Dick gets pissy

Rogue Dick

When you take to gossip blogging there are some people you can't do with out. Like Andy Dick. On a slow news day he can be like 10 Lindsay Lohans on meth! You'll be sitting at your word processor all dejected and at a loss about what to write when suddenly you'll blunder across some Andy Dick story complete with outrageous conduct. Maybe he'll have groped a show girl, or scored coke in a bar parking lot and then split it with his date/paid escort. This time Andy pee'd in public! He did a lot more than pee, actually; and set a whole new level for celebrity out rage mania.

He makes Charlie Sheen look like a droopy eyed armless child

The scene of the crime was down in Newport Beach. They have a little film festival down there. it's the kind of thing some towns do when they want to get on the entertainment map, attracted glitterati, and turn a fast buck. It's a good idea but they good folk of Newport Beach only made one mistake - they didn't read Wondertrash. If they had then they'd have known about their second mistake, and that was letting Andy Dick anywhere near the premises.

a dick you can't keep down!

Well like I say Dick did get in and when he did he made a fine spectacle of himself. Eyewitnesses and a festival co-founder saw an allegedly intoxicated Dick unzip his pants, expose himself, rub up against tables, enter a display booth, urinate on the backdrop (in the shape of a "Z" as in Zorro, I hear) and then pull it down and destroy it, reports RadarOnline, according to the Orange County Register. Sounds like the powers that be could've saved themselves much time and trouble if they'd just shipped Andy over to the middle east, as a kind of one man war on terror! This man dreams up mayhem like the illegitimate love child of Bruce Willis by Arnold Schwarzenegger!

Dick is cock of the walk at Newport Beach!

Naturally indecent exposure and public urination has lead to some ugly legal talk involving law suits. Not everyone has a taste for outrageous performance art ( and this guy might have Yoko Ono gasp for breath!). Seems that the Newport Beach people feel that Dick was more than a party pooper but was an expensive nuisance as well. So they want to make good on the deal by dragging him into court:

"Obviously, we need to recoup damages," said Todd Quartararo, festival co-founder and director of marketing. "It was a brand new booth that needs to be replaced. We are exploring legal options to recoup damages." Quartararo said Dick caused a couple thousand dollars worth of damage.

ticklish dickishness

Dick's been on a roll lately, since his most recent incident of dickishness was down in Texas. There he got in trouble for allegedly grinding his genitals on a man's head. Now that's a brave thing to do in Texas!

My personal choice for 2 1/2 Men!

Now let's take a look at a day in the life of Andy Dick! It's a day of blurry flashbacks and thinly disguised remorse.

Andy still a dick

Even Gloria Allred wouldn't touch this!

I'd say that Andy Dick is still fighting his demons except that these days his demons are probably ashamed to be seen with him. That doesn't mean that Andy is ashamed to show his face out in public, and his his usual condition too; drunk and disorderly! Seems that Andy was out and about down in Temecula, CA. That's 'cause fashionable LA establishments won't let him on their premises. Anyway Andy was enjoying himself in a local restaurant when he got a little too high spirited. That's a polite euphemism for got drunk out of his mind and made a fool of himself.

everyday is a reality TV episode

Now there's no word yet on what sort of tomfoolery Andy was involved in (I'm assuming that it was more than a nipple slip), but it did result in the usual visit from the cops. Andy got charged with a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct with alcohol. Then he was escorted off the premises and to the nearest drunk tank. It must be reassuring to know that there are some establishments that still welcome him; even if it's only into the Lindsay Lohan suite. Anyway Andy got some time to sober up and enjoy some complimentary jail house hamburgers before paying his $500 fine and being released. So he is once again free to pursue his new career as a public nuisance! Oh yeah, and he also got this nifty mugshot as a little memento!

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The chips are still down for Chris Brown

I told you not to push the wrong buttons!

Charlie Sheen isn't the only celebrity missing a publicist. You can add Chris Brown to the list. It's been a rough year for Brown. Things went wrong for him a couple of Academy Awards ago. He and his then gal pal Rihanna were set to perform a duet number at the event. It was gonna be a big deal for them. Then pre Oscar nerves and anger issues got the better of Brown. While he and Rihanna were motoring around LA they had a disagreement; something about strange women leaving text messages on Brown phone. Next thing you knew Rihanna was wearing the steering wheel like a head band.

