today. He managed to avoid jail time too. Chuck will get the usual celebrity slap on the wrist - 30 days in rehab. He'll be checking into Promises Rehab Center - a facility with a track record of failure where celebrities are concerned (they failed with Lohan a couple of times and have had a few other hi profile losers pass through their gates including Hollywood's answer to Jerri Blank, Tara Reid!) sometime soon. No word on what Promises smoking policy might be. As for Chuck - next stop, divorce court.



So the moral of today's story is - in the words of Jerri Blank - you should always take responsibility for your actions, unless you don't have to!

Another Lohan goes to jail

There's more to life than Mel Gibson's crazy and perhaps criminal phone rants. Lindsay honors a Lohan family tradition by landing in the can. Both her mother and father have had the brushes with the law. In fact Lindsay was subpoenaed once by a process server while on the red carpet. Lindsay assumed it was a fan wanting an autograph and rushed over. The paper turned out to be an official request from the court to testify against her own mother in a fraud case. Oh yeah and an uncle of Lindsay's served some serious time for trying to defraud a 911 relief fund to the tune of 6 decimal places!

Lohan gets 90 days

down and out in Beverly Hills

Lindsay Lohan has flouted the law for some time. She got on the wrong side of the law back when she had some reckless driving charges. Now she was given every break. Her judges sentenced her to alcohol awareness classes. Lohan was already aware of alcohol. She's had some problems putting on the breaks.

Now in Lohan's defense it's not easy to juggle an acting career and court ordered rehab and alcohol classes. Add ongoing substance issues and you've jsut got too many balls in the air. Sooner or later they had to fall, and fall they did!



Lohan defiantly skipped out on the alcohol awareness classes. That lead to some more court appearances, and more flagrant disregard of judges' orders. Well it seems like the law has finally caught up with Lindsay. In her most recent court appearance the judge decided that Ms. Lohan had to face the music. Lindsay was sentenced to 90 days: jail time and court enforced rehab. Naturally that left Lindsay in tears, and gave gossip sites a field day. Here's the lowdown on Lohan:



Love the way Lohan & co. had the box of tissues ready on stand by, just in case the judge needed to be swayed by a sudden fit of teary eyed remorse. She is a pro actress, & the right props can help a performance. The judge had seen the act before, so didn't buy it. On the bright side, it could've turned out worse - 5150.



IN other news Michael Lohan has taken the opportunity presented by his daughter's misfortune to once again thrust himself into the public eye. I'd say that he's probably the one who should be getting the jail time - but knowing Mickey L, that's gonna happen soon enough. That is unless his career as his daughter's unofficial spokesperson picks up with her imprisonment.





Sure Lindsay did lots of bad stuff. She boozed up & drugged up like Jerri Blank on a bender. Still, it's good to remember that anyone can make a missteps here or there. Even Alicia Keys!

The Woes of Lohan

Prisoner of California

Could things be going from bad to worse for Lindsay Lohan? The struggling actress recently had her bail hiked from 100 000 to 200 000 when her scram bracelet was set off by a small amount of alcohol at the MTV Awards after party. Defenders say that this could've been caused by some one nearby spilling a drink down Lohan's leg. The courts say that she is in violation of the terms of her probation. So after a bench warrant was issued and withdrawn, her 100 000 bail was forfeited and new bail of 200 000 issued.

So will Lindsay be going to jail? It might even be worse than that. Celebrity entrepreneur Donald Trump is in negotiations to get Lohan to appear on Celebrity Apprentice. Now Lohan could use the pay check since her bail has been raised. Not that she's hard pressed for work. Mother Dina claims that her daughter is booked up solid with 3 to 6 projects on the table. One of them is playing Linda Lovelace in a porno bio pic. That one features something the producer/director calls creepy Schindler's List "make you sick" nudity. Once again however probation is proving to be a problem. Lohan is forbidden to leave the state of California until she get's her shit worked out to the satisfaction of the courts.

Lindsay Lohan takes it to the limit one more time

Cannes Goes Follywood Like Never Before

Follywood Fugitive

moving violation

Drama Queen Lindsay Lohan is in the middle of another crisis. She's due for a court appearance Monday over a DUI related parole violation. She was sentenced to alcohol awareness class but only showed up for every other class about half the time. The other half of the time she didn't bother showing up at all. Lindsay is already acutely alcohol aware. It's abstinence that she's got issues with. Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder like absinthe makes the wits go yonder!

prying eyes are watching you

So that lead to a court date for sometime tomorrow. That's when the judge has to decide exactly what to do about that naughty naughty young woman. He might have had to decide without her cause Lindsay was until recently over @ Cannes. It's film festival time of the year again, and so celebrities have descended on the poor benighted French village like a swarm of locusts. At first it might seem a little careless of Lindz to go gallivanting around while she has unresolved legal issues. Still her career has been in and out of free fall ever since Lindz has been in and out of the tabloids. So it might pay to network. Besides it must be such a relief to get out from under Dr Drew's watchful eye for 3 days or so.

