Dick gets pissy

Rogue Dick

When you take to gossip blogging there are some people you can't do with out. Like Andy Dick. On a slow news day he can be like 10 Lindsay Lohans on meth! You'll be sitting at your word processor all dejected and at a loss about what to write when suddenly you'll blunder across some Andy Dick story complete with outrageous conduct. Maybe he'll have groped a show girl, or scored coke in a bar parking lot and then split it with his date/paid escort. This time Andy pee'd in public! He did a lot more than pee, actually; and set a whole new level for celebrity out rage mania.

He makes Charlie Sheen look like a droopy eyed armless child

The scene of the crime was down in Newport Beach. They have a little film festival down there. it's the kind of thing some towns do when they want to get on the entertainment map, attracted glitterati, and turn a fast buck. It's a good idea but they good folk of Newport Beach only made one mistake - they didn't read Wondertrash. If they had then they'd have known about their second mistake, and that was letting Andy Dick anywhere near the premises.

a dick you can't keep down!

Well like I say Dick did get in and when he did he made a fine spectacle of himself. Eyewitnesses and a festival co-founder saw an allegedly intoxicated Dick unzip his pants, expose himself, rub up against tables, enter a display booth, urinate on the backdrop (in the shape of a "Z" as in Zorro, I hear) and then pull it down and destroy it, reports RadarOnline, according to the Orange County Register. Sounds like the powers that be could've saved themselves much time and trouble if they'd just shipped Andy over to the middle east, as a kind of one man war on terror! This man dreams up mayhem like the illegitimate love child of Bruce Willis by Arnold Schwarzenegger!

Dick is cock of the walk at Newport Beach!

Naturally indecent exposure and public urination has lead to some ugly legal talk involving law suits. Not everyone has a taste for outrageous performance art ( and this guy might have Yoko Ono gasp for breath!). Seems that the Newport Beach people feel that Dick was more than a party pooper but was an expensive nuisance as well. So they want to make good on the deal by dragging him into court:

"Obviously, we need to recoup damages," said Todd Quartararo, festival co-founder and director of marketing. "It was a brand new booth that needs to be replaced. We are exploring legal options to recoup damages." Quartararo said Dick caused a couple thousand dollars worth of damage.

ticklish dickishness

Dick's been on a roll lately, since his most recent incident of dickishness was down in Texas. There he got in trouble for allegedly grinding his genitals on a man's head. Now that's a brave thing to do in Texas!

My personal choice for 2 1/2 Men!

Now let's take a look at a day in the life of Andy Dick! It's a day of blurry flashbacks and thinly disguised remorse.

Brat Pack

gotten rotten

If you read the last Wondertrash post you might have gotten the feeling that I'm just not trying anymore. Maybe the word 'apathetic' in the title was a give away. Trying leads to so much mischief in life - if our celebrities are any indication - that sometimes not trying is worth a try. The less effort the less trouble gets made. However if everyone thought like that then the history books would be empty, and school boys would have nothing to trouble them. We can't all be buddhas, right away anyway. So in the spirit of wholesome mischief, here's some fresh shit.

Justin TV

It seems that no one is bigger these days then Justin Bieber; not since Charlie Sheen went back on his meds and recovered from that case of Sheenius. It seems that when ever this kid breaks wind it becomes an over publicized non event of the kind that might get 24 hour on going "developing story" type coverage on CNN. So if you so sick of this kid that you want to punch out random mop topped teen on the street, then skip over this part. It's gonna send you over.

breaking Bieber

The latest out break of Bieber fever has the Beeb on CSI. He was already killed off on Law & Order, but like Jesus the death didn't take and so he back to haunt us. As said his latest appearance was on CSI, though it might have been easier to take if he'd appeared in a grilled cheese sandwich or bowling alley lane - Jesus style. Anyway Justy keeps his cheesy mainstream so he got on CSI where he met Marge Helgenberger.

Justy & Busty

Now this musty been a big deal in the life of a growing boy. Margy, you'll recall, is the gal who acts in CSI and whose boobs are prominently feature, often hoist up into a firing position. So Justy must've been keen to make a real good impression on her. Maybe that's why Margy says that he seemed like a real nice guy when she met him. Her exact words, as quoted by Radaronline, were "He was nice to me." See, I said he was nice!

Everyone can't have big boobs, so Justy can't be nice to everyone

Thing was that it didn't stop there. Seems that Justy wasn't quite so nice with his other, non mammary endowed castmates. In fact Boobs, I mean Margy, goes on to say that, and once again I quote by way of Radaronline, that "I shouldn't be saying this but he was kind of a brat." Actually that part got said on a French radio interview, but Radaronline got wind of it and repeated it! Busty goes on to say that "He was nice to me but he locked one of the producers in a closet and he put his fist through a cake that was one the cast's table!"

the moral of the story

So what can we draw from this? Well for one thing Justy is a real swell guy, if you happen to be a hot chick with great big boobs that stick up at a 45 degree angle. Other wise watch you're step, cause he can be a rotten little jerk. Also we've learned that you have to watch what you say, cause what you say can get around. Even if it's said over seas and in a foreign language. If it's about Bieber then the world is gonna know about it and more sooner than later. That probably has something to do with the Internet! Finally we've learned that the mass media hasn't gotten tired of talking about Bieber yet, not matter how sick of him everyone else is. That probably has something to do with his appeal to teenage girls and middle aged "Herbert the Pervert" types. So we're probably gonna keep hearing too much about him in the future, even if you dearly wish that he and Miley Ray Cyrus would run away together and never be seen or heard from again.

Now something in the spirit of big boobs sticking up on a 45 degree angle!

dirty ditties - every doggerel has it's day

Some people wonder what's gotten into celebrities today. I think that it's the age we live in. The whole sad sorry mess can probably summed up in the following little ditty!



So you real can't blame the Biebs for being as rotten little jerk when thing are rotten, like the song says! Even a Robin Hood might fall victim to his own vanity.



So when other legends are forgotten, just remember back when things were rotten. It's a Wondertrash thing!

The chips are still down for Chris Brown

I told you not to push the wrong buttons!

Charlie Sheen isn't the only celebrity missing a publicist. You can add Chris Brown to the list. It's been a rough year for Brown. Things went wrong for him a couple of Academy Awards ago. He and his then gal pal Rihanna were set to perform a duet number at the event. It was gonna be a big deal for them. Then pre Oscar nerves and anger issues got the better of Brown. While he and Rihanna were motoring around LA they had a disagreement; something about strange women leaving text messages on Brown phone. Next thing you knew Rihanna was wearing the steering wheel like a head band.

Normally that thing would've been hushed up. That's what publicists are for. However this time meddling members of the public got in the way. Witnesses to the altercation phoned the cops. Since Rihanna had taken the keys from the ignition and tossed them out the window - that's when Chris lost his shit - there was no way to blow the scene. When the authorities arrived Brown had fled the scene on foot, and they found Rihanna battered and bloodied. The police then went on to take Rihanna's statement and take a lot of crime scene photos that didn't do brown any good in the court of public opinion.