Normally that thing would've been hushed up. That's what publicists are for. However this time meddling members of the public got in the way. Witnesses to the altercation phoned the cops. Since Rihanna had taken the keys from the ignition and tossed them out the window - that's when Chris lost his shit - there was no way to blow the scene. When the authorities arrived Brown had fled the scene on foot, and they found Rihanna battered and bloodied. The police then went on to take Rihanna's statement and take a lot of crime scene photos that didn't do brown any good in the court of public opinion.

After that Brown was in the dog house. That's not when his PR rep quit. Brown still had a committed fan base who were leaving lots of Myspace and Facebook messages of support. So there was still the opportunity to do important work - like rebuilding his career by repairing his image. Chris would have to lay low for awhile. Then when everyone had calmed down a bit he could make some low key public apologies. The apologies are no problem. PR Reps can whip those up pretty quick, and may even have standard form letter type mea culpa on file and waiting just in case; just the way major newspapers have the obits for troubled celebs drawn up in advance and ready to role. It also helps to have an experienced person write these things up for you so that you'll sound like you know what you did wrong.

Everything was going off according to plan. Chris was even getting ready to release some stuff and do some public appearances. A few duets with established and respectable performers were lined up. That's so Chris could get back into the public's good graces on the coat tails of performers that they still liked. The manipulators were using every trick in the book and it looked like the plan might pay off too. Then Chris goes and pulls one of his patented boners.

The boner in question occurred shortly after a recent GMA interview. Chris was being interviewed by Robin Roberts. Now doubt all the ground work had been done in advance. The PR team had moved in with a pre selected set of questions - nothing awkward; and instruction to kid glove the interview. Then Robin went and did something that threw everything out of whack. She brought up Rihanna. That put Chris off his game. By the time he got back to his dressing room he had a full head of steam. So full in fact that he trashed the joint like he was Charlie Sheen entertaining a hooker in a hotel room. He tried to throw a chair through a window too, for good measure. When the creative temperament goes tilt, look out!

That little stunt seemed to be the last straw. It did get Chris a lot of publicity. People started talking about him like he was the bastard child of OJ Simpson by Mel Gibson or something. Only Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin were more publicly disliked. That's to say that though he might still have a future in politics, show business is looking bleak for him right now! Maybe he can find something on FOX News.

They say that there's no such thing as bad press. The trouble is that this kind of press was completely opposite tot he kind of press his hard working PR team had been trying to build up for him over the past year. You know, the whole "Chris Brown is not a monster" angle. Then in one impulsive outburst he threw that hard work down the drain. Since trying to help some one who isn't helping themselves is a waste, his rep Tammy Brook walked off the job in disgust.

So things don't look good for Chris right now. Getting your own PR rep is a right of passage for celebrities. It mark the acceptance into the 'community', the way confirmation does for Christians. They're the ones who show you the finer points of playing the game. They get rid of those personal problems the way a father confessor might help clear things up with God. So when your PR rep abandons you, it's like being excommunicated from the entertainment business. After that it's down hill no matter how bad you want to get back. You can still put yourself out there, but you're strictly D List. You career prospects are restricted to pitching reality TV shows based on fucking up, and possibly dating Kat Von D.

This is the position that poor Chris currently finds himself in. So for all of you who were worried that a woman beater might worm his way back into a successful entertainment career, relax. If you ever see this guy again it's gonna be on a double date with Michael Lohan, or on some reality TV spectacle like Dr Drew's Rehab. Perhaps he might hook up with Octomom!

That might be possible since Chris hasn't given up and is trying to say the right things, like "I got very emotional, and I wanna apologize for acting like that." So maybe he could play the bi polar angle. It could even be time for a drug abuse admission. Probelm is that without a PR rep to sell that, he's gonna have a hard time getting the media to take it seriously. He's like a tree falling in the forrest without anyone to run around to news outlets for him explaining that the tree has a problem which requires our understanding and sympathy. Look on the bright side Chris - the National Enquirer is gonna be following you for years to come!