wondertrash & the locusts

don't leave home without it - if you're planning on coming back that is

So that brinks us to Lindz current game of brinkmanship. Lindz claimed that she couldn't make tomorrow's court date because she's lost her pass port. Shit happens, especially when you're permanently befuddled. She could've left it jammed in the ATM by mistake, while trying to get a withdrawal for an extra round of partying. It could be lying around any night club in Cannes. Then again, going by the above photo, she might have even left it in her other toga! Mom supported her on the pass port - telling the media "I told her to say that so she wouldn't get into trouble". Dina might mean well but her idea of a cover story is awful. If you're gonna pull something like that then don't blow your cover story by fessing up on video - especially before the court date! After years as Michael Lohan's better half she should have learned a thing or two.

The Celebrity Police

Anyway with the possibility of jail time immanent, and dour - & hung over Lindsay has made her way from sunny Cannes and back to the USA. Matter of fact Lindsay came back through LAX about 7 PM yesterday. So I guess that the pass port turned up or something. That means Lindsay had an entire trans Atlantic flight to think up something to tell the judge manana! She'd better make it good too. She can't afford anymore sloppiness. For instance if she'd only said that she couldn't make court because Homeland Security has her on a no fly list as a possible terrorist - no one would have questioned it. In fact if Homeland Security could only be harnessed to protect us against the 'cultural threat' of modern celebrity, then the house that Bush built will have found honest work for themselves!



Keep on rockin' us baby!

Little Miss Backslider

BTW - there's a new player in the game. She's Lou Taylor - a Tennessee financial guru/evangelical mentor. She took over Britney's affairs and then frightened the shit out of her by playing on Spears' Southern Christian roots. "You're going straight to hell young lady!" Now the mind games and shock tactics would've only gone so far except that Taylor (and how fortunate that her last name isn't Grant) delivered the goods. She managed Britney's recent tour to a financially successful conclusion. Well word has it - by 'word' I mean TMZ - that LT is now in on the Lohan case, and even wired her over some money to get her affairs straightened out!

Sorry Oprah

Makes you stop and think - if there was anything to New Age Spirituality then desperate celebrities wouldn't be turning back to an already discredited path like Christian fundamentalism. The Hollywood Yogis figured that they were much image savvier than the Bible Thumpers, and so could look forward to a much longer career. However the Fundies have learned something from their time in exile - "You can only string people a long so far, but you can string them along a lot farther if you deliver the goods!" Nothing helps credibility like a pay off!

credibility for credit - buying your faith with your own money!

Come on, even politicians know that - it's why they make free with the hand outs 6 months prior to an election (or at least they did back when they knew what they were doing. Nowadays they just arrange photo ops - like Steven Harper's' on going jam sessions with prominent musicians. Get with it Steve-O, a chicken in every pot remember?).




Wondertrash boguszen: When you reach a point in your career when you walk off the stage thinking "It's over - YES!", then you're headed in the right direction. Ego tripping can make you a glutton for punishment, especially if the little devil on your shoulder is telling you that it's worth it. That pushy little weenie can become a monkey on your back before you know it!

the shiny guy

Wondertrash: image's collision course with reality!

Ian Anderson is the patron saint of wondertrash! Sorry sir that didn't come out right ;)

Freaky Friday

livin' la vida Lohan

Lindsay Lohan has had her brushes with the law. In fact she's still on probation for a DUI. That charge got batted around the system for awhile until last year Judge Marsha Revel made it clear to La Lohan that something has to be done about the drinking and driving. Revel ordered Lohan into a alcohol awareness type program (Lindsay is already aware of alcohol - maybe even hyper aware). To drive the point home the judge ordered Lindz to attend once every 7 days.

sweet land of liberty

Now the American legal system is riddled with loop hole - as FOX News loves to point out. Sometimes they allow lesbian pink gun gangs to terrorize fit young men as if they were all in a Monty Python sketch. Sometimes they allow confessed cocaine addicts to escape prosecution,go on to become president, and then plunge their country into war & economic chaos. This time they've allowed Lindsay the leeway she needs to continue her desperate party lifestyle.

to consistent to be reliable

The flaw in the system this time lay with the school (the other weak link in the Great Society). While Lindsay must attend her alcohol program once a week as per judges orders. the school is only required to report her if she misses 21 days. So guess what happens. Lindz skips 2 classes regular as clock work, and shows up on the 21st. Lindsay may have complied with the school's requirements, but defied the judge's.

what we are dealing with here is a total lack of respect for the law

Naturally this sort of thing can not be tolerated. It's especially intolerable when the courts somehow manage to find out (the court system is extremely over worked - probably from being backed up with repeat celebrity offenders). In fact the judge may have suspected something like this would happen, because she stipulated that if Lohan didn't comply she would go off to jail with no ifs, ands, or buts about it!

half fool

Now Lindsay has another hearing coming up on May 20th. So all this information is bound to come out. Lindsay's lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, is optimistic. He says "We have received no negative written report from the program and contend Ms. Lohan is therefore in compliance." Some see the glass as half full and others half empty - but does this guy even see the glass? Then again Lindz has had a good track record where sentencing has been concerned. So who knows whether she's finally run out of luck.