After that Brown was in the dog house. That's not when his PR rep quit. Brown still had a committed fan base who were leaving lots of Myspace and Facebook messages of support. So there was still the opportunity to do important work - like rebuilding his career by repairing his image. Chris would have to lay low for awhile. Then when everyone had calmed down a bit he could make some low key public apologies. The apologies are no problem. PR Reps can whip those up pretty quick, and may even have standard form letter type mea culpa on file and waiting just in case; just the way major newspapers have the obits for troubled celebs drawn up in advance and ready to role. It also helps to have an experienced person write these things up for you so that you'll sound like you know what you did wrong.

Everything was going off according to plan. Chris was even getting ready to release some stuff and do some public appearances. A few duets with established and respectable performers were lined up. That's so Chris could get back into the public's good graces on the coat tails of performers that they still liked. The manipulators were using every trick in the book and it looked like the plan might pay off too. Then Chris goes and pulls one of his patented boners.

The boner in question occurred shortly after a recent GMA interview. Chris was being interviewed by Robin Roberts. Now doubt all the ground work had been done in advance. The PR team had moved in with a pre selected set of questions - nothing awkward; and instruction to kid glove the interview. Then Robin went and did something that threw everything out of whack. She brought up Rihanna. That put Chris off his game. By the time he got back to his dressing room he had a full head of steam. So full in fact that he trashed the joint like he was Charlie Sheen entertaining a hooker in a hotel room. He tried to throw a chair through a window too, for good measure. When the creative temperament goes tilt, look out!

That little stunt seemed to be the last straw. It did get Chris a lot of publicity. People started talking about him like he was the bastard child of OJ Simpson by Mel Gibson or something. Only Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin were more publicly disliked. That's to say that though he might still have a future in politics, show business is looking bleak for him right now! Maybe he can find something on FOX News.

They say that there's no such thing as bad press. The trouble is that this kind of press was completely opposite tot he kind of press his hard working PR team had been trying to build up for him over the past year. You know, the whole "Chris Brown is not a monster" angle. Then in one impulsive outburst he threw that hard work down the drain. Since trying to help some one who isn't helping themselves is a waste, his rep Tammy Brook walked off the job in disgust.

So things don't look good for Chris right now. Getting your own PR rep is a right of passage for celebrities. It mark the acceptance into the 'community', the way confirmation does for Christians. They're the ones who show you the finer points of playing the game. They get rid of those personal problems the way a father confessor might help clear things up with God. So when your PR rep abandons you, it's like being excommunicated from the entertainment business. After that it's down hill no matter how bad you want to get back. You can still put yourself out there, but you're strictly D List. You career prospects are restricted to pitching reality TV shows based on fucking up, and possibly dating Kat Von D.

This is the position that poor Chris currently finds himself in. So for all of you who were worried that a woman beater might worm his way back into a successful entertainment career, relax. If you ever see this guy again it's gonna be on a double date with Michael Lohan, or on some reality TV spectacle like Dr Drew's Rehab. Perhaps he might hook up with Octomom!

That might be possible since Chris hasn't given up and is trying to say the right things, like "I got very emotional, and I wanna apologize for acting like that." So maybe he could play the bi polar angle. It could even be time for a drug abuse admission. Probelm is that without a PR rep to sell that, he's gonna have a hard time getting the media to take it seriously. He's like a tree falling in the forrest without anyone to run around to news outlets for him explaining that the tree has a problem which requires our understanding and sympathy. Look on the bright side Chris - the National Enquirer is gonna be following you for years to come!

Zsa Zsa Gabor wants to move up in class

For those unfamiliar with Zsa Zsa Gabor - except as a comedic characterture of an aging Hollywood actress, she was the Kim Kardashian of her day (She and her two sisters originated the Kardashian act). That means she was a characterture of a Hollywood sex symbol. That's kind of like being a female impersonator except you're a woman - anyone remember Victor/Victoria? To that end Zsa Zsa made a bunch of B movies that no one remembers, married and divorced alot of husbands - she was kind of in the alimony business, and guest starred on The Beverly Hillbillies a few times. So you can say that she's a sort of pop cultural icon. Like Susan Somer's Thigh Master commercials! About the only thing she didn't get around to was getting shot in the gob by Phil Spector!

Bed room farce antics aside, Zsa Zsa did live a rich and interesting life. She married Anna Nicole Smith's lover, and almost became Smith's adoptive mother. That was when Anna Nic tried to convince her lover, who is Zsa Zsa's husband - Prince von Arnolt, to legally adopt her. That way she could officially become a princess! Sounds flaky buts that how Arnolt inherited his princely title, and probably how the woman he screwed out of the title got it herself!

Even though this is a very European arrangement - in this case "European" differentiates from American in that there is no pretense to any kind of morality or decorum. It's a "we're consenting adults and know how the world works *wink wink*" deal - Zsa Zsa wasn't having any part of it. So she out the kibosh on the deal and Anna Nicole had to settle for a Texas oil billionaire, whom she quickly married and promptly buried.

Did I say bed room farce antics aside? Zsa Zsa did do something genuinely interesting. She slapped a LA traffic cop. The guy pulled Gabor over after he saw her car slowly serving all over the road. Seeing an elderly actress behind the wheel he must've assumed that she was having a botox induced stroke, or perhaps was buzzed out on a cocktail of powerful sedatives legally obtained from her many physicians. So he asked her if she needed assistance.

Zsa Zsa, who was allegedly drunk at the time, staggered forth from the vehicle and informed the good officer in a heavily slurred accent that she was a famous actress who's husband is a Prince, and that she has many powerful friends who could break the fellow like a match stick, so 'jump back Jack' Then she landed him a smack across the chops to make sure he got the point. When I say smack I mean that she hit him, not kissed him. A kiss from that grizzled old beak would've been so traumatic that the fellow would've had grounds for a law suit.

Now when your main claims to fame are based on a clownish B movie image and a bunch of ridiculous incidents, then you might have a real burning need to be taken more seriously. God knows Zsa Zsa will never be Helen Mirren, not now at her age; but I'm sure that she hasn't given up hope - God bless her soul. After all Helen Mirren wasn't really Helen Mirren until she got up in years. In her prime she did the roles Joan Collins turned down - & Joansie didn't turn down much of anything! The point is that a little respect would be nice, even if completely undeserved.

The recent passing of Jayne Russell and Elizabeth Taylor seem to have brought this point home to ailing Zsa Zsa. It seems that she's got it in her mind that celebs always go in 3's (they do: one dies naturally and the other 2 follow along for the attention!). Further more she's convinced that if she can make number three, then that will prove to the world that she just wasn't come over stuffed clown with an accent, but an actress of the highest caliber! With that in mind she has insisted on being rushed to the hospital!

Now the official story is that Zsa Zsa was at home fidgeting restlessly in front of the TV when she got the sad news about Taylor. Then, according to her publicist - who may have been standing near by with pen and pad in hand to record Gabor's words for posterity - Zsa yelps out "Oh, Jane Russell and Liz Taylor — I'm next." The publicist - John Blanchette doesn't go on to say whether or not anyone burst out in laughter.

Zsa Zsa took the whole deal very seriously though. She insisted on having her blood pressure taken. According to Blanchette it was "soaring". Not that you can make anything out of that since Gabor is high pressure at the best of times. Anyway it was enough to get her carted off to the hospital and put on unofficial death watch. As for the prognosis, Blanchette goes on to say that Gabor is a fighter, as one LAPD officer can attest to. Now I'm not sure how to take that remark. With Gabor that just might mean this is one casting call she's determined to make, even though it's only for the final curtain. That's fame for you - eventually it's being the stiff at your own funeral, and looking as life like as you ever did! Good luck Zsa Zsa!

By the way Zsa Zsa isn't the only one trying to horn in on the action. Westboro Baptist Church has announced plans to protest at Taylor's funeral. They take issue with Taylor's long time AIDS activism, which they call "enabling gays". So that makes them almost as flaky as Victoria Jackson! Plus they're looking to score some major publicity! No official word on the rumors that they're currently shopping around a reality TV premise based on their colorful "ministry".

Michael Lohan Arrested for Felony Domestic Violence

Michael Lohan: Fame is an octagon

It's seems like trouble is the Lohan family business. On that score Lindsay seems to be the main bread winner with her frequent legal run ins and rehab stints. Papa Mikey is no slouch when it comes to rowdy hell raising himself. Mike has this problem which is that he occasionally likes to go ape shit on what ever woman is brain damaged enough to be dating him at the time. Like Kate Major. Kate was some kind of reporter or something with Star Magazine who got hooked up with and then dumped by Jon Gosselin. She rebounded on to Mike Lohan. I'd call that a case of sloppy seconds except that Major hasn't qualified as 'seconds' for many many helpings. She's more like that thing festering in tinfoil at the back of the refrigerator.

Anyhow they were getting along famously and Kate was saying Lohan was the great love of her life, just the way she was saying Jon Gosselin was the great love of her life. It's a lady's perogative to change her mind - so Kate might as well try it too. Things were going along hunky dory until some one got drunk, we're not sure who but it could have been both of them, and then the shit hit the fan. The story that trickled down to the public via twitter, the internet, and supermarket tabs, was that Mikey got home all liquored up and found Kate drunk and out cold in an arm chair. one thing lead to another as such situations often do and soon Kate was sprawled on the floor and the cops were on the way. This couldn't have happened at a worse time for Mikey since he only had 2 weeks left on his probation for some previous domestic assault type incident.

Some guys never win. In Mikey's case it's more like some guys never learn. That's because it appears lover boy has pulled another one of his patented shit for brains stunts. The details are so far sketchy, but it goes something like this:

"Mr. Lohan was arrested after we received a call around 9 p.m. regarding a domestic dispute. He was detained after he was spotted walking on the street near our station. He showed no signs of intoxication that I'm aware of and has been cooperative."

At least that's the version Lt. John Ratto gave People Magazine. Maybe Lt Latto is some kind of celebrity liaison officer. The slightly more detailed version as Lohan assaulting an unnamed victim. Lohan thens tarted complaining about an "unrelated medical condition" - I'm guessing chest pains. So he was rushed over to Cedars Sinai Hospital. He's currently laying low there while he contemplates his next move.

That next move better involve a way to raise a hughnomous wad of cash, 'cause this time the police are holding him on 200 000 bail. It's gonna be tough for Mikey to pull in those kind of funds since Lindsay is the oly one in the family with any kind of income. Her income is currently tied up in rehab bills and lawyers fees, stemming from her own particular brand of mayhem.

So look on the bright side - Japan may be about to go nuclear, the mid east may be dissolving in turmoil, Charlie Sheen is threatening to unleash violent torpedoes of truth on the nation in the form of a cross country stand up tour, and Donald Trump may be poised to run for office on a Sarah Palin presidential ticket; but at least Michael Lohan is off the streets and in some kind of supervised environment for an indefinite period of time. Every once in a blue moon the system works! There could even be an up side to this. Mikey might eventually earn his own living by pitching a reality TV concept where he fights other D List celebs! They could call the show Michael Lohan's Starwhackers! It'd beat American Idol to hell!

Firecrotch Redhanded

As for the second most troubled member of the Lohan clan, Lindsay is set to pull a Mel & plead no contest to her jewelry stealing charges. Her mother Dina emphasizes that o contest is not the same as guilty - it's completely different in the way that not guilty doesn't mean innocent. She then goes on to call LA a fucked up town - that's not news but saying it won't make her any friends, and talk about some imaginary film projects she's considering for her daughter.

Personally I'd recommend a few whacked out calls to Alex Jones (make sure to frequently mention starwhackers) followed by a Lindsay Lohan nation wide stand up tour. They could call it "Sticky Fingers", or if the Rolling Stones get pissed over that then maybe "Firecrotch Red Handed". Read about that over @ Zimbio!

Rush Fools In Where Angels Fear to Tread

What's the difference between Gilbert Gottleib and Rush Limbaugh - Gottlieb doesn't pretend to be a serious political commentator!

What can you say about a big fat pill head who shoots of his mouth public? Now I'm not referring to Alex Jones. Jones is cogent & thoughtful compared to this professional blowhard. The blowhard is Rush Limbaugh and regular listeners probably noticed that this dude's mouth lost contact with his brain - which itself lost contact with reality so that's a fine state of affairs - some time back - and started freewheeling. In fact it's been freewheeling further and further off the beaten path & on on to the lunatic fringe.

Rush offer's political commentary the way a backed up septic tank offers raw sewage

Now a lot of shit has come out of Limbaugh's big gaping maw over the course of his bombastic and otherwise banal talk radio career, but the loud mouthed snook has recently out done himself. You might not believe what those loose lips recently let slip. Now for those unfamiliar with Limbaugh's routine, he's the guy who takes political commentary down to a carnival barker level. His usual spiel borders on the kill abortionist to respect he sanctity of life routine, or bring democracy to the rest of the world by bombing it flat. He supports mandatory gun owner ship for all America's - especially deranged kooks who might take a shot at the president (Lush Dumbaugh might call that Tea Party Patriotism others might wonder whether years of pharmaceutical pill abuse have caused some serious brain damage), just in case the Russkies mount some kind of commie counter attack. I'm not sure how he stands on making use of the poor and down trodden in some Solyent Green type plan - but I hear he was a great fan of Swift's Modest Proposal until some one explained to him that it was a satire. "You mean it's a fairy story? Just like the Bible? Bah hum bug!" In other words he's a pair of tinfoil under shorts away from being Glenn Beck.