Besides, if Lindz does get some jail time it will make her # 1 admirer Dr. Drew Pinsky happy. Plus it will but her felonious father Michael Lohan one step closer to that conservatorship he dreams of. So that's a win - win situation. For everyone except perhaps Lindsay. Hang in there kid!

Dr Drew reaches out to Lindsay Lohan again

For the love of Lindsay: Creepy rehab doctor continues to stalk young actress

Lindsay Lohan has her problems. She's got some pretty well known substance issues, her career is stalled and her felonious father Michael appears to be trying to gaslight her. He's got 'paparazzi friends' following her around, plus he had the cops called on her. His pretext was concern about his daughter Allie, who's living with Lindsay.

Michael Lohan gets an idea

He probably assumed that once the police got through the door they'd find enough evidence around the house to haul Lindsay's ass off to jail. He was saving them the trouble of a search warrant. Of course this is part of his master plan to gain conservatorship over the unemployed actress, and hence financial control. That Michael Lohan is always thinking big! It's what got him where he is today.

Pinsky gets all stanky

Now if all that wasn't enough to drive a girl right round the bend, poor Lindsay has Dr Drew Pinsky meddling in her affairs. Dr Drew made some comments about Lindsay back when he was getting his Celebrity Rehab underway on VH1. Since Dr Drew both is a doctor, and plays one on TV, he felt doubly entitled to tell Lindsay what her problem is. Lindsay pointed out, via her medium of choice - Twitter, that real doctors diagnose their patients in offices after an examination, not on TV in front of an audience. Though she had him there it didn't shut him up.

Marcus Welby he ain't - be glad he's not your doctor

Dr Drew smelled blood in the water and cared enough about the young actress's welfare to try and cash in on her misfortunes. It might have been hoped that he'd eventually move on to something else - like the rash of premature deaths in pro wrestling. Wrastling Rehab would have to be a goldmine concept for a man like Dr Drew. However he's remained fixated on Ms. Lohan like a pit bull with lock jaw, and has basically hounded her through the media.

"Why doesn't Lindsay Like Me?"

Well now Dr Drew is ready to make nice. He's not ready to apologize to Ms Lohan for perhaps contributing to her condition (his periodic media harassment of the girl couldn't have helped). That would be a bit much to expect from him. However he is saying that he does want to end the 'feud' with her. He's 'reaching out'. He also wants Lindsay to get some proper treatment. After having watched a few episodes of CR, I shudder to think what Dr Drew's idea of proper treatment might be. Perhaps locking the poor girl up for a group intensive with Jeff Conaway and Tom Sizemore. It might not do Lindsay any good, nor Tom & Jeff either; but just think of those ratings!

Video: "I didn't say nothing about no frame up!"

Dr Strangelove crosses the line again

"I don't condone frame ups, officially - wink, wink" kinda helps you figure out how so many athletes get performance enhancing drugs unofficially. Caring about someone works as an excuse for framing them up? As long as you don't get caught I guess, or you might have a a whole other can of worms to deal with. BTW what's with the "poor Michael Lohan" thing? Is Dr Drew trying to flush whatever is left of his credibility - and that's not much - down the crapper faster than you can say "Dr Phil visits Britney Spears"? Dr Drew reality TV is truly your medium and that's no compliment.

Feelings, nothing more than feelings

Follywood is full to bursting with high profile fuck ups like Tiger Woods, Mel Gibson, Jesse James, etc. So why would a middle aged Dr become so fixated on an attractive and desperate 23 year old? It's as if he's fallen love with the young woman, and wants to get his clutches on her or something. Now that couldn't be because Dr Drew is just too much of a professional for that - it's why he has the show on the TV! Just in case here's a little torch song dedication for the dirty old pervert and his creepy unrequited love of Lindsay!

Feely Dan

Remember, Dr Drew, to keep your paws of Miley Cyrus or her dad Billy Ray will bust you up good. That is unless you can help her career in some unlikely way - then come on over for a beer and watch her dance around her stripper pole!

Pop culture can teach us many things, other than to beware of TV shrinks. For instance in the following short video clip from What's My Line, classic funny man Jerry Lewis demonstrates that many questions can not be adequately answered with 'yes' or 'no'. So let's take a look and see what wisdom can be gleaned from Jerry's none responsiveness.



The man was truly a laughter magnet. Straight questions become screw ball pitches almost as if it was planned that way! Of course, as Marshall McLuhan has pointed out the 50's were a visual age. So once the blindfolds went on the panel immediately went deaf. Then again even Dr. Drew Pinsky would be hard pressed to get sense out of a joker of that caliber!