... amd you thought Charlie Sheen was nuts!

Now when you got a big loose cannon of a mouth then you usually say some pretty outrageous things just as a matter of course. Stuff like "Eat the poor" and "bomb everything", In other words he's like Glenn Beck after a stroke. So when you shoot off on a level that makes Charlie Warlock Sheen sound calm, considered and rational, you got some real personal standard of psychosis to maintain. The one thing that you can say about the Rusher is that he's got a real and undeniable talent for topping himself. To bad he doesn't have more of a talent for stopping himself.

don't tempt Mother Nature by driving a Prius

Top himself is what the big fat wind bag recently did on the subject of Japan. Now while the est of North America tormented them selves wit guilt about not doing more to help those poor wretches living over there in the disaster zone; homeless, with limited food and medicine, and often not enough room at the shelters; Rush as a different take on the situation. According to Rush Japan has no one else to blame for their current misfortune because Mother Gaia has malicious laid them low as her way for showing her appreciation for the Prius.

the electrical car will draw down the wrath of God

According to Lush Rimbaugh Japan went wrong went they got all ecological. They started flooding the America car market with all these eco responsible cars with the dinky lawn mower engines on an eco angle - instead of flooding he market with these huge tyrannosaurus rex gas guzzling hummers - Rush figures that this was some transparent attempt to suck up to Mother Earth - and being a woman, you can't expect anything in the way of gratitude. You can only expect to be trampled under foot. So if you're not willing to show Big Bitch who's the boss you gotta expect to be trampled under earth after the Great Devouring Mother has gnawed the meat off your bones and finished sucking the marrow from your bones. So playing along ain't gonna get you anywhere.

Ruch Limbaugh - an pill induced level of brain damage that makes Ann Coulter look like William F Buckley jr!

Lest Rush get upset and claim to have been misquoted by some Internet blogger, here's the gist of what he did say on his Tuesday show. While discusing the whole subject of the Japan earthquake, The Rusher said - on the air - that:

"If these are the people that invented the Prius, have mastered public transportation, recycling, why did Mother Earth, Gaia if you will, hit them with this disaster?" "They've given us the Prius. Even now, refugees are recycling their garbage." Here, he began to laugh, continuing, "and yet, Gaia levels them! Just wipes them out!"

"He's right," Limbaugh said. "They've given us the Prius. Even now, refugees are recycling their garbage." Here, he began to laugh, continuing, "and yet, Gaia levels them! Just wipes them out!"

suck my goof balls

Now Rusher doesn't exactly sound like like Mother Theresa. In fact he sounds like he's back on those goof balls that every Republican condemns and every other republic secretly takes - like Rush himself. Though it must be said that an undisclosed number of those God fearing neocons (is the proper term "Neocon" or "Necrophile"? - I keep getting them confused) do that shit so that the they can score gay sex in public restrooms while adopting the wide stance in the hopes of some toe tapping fun with anonymous strangers! Keeping in touch with the public is what's helped keep them relevant!

Gilbert the Gremlin

What the Rusher does sound like is one of those tactless stand up comedians like Gilbert Gottlieb who though that about 13 000 dead Japanese was fodder for crude humour. In fact Gilbert Goblips got taken to task over this shoot from the lip comedy. He lost his lucrative Afleck Duck gig. Since that was bout the only work he currently had, he's know cooling his heels in the dog house without so much of a bone to gnaw on.

Will Lush Dumbaugh become the next Alex Jones? It's a dicey business when you can't control your big shit spewing mouth!

So if Gottlieb can get publicly reamed out for his tactless lack of basic humanity, can we we except a big fat pill addled loud mouth snook - who has basically blamed the Japanese for their own misfortunes - to make his way back to public creditability? Maybe after a brief rehab hiatus, some crocodiles tears, and a lot of transparent excuses? Since the Gottlieb precedent has already been set it might be time for Lush Rimbaugh to take a brief vacation from the talk radio circuit - just the way Dr Laura Schlesinger did after she had that unfortunate attack of Tourette's Syndrome on the air (Laura S is currently discussing with her publicist the possibility of being bi polar - at least professionally - of course Flip Wilson describes that as "the devil made me do it"). If he can blame the whole incident on a pill addiction relapse, than he might be able to worm his way into Dr Drew's Celebrity Rehab, an even eventually redemption.

Rush & Gottlieb - watch you step or your feet could wind up in your feet in your mouths again; not that there ain't plenty of room in there for 'em

A lot of mea culpe's and some crocodile tears and even that shit cannon of a mouth of his might one day be ready for a return to the airwaves, If he can play the bi polar angle, even he might even be able to work his way back into a broadcasting career via the reality TV rehab route. Word of advice to the Rusher though - in the unlikely event you ever find you self on radio in any capacity other than as Alex Jone's comic foil side kick, you might want to get your brain in motion before that mouth of yours gets into gear. Your next attack of verbal diarrhea under the guise of no spin straight shootin' commentary might be our very last, After that you won't even find cartoon voice over work. Besides there are some eager cooperate spoketoones looking for work and eager to take you jobs!

2 1/2 Men On Indefinite Hiatus

@least this takes the pressure off of Lindsay Lohan!

getting by on the benefit of the doubt

By now everyone has heard the news about Charlie Sheen. He's been getting more attention than Lindsay Lohan & Mohammar Quadaffi, put together. However to keep you up to speed: Charlie has been going through along steady fuck up every since he was married to Denise Richards. Back then they were at odds about Charlie's refusal to get his daughters immunized (immunization is an Illuminati plot to spread autism), and his odd interests. Odd interests were porn and conspiracies with a side order of prescription pills. Since Charlie and Denise were splitting, and Denise was busy busting up another marriage on the side, every one assumed that she was a greedy manipulative slut. So Charlie got the benefit of the doubt.

here we go again

The benefit of the doubt allowed Charlie to get rid of Denise and move on to the next greedy manipulative slut. Their witches' brew of a marriage came to a boil on Christmas (Illuminati Solstice Holiday!) in a Festivus type fuck up that had Charlie holding a knife on either Brooke, or the turkey! Since Mueller was a crack headed whore who'd done coke and gone to rehab while pregnant, no one was going to give her the benefit of the doubt, even if they were less willing to give to Charlie.

Bedlam @ The Hotel Califonrnia

With Brooke out of the way that left Charlie free to his own devices. His own devices included entertaining Denise and the kids while simultaneously fucking whores and trashing hotel rooms. In other words Charlie was flirting with self destruction in a style 60's rock'n'roll martyrs would envy. He trashed a room in the Plaza Hotel, and a frightened porn actress hide in a cupboard. He caused $7000 in damage. He also gave some sleazy girls their first real taste of publicity!

a sudden violent hernia

While everyone else was asking "What next?" and "how far is this gonna go?" the CBS brass were trying to decide what they should do. Charlie is a big boy, and if he likes to party hardy, then how can you tell the guy what to do? You're only his boss, not his mommy. Charlie was making some decisions too. Like having a massive porn & drugs blow out that landed him in the emergency ward with a "hernia". "Hernia" is what you call a sudden violent attack of "celebrity dehydration", or "exhaustion".

rehab with assholes

Charlie was out soon enough, but some how everyone was more concerned with his state of mind than his hernia. Perhaps they missed the point, or maybe they ignored the memo. Anyway CBS finally decided that something had to be done. Since Charlie was reluctant to rehab with assholes under a bridge of trolls, that left the other alternative - hiatus.

Radio Free Tinfoil

At first this was only supposed to be temporary. However a lot of stories started coming out. Like the rumors about the 300 crew members losing their livelihoods. Also that Charlie had blown of rehab to do recovery at home, with hookers and tons of blow. So hiatus started looking less temporary. Then Charlie went nuts on the Alex Jones Show.

Broadcasting to the Tinfoil Nation

If you don't know who Jones is he's a Texas radio personality who got kicked off the air for being too over the top. He's like Les Nessman on speed or something. Anyway Alex went straight on tot he Internet with a conspiracy based radio. After a few spots on Coast to Coast AM Jones was getting a following. That's good cause Alex had tons of important news to share with the world: like fluoride cause brain damage, your light bulbs are spying on you, and wearing tinfoil while watching TV reduces the risk of epileptic seizures -which are a common side effect of Illuminati mind control technology!

I cured it with my mind, so kiss my alpha waves!

AS Charlie increasingly lost touch with reality he became increasingly involved with conspiracy theories. It happens; when life become surreal and difficult, the mind becomes more accepting of a deeper crazy madness behind the method. So with plenty of free time to kill, Charlie began listening more to Jones. He might have ordinarily slutted it up with his porn family but scrutiny made that impossible. A back up of unreleased semen combined with cocaine overload may have lead to what happened next.

flight of the moon bats

Charlie got himself worked up and decided to phone Alex on the air. This is the type of break everyone in media dreams of, so Alex let him right on. He also gave Sheen about 15 minutes ot vent whatever was on his mind. What was on his mind was some pretty disturbing ramblings filled with hyper defensiveness, and some violent symbolism. There were also some pointed remarks about his 2 1/2 Men boss 'Little Hymie Lipschitz'. Here are some excerpts from that interview:

technical difficulties - show canceled due to star's malfunction

Now when that got out Charlie was toast. CBS immediately announced that the show was gone for the rest of the season. Since it was TV's No 1 comedy, it puts extra pressure on the cast and crew of Big Bang Theory! It also has people wondering whether Charlie is in worse shape then they thought. Where as everyone figured hew as just some drug addict party boy, now they fear that the poor fellow may have lost his marbles. So there's a lot of talk about having him committed. That may be why Charlie has fled the country - currently residing in Barbados. That puts him beyond the reach of those who want to intervene in his life.

As of now he's out of the Major League remake, and 2 1/2 Men doesn't look like it has a future either. The Charlie Sheen Story looks like it's gonna knock everything else off of the headlines - stay tuned! Though the show is over, the story is "to be continued"! Many of us would be happy to have the story canceled and get the show back. Hopefully Charlie Sheen, a genuinely talented actor, can find some peace & grace before 'what next' goes 'too far'.

Faye Dunnaway - Snaky on a Plane

Today out of the starting gateway have a living legend - Faye Dunaway. You might remember her from such important work as Bonnie & Clyde, not to mention Network. Faye has been on the edges of the radar for w awhile what with her being over 60 and a woman in Hollywood. Hollywood Beauty has a very short half life, ! Anyway Faye got herself back onto the radar recently when some past antics, circa early 90's, resurfaced by way of Page 6!



When I say that Faye had some airline related trouble I don't mean that she brought down the plane or anything. I mean that she got on the wrong side of some airline attendants. You know how sensitive they can be - Steven Slater; and you can probably guess how demanded over the hill & irrelevant actresses can be. Making constant demands is how they reassure themselves that they're still worth it. Reassure herself was what Dunaway did with a number of mid flight tantrums. It got so bad that attendants started calling her "The Bitch" behind her back - I guess they must have seen her films!

Little Britain

This whole thing took place on a trip to Heathrow - which is in Britain. So perhaps the Brits don't get the whole celebrity entitlement thing the way we do over here. Maybe they weren't prepared for Faye's quick change into her alter ego - the one who wears a great big B on her chest! Either way they decided that they were not going to stand for Dunaway's bitchfest antics. This in spite of the fact that Dunaway was insisting on an upgrade while demanding loudly "Don't you know who I am?" (at least she didn't ask them if they knew who they were fucking with - cause that line would be corn even in a film). Anyway here's the tale as told by one of the flight attendants:

high altitude attitude

Before she boarded one early-'90s flight to London's Heathrow, the stewardess claims that airline management contacted flight attendants and ground staff and told them that under no circumstances should they upgrade Dunaway. "This was the only time this ever happened in my career," she said. Sure enough, Dunaway turned up at JFK with a coach ticket to London and demanded an upgrade.



The stewardess told us, "She was a total bitch, screaming at everyone and saying, 'Don't you know who I am?' But we refused and sat her at the front of coach, where she could see there were seats free in business and first class, which made her even more furious. When we brought out the meal service, she snapped, 'I am not eating,' as if we would care."



But the attendant added that the flight crew -- taking a cue from "Mommy Dearest," in which Dunaway played a monstrous Joan Crawford who railed, "No wire hangers, ever!" -- got their revenge. "When she fell asleep, one steward said, 'I'm going to get that bitch' and grabbed a bunch of wire hangers and put them on the seat next to her. All the other passengers were snickering. When she woke up as the plane landed, she was wide-eyed with fury, and looked around [for] whom to blame but had no idea who did it. Then she got up and did yoga in the aisle to calm herself down."

I especially like the part about her getting up and doing yoga in the aisle to calm herself down. Of course a few drinks might have worked even better. Then again a drunk and irate Dunaway might have been more than any flight crew and their attendants could have handled. Their only option might have been to jettison Dunaway at high altitude, mid flight - like so much excess volatile fuel! Put in that perspective, coat hangers seems a more gentle way of handling things. of the story is that if you're an aging Hollywood beauty and still want people to pay attention, you'll still have your bad behaviour and nasty attitude to fall back on, long after your sex appeal has deserted you!



This is probably why really successful celebrities, like John Travolta & Angelina Jolie, invest in their own private planes. When you have your own plane you're not surrendering control of yourself over to a flight crew & attendants. Plus you sky time gives you some well needed peace & quiet, by giving you a chance to relax in the privacy you can only get at 30 000 ft. Plus you can never be too sure when your attitude is gonna fail and people are gonna have some tales to tell about what sort of a nasty shit person you really are when you can't hold it in anymore! So at very least bring along a parachute for that next high altitude ego trip.

When it comes to out of control diva behavior somethings never change, they only get worse. They happen in a more compressed time line too. Where as in the old days getting yourself royal fucked up might have taken a lifetime of boozing, bad romance, and other forms of poor judgment; by the Age of Marylin Munroe an ambitious actress could achieve that in her mid 30's.



As TV shortened the American attention span the need arose to shorten the train wreck from life story to media byte proportions. That meant repeated waves of high impact incidents like rehab, arrest, court, etc; instead of the old fashioned slow comfortable screw up. From baseball to football in other words! So we have had the Britney's, Christina's etc - with the high combustion rapid burn out personal disaster stories. This form of entertainment is so intense that few young women can keep it up for long (poor Mischa Barton is looking busted lately!). Among those wild young women only a very few have stood the test of time: Paris Hilton - by going into semi retirement, Jessica Simpson - by getting fat and desperate (who saw that coming?), and of course Lindsay Lohan - by refusing to take a fall.



Lindsay has certainly had her ups and downs. So much so that her mother Dina - she's the lesser of two evils in Lindsay's parental situation - has felt the need to explain her daughter once again and this time to the good people @ ABC News 20/20. 20/20 are the ones who got right on that ticklish Tom vs Oprah story after Cruise flipped out on Winfrey's couch. So they kind of bridge the gray zone between tabloid news and entertainment gossip; the way Bill Maher and Jon Stewart bridge the gap between commentary and opinion (news is getting increasingly squeezed out - and you have to go to Stephen Colbert for any possibility of Bigfoot coverage!). I especially like their astounding medical breakthrough stories! Who knew that Epsom Salts could cure depression? Any how if you want to see Dina explaining away her daughter's trouble then hit the link over to Mocksure, where you can watch the entire interview!

Gisele Bundchen is the Sundance Kid

one stone short of a pile

Every so often some model or actress is not content with beauty & undeserved accomplishment; they want to know everything too. Sharon Stone used to claim to be a member of Mensa, and play chess games in public restaurants. She'd go in with a friend, pick a seat and place her order. Then she'd complain about the service being to slow and spread out the chess set. By the time the meal arrived, often promptly, Prof. Sharon would insist that the servers set up the meal around the chess board; because she was deeply immersed in her smart persons game and couldn't be distracted.

Then Mensa revealed that they had no record of Stone ever being a member of their organization. Plus evidence of her claimed 162 IQ was harder to come by than Barack Obama's birth certificate. So the chess board disappeared. Stone is one of many such examples, right up to Gwenyth GOOP Paltrow opening up a website because you need to know how much better than you she is at everything.

I have something to share with the world - my opinion!

Then of course there's Angelina Jolie who feels the need to write for the Economist and meddle in international politics. So she's Hollywood's #1 busy body (I'm waiting for the inevitable day when she calls child protective services on a neighbor, and it comes out 2 weeks later that she herself is an unfit parent! - "I thought no one would notice my glass house if I threw enough rocks!" might be a possible explanation in that case.). Considering her forays into the world of journalism, some of us wish that she's concentrate more on Middle East Peace and the Economy. The only catch in that is journalism is a relatively harmless pass time, where as if you fuck up international diplomacy you're featured on CNN (the great thing about journalism is that it provides an opportunity to use other people's failings as a means of creative expression with out actually learning anything from those failings!).

Boobs moves up in the world!

Now it seems that there's a new latest and greatest addition to the 'what the world needs now' list. This notable is none other than Gisele Bundchen. Bundchen started life as "The Boobs From Brazil". That's what people in the fashion industry called her because of her most prized assets. Besides Elle MacPherson already had the moniker of "The Body", so Bundchen would have to be content to specialize, for awhile.

I guess when you make a shit load of money for being a pair of buckets hanging off of an over extended ladder (she raked in over $17 mill last year and that was a slow year for her), you've got something to prove to the world. Something like you're not just a body without a brain. Gisele makes up for this with her mouth, but not in a smart or effective way. She works her Brady hole by expressing flaky and outlandish opinions of the "I know better, and probably even best" variety.

Like the time she had her son Benjamin and went around acting like she was the first woman in the history of the world to ever give birth before. She was giving a lot of interviews to the effect of "I don't know why all these silly women need sedatives and a team of surgeons to give birth! I just did some yoga and exercise, to keep myself in my usual top form. then I prepared myself mentally for the ordeal with a little mediation and pop - no problem. I didn't feel a thing!".

Booby Trap

While Bundchen was coming off like some kind of Wagnerian super heroine run amok - Bundigard: The Jaws of Life; others were speculating about what the hell had gotten into her. Was this a case of German efficiency again rearing it's ugly head? Have Gisele's nether regions received so much traction action in the past that she really can't feel anything, perhaps because friction has worn the nerve endings off? Or could this be a developing case of Megan Fox style hoof in mouth disease from another pretty girl with something to prove?

Boobage out of bondage

Sadly Dizzy Gissy wouldn't shut up. She went on to expound on the Science of Motherhood with more thoughtless and unfortunate public statements. Like she only breast feeds little Benjamin - and not just to give his future girlfriends inadequacy issues either. She considers it to be essential to the development of young Wunderkin to the point that it's tantamount to child abuse for a mother to with hold the boob. That's even if that boob ain't from the Vaterlund by way of Brazil, too! The Breast Nazi went even further and said that if it were up to her mothers would be forced to give up there milk to their suckling infants, maybe even with the invention of some special group of Breast Police! The way she was running her mouth you'd think that the poor girl was competing for the Noble Booby Prize.

'I wanted to be very aware and present during the birth... I didn't want to be drugged up.
'So I did a lot of preparation, I did yoga and meditation, so I managed to have a very tranquil birth at home.'
Soon after, Bundchen caused controversy by declaring that breastfeeding should be a 'worldwide law.'
The synthetics-obsessed model told Harper's Bazaar: 'Some people here [in the US] think they don't have to breastfeed, and I think "Are you going to give chemical food to your child when they are so little?"
'I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.'
She later apologised for her comments saying: ' Becoming a new mom has brought a lot of questions, I feel like I am in a constant search for answers on what might be the best for my child.'

you scream, I scream, we all scream "Sun Screen!"

Anyway for anyone who's still reading the other shoe has dropped. It's dropped out of Gisele's mouth, probably because her feet spend so much time there. This time Gisele is venturing off the topic of motherhood and farther a field into Gwenyth Paltrow's general lifestyle turf (you realize - this means war). It's was only natural, I suppose, that such an Ubermom would eventual tire of the topic and need other things to occupy her heroic interest! For one thing Gisele is concerned about sun screen. She's not concerned in the normal sensible sense of people getting sick. Gisele is concerned in the flaky opinionated celebrity sense - that is she's afraid sunscreen is full of toxic chemicals.

if you can't be a model then at least you can work the night shift!

According to Gisele sun screen contains poisons, that if smeared on your skin, even the common course stuff you and I have, and not the really nice stuff she wears around - could make you very sick. 'I cannot put this poison on my skin,' the 30-year-old said. 'I do not use anything synthetic.' To that end she advises people to go out in the sun before 8 AM, or wait until late in the afternoon. Simply straightforward practical advice anyone might use - if they keep supermodel hours (even show followed by an alight bash). For the rest of the world those are vampire hours. You can almost imagine Gisele stumbling home from some fashion blowout in the we hours of the dawn, stopping before her apartment door to take a breath and clear her head, and then thinking to herself "This feels so good, I wonder why I'm the only one who's thought of doing this?"

experts are concerned about common sense, and to a lesser extent UV Rays

Now Bundchen's latest public tongue wagging has some people concerned about the effect of her voice on common sense (and since these people are experts and not models, their opinions carry less weight). These are people like Dolival Loao, head of dermatology at Brazil's National Cancer Institute. Loao said: 'Sunscreen prevents damage to the skin and is of fundamental importance for the prevention of cancer.' He added: 'This is not any poison, when a public person makes a statement like this, it creates confusion.' Congratulations Gisele, we knew you were special but now you "this is not any person" status is backed by expert opinion! Although if he's really concerned about Gisele's influence on the public he needs to get out of the lab more.

don't get burned by listening to celebrities

So the experts think that Gisele is really 'something else', but what's the word on sunscreen? For the record this comes out of the UK - where naturally they know all about sunlight. It comes out so rarely that when it does Britons gather round and pay very close attention. Anyway Jessica Harris, of Cancer Research UK said: 'Using sunscreen with at least SPF15 can help to protect your skin, along with spending time in the shade and covering up with clothing.' She also reassured Bundchen saying: 'Sunscreens are fully tested before they can be sold and are not harmful to the skin.' So maybe the Brits don't know everything about sunlight, but give Ms. Harris credit for some scientific awareness!

are Gisele's problems more than skin deep?

So it's official: sunscreen is good, and Bundchen is an "ignorant, sanctimonious cow". I'll be relieved if it's only that simple. Sometimes, when a celebrity starts talking about health, and chemicals, it can be a sign of deeper and more serious issues. Like the presence of a new and wacky belief system. For instance John Travolta's wife claimed publicly that her son's non autism was caused by household cleaners. Now to be clear she wasn't admitting that the poor child had autism - it was a Scientology approved condition called Kawasaki Syndrome; but still cleaners could've caused the autism if he actually had that. Man that makes less sense than Ms. South Carolina trying to find the United States on a map (or George W Bush trying to find weapons of mass destruction, for that matter!). Point is that Kelly Preston is Scio, and that effects how she thinks.

some direct statements a lot of "WTF?"

Jenny McCartney made some similar statements about her own son's autism. Not that she denies the kid has it; she's very direct about that. It's just that she thinks it was caused by vaccinations or something. So no parent should ever have their kid vaccinated now according to her, because it's not like we're back in the days of polio or anything anymore. Now we don't know what sort of belief system that Jenny's bought into; but she's an actress, and lives in LA, so it's a safe bet that she didn't come up with this on her own.

so how big has Gisele's head gotten lately anyways?

So that brings us to the case of Gisele. If this is only some model at the end of her career trying to hang on to attention, then it will be the lesser evil. Worse case scenario is that she's mixed in with some crowd who filled her head with a lot of crap because there was nothing already inside to get in the way. If that's the case, then the real reason Gisele is hanging around out side @ 8 in the morning, and avoiding sun blocking chemicals, could be something as disturbing as this!

if you can't keep it in proportion, then put it in perspective!

It should be mentioned that staring directly at the sun is believed to cause eye damage. The link isn't really proven - like that between lung cancer and smoking - still it's better to be careful. If you must look at a blindingly bright object, then make sure you wear industrial grade sunglasses, or a welder's mask; and put on some damned sun screen! As for Gisele, try not to be too concerned, unless her next public statement is about chemtrails - and Gisele dear, try not to let you head get to big because that'll only make your boobs look smaller.

Celebrity Outrage Mania!

Wonky Willie - more nuts than chocolate!

Usually Awards season marks a lull in celebrity shenanigans. Everyone is on their best behavior because no one wants to fuck up and forfeit their invitation to the prom. Getting jammed up prior to the Oscars and losing your Golden Ticket could mean instant demotion to the D List (Just like Chris Brown about this time last year. If you're you're gonna mess up at least wait until after the ceremonies, like Sandra Bullock ex Jesse James. Last year's Oscars are gonna be a tough act to follow!). So everyone tries to put their best foot forward at all times. That means sucking it in until the season passes so they can get back to their normal bad behavior. Usually that is, but this season seems to be a bit of an exception.

Hornet's Nest

Maybe it was Tom Cruise's controversial announcement that the Oscars don't really matter that shook everyone loose but we're getting some alearming reports of celebrity outrage mania coming out of the thirty mile zone. Reports like those concerning Edward Furlong. You might remember him from Terminator 2. People predicted a great future for him but then he got mixed up in drugs of the crystal meth variety, Now that stuff not only messes up you face real bad but can make your career and life unmanageable. So Furlong had a sort of hiatus for awhile. in this case hiatus means he became as unemployable as Lindsay Lohan (a sure Oscar night absentee, even if she ain't in rehab or wearing a scram bracelet on the night).

That hiatus recently ended when Furlong was cast in The Green Hornet. Hornet is an anticipated film so it's good work for a promising actor trying to get back on track. Unfortunately some old baggage came back to haunt him. Furlong has had a tempestuous relationship with his ex wife Rachel Kneeland. By tempestuous I mean that the police often have to mediate between the pair. mediation has lead to a restraining order. In fact the terms of the order require Furlong to stay at least 100 yards away from Kneeland at all times. To put that in perspective they could attend the same football game but only of they're seated in opposite end zones.

Furlong decided to do an end run around the restraining order recently, at least according to the ex. While he'd didn't go for a touch down, he did get within the 50 yard line. So that was a technical foul and lead to the troubled young actor getting carted off by the cops and then locked up on 75 000 bail! That's a lot of money for some one who's last major role was as robot Schwarzenegger's teen aged side kick, and who spend the time since then burning up his earnings through little glass pipes! It couldn't have happened at a worse time either - the arrest happened with in 24 hours of Furlong attending a special Green Hornet premier. The actual violation occurred about a month back so that makes the timing sound like a case of revenge being served cold, or at least chilled.Oh the humiliation!

If there's a bit of spite involved it shouldn't be too surprising. Furlong and Kneeland, who also goes under the name Rachel Bella, had a real bad bust up. During the divorce Kneeland claimed that Furlong had started to lose his grip on reality after his drug use escalated out of proportion. She claimed that he beat her up, threatened her life frequently, and also became psychotic and suicidal. Oh yeah and she had him committed to a psych ward at one point. Plus a lot of creepy phone message by Furlong for Kneeland have got released along the way. They concern Furlong's son Ethan by Kneeland and swear bloody reprisals against Kneeland's current boyfriends should they get anywhere near the lad. Bloody reprisals in this case mean an enraged and drugged up Furlong threatening to tear things out and open things up in the grievous bodily harm vein!

Now Furlong's reps were claiming that he'd been clean and sober of 5 years. those kind of assurances no doubt helped his career back on track. Now it looks like the poor fellow's demons are making a reappearance, if not a full blown sequel. They've reappeared at the worst time too, just as his Green Hornet project was being hyped up. So it looks like he might be due for another long painful hiatus. At the very least he's blown his shot at an official Oscar invite. He should still be eligible for some unofficial Oscar night activities though. I'm sure for instance that he could get into Charlie Sheen's Oscar party!

Child star fuck ups are becoming an epidemic in America. Then again outrageous child behaviour is becoming epidemic. The USA seems to be a culture that has list control of it's youth, or at least that's what the Simpsons would have us believe, back in that episode where the Commonwealth of Australia wanted to boot Bart in the bum (They'd never have gotten away with razzing the Aussies like that if they weren't owned by the same fellow who has a controlling interest in Australia - FOX TV's Rubert Morlock!). If some of the more outrageous reportage is to be beleived America youth a running whild in the streets as behaviour modifying medications fail to curb their antisocial tendencies, or improve their grades.

So what could be the answer? Well boot camps seem to have had some positive results - if reality Tv is to be believed. If that can help the larger issue of youthful high spiritedness, maybe it could do something for the specific problem of child stars run amok! Considering how the system has failed Lindsay Lohan (not to mention Mischa Barton) it might certainly be worth a try. It could also lead to a whole new series of Celeb Rehab type spin offs in which belligerent child actors are sent off to TV boot camps to have their spirits broken. We can't be sure what such series might be like, but they would surely be watchable, and might even turn out something like this!



Perhaps the problem of out of control youth seems worse than it is. Nowadays we know everything, thanks to the Internet. So the minute some child star goes of the rails we get the gory details. Then we wax nostalgic for the good old days when Opie said the darnedest things but never got out of line. If you only knew half the shit Shirley Temple was into, it might put things in a whole new perspective! Then again you never hear about the child stars who keep their noses clean and stay on track - like this fellow:

American Gothic's Lucas Black - Sorcerer's Apprentice

Down in Trinity South Carolina Sheriff Buck ("That's Buck with a 'B'!") raises kids right, even if that takes a dose of black magic! The complete American Gothic series is available over @ Fancast.com!

Drunken Mel Gibson calls Jewish Winona Ryder an Oven Dodger

Neigh & Winnie

Winona Ryder: Genre babe of the week #23

Winona Ryder has been called many things over the course of her career: a beautiful woman, a talented actress, occasionally "Wanna Ride Her", and once something very objectionable by disgraced superstar Mel "Worse Than OJ Simpson" Gibson. It was a comment that put Winona ahead of the curve on what sort of fellow Gibson is, and the sort of comment that he was later to become infamous for.

Allie Macabre

This all began back about 15 years ago. It was a simpler and more innocent day when Robert Downey jr. was still on the skids, or worse doing Allie MacBeal (she's some good feel!). Back then Mel was the most popular leading actor in Hollywood, next to fellow superhunk Tom Cruise. Winona still had a thriving career as a pretty and talented leading lady in character type roles. Her melancholy good looks and screen presence had put her on the upswing in Hollywood. Within a short time she would be starring opposite Angelina Jolie in Girl Interrupted, and then go on to get caught with sticky fingers in a series of embarrassing shoplifting cases (Winona has issues ranging from prescription drug abuse to kleptomania). Next stop would be obscurity. At the time of the incident that train wreck had yet to leave the station. Winona still had a viable career presence in Hollywood. Viable enough to get into some A List mega parties. Parties like the one where she crossed paths with Archie Bunker on Methamphetamine Mad Mel Gibson!

"You ain't all that and a bag of chips!"

As Winona recalls in a recent GQ interview she was at one of those mega parties with a gay friend of hers when who should she run into but Mel all drunk and belligerent like. Mel opens his yap an immediately makes some kind of anti gay slur. Winona thinks to herself "OMG" - or whatever people at the time thought of instead of OMG - "This guy's anti gay". She still goes right on talking though cause this is Hollywood, the guy is Mel Gibson, and gay acceptance is still waiting for Will & Grace to carry the cause over the mainstream threshold.

Mad to the Max

So Winona bravely disregards the feelings of her gay friend and keeps chatting away with Gibson (there's no folk like show folk). Some where between the jigs and the reels it slips out that Winona is Jewish. Her actual last name is Horowitz. Everyone knows how Mel is about the Chosen People. They set him off like a Jihadist at a Koran burning. So Mel, liquored up, makes a remark to Ms. Horowitz about her being an "oven dodger".

"Are they like the LA Dodgers or something?"

The 'oven dodger' crack takes a little while to register on Winnie. Maybe at first she thought it had something to do with her escaping a life of domestic servitude and drudgery. Probably she was much to out of it for anything to register on her right away. Then slowly 2 and 2 come together and she realizes that she's been called something a lot more offensive than "Sugartits". No word on whether or not Ms. Ryder continued the small talk after that remark, but she does go on to say something like 'I knew he was a racist homophobe 15 years before any of you and no one would believe me just because I was a fucked up mess!'

He has swastika underpants - we get it!

It's not like Winnie rated high on the creditability scale. She was to rate rock bottom on it in a short time and some shop lifting sprees later. You have to give her credit: even a stopped clock is right twice a day! Also you have to ask "Why speak up now if you knew for 15 years?" Part of the reason was the no one was ready to listen. The more important reason is that the 39 year old Ryder has finally managed to claw her way back from Sean Young like obscurity to a supporting role in the new Natalie Portman flick Black Swan. Ryder plays a washed up ballerina in that and is anxious for it to do well so that she can stop playing a washed up actress in real life! She can also get back to boosting from LA's finer boutiques.

leave Mel alone?

Since Mel is a magnet for publicity these days dragging him into it might help her film in some way that only Winnie's pilled out unstable brain can fathom. It ain't gonna do anything for Mel's Beaver film. Then again Mel has been done for a while now. At worst this is only the final nail in the career coffin. As for Winnie she working and flat on her back back on the map. No word on whether Winnie has opened a Twitter account yet.