Michael Lohan Arrested for Felony Domestic Violence

Michael Lohan: Fame is an octagon

It's seems like trouble is the Lohan family business. On that score Lindsay seems to be the main bread winner with her frequent legal run ins and rehab stints. Papa Mikey is no slouch when it comes to rowdy hell raising himself. Mike has this problem which is that he occasionally likes to go ape shit on what ever woman is brain damaged enough to be dating him at the time. Like Kate Major. Kate was some kind of reporter or something with Star Magazine who got hooked up with and then dumped by Jon Gosselin. She rebounded on to Mike Lohan. I'd call that a case of sloppy seconds except that Major hasn't qualified as 'seconds' for many many helpings. She's more like that thing festering in tinfoil at the back of the refrigerator.

Anyhow they were getting along famously and Kate was saying Lohan was the great love of her life, just the way she was saying Jon Gosselin was the great love of her life. It's a lady's perogative to change her mind - so Kate might as well try it too. Things were going along hunky dory until some one got drunk, we're not sure who but it could have been both of them, and then the shit hit the fan. The story that trickled down to the public via twitter, the internet, and supermarket tabs, was that Mikey got home all liquored up and found Kate drunk and out cold in an arm chair. one thing lead to another as such situations often do and soon Kate was sprawled on the floor and the cops were on the way. This couldn't have happened at a worse time for Mikey since he only had 2 weeks left on his probation for some previous domestic assault type incident.

Some guys never win. In Mikey's case it's more like some guys never learn. That's because it appears lover boy has pulled another one of his patented shit for brains stunts. The details are so far sketchy, but it goes something like this:

"Mr. Lohan was arrested after we received a call around 9 p.m. regarding a domestic dispute. He was detained after he was spotted walking on the street near our station. He showed no signs of intoxication that I'm aware of and has been cooperative."

At least that's the version Lt. John Ratto gave People Magazine. Maybe Lt Latto is some kind of celebrity liaison officer. The slightly more detailed version as Lohan assaulting an unnamed victim. Lohan thens tarted complaining about an "unrelated medical condition" - I'm guessing chest pains. So he was rushed over to Cedars Sinai Hospital. He's currently laying low there while he contemplates his next move.

That next move better involve a way to raise a hughnomous wad of cash, 'cause this time the police are holding him on 200 000 bail. It's gonna be tough for Mikey to pull in those kind of funds since Lindsay is the oly one in the family with any kind of income. Her income is currently tied up in rehab bills and lawyers fees, stemming from her own particular brand of mayhem.

So look on the bright side - Japan may be about to go nuclear, the mid east may be dissolving in turmoil, Charlie Sheen is threatening to unleash violent torpedoes of truth on the nation in the form of a cross country stand up tour, and Donald Trump may be poised to run for office on a Sarah Palin presidential ticket; but at least Michael Lohan is off the streets and in some kind of supervised environment for an indefinite period of time. Every once in a blue moon the system works! There could even be an up side to this. Mikey might eventually earn his own living by pitching a reality TV concept where he fights other D List celebs! They could call the show Michael Lohan's Starwhackers! It'd beat American Idol to hell!

Firecrotch Redhanded

As for the second most troubled member of the Lohan clan, Lindsay is set to pull a Mel & plead no contest to her jewelry stealing charges. Her mother Dina emphasizes that o contest is not the same as guilty - it's completely different in the way that not guilty doesn't mean innocent. She then goes on to call LA a fucked up town - that's not news but saying it won't make her any friends, and talk about some imaginary film projects she's considering for her daughter.

Personally I'd recommend a few whacked out calls to Alex Jones (make sure to frequently mention starwhackers) followed by a Lindsay Lohan nation wide stand up tour. They could call it "Sticky Fingers", or if the Rolling Stones get pissed over that then maybe "Firecrotch Red Handed". Read about that over @ Zimbio!

Rush Fools In Where Angels Fear to Tread

What's the difference between Gilbert Gottleib and Rush Limbaugh - Gottlieb doesn't pretend to be a serious political commentator!

What can you say about a big fat pill head who shoots of his mouth public? Now I'm not referring to Alex Jones. Jones is cogent & thoughtful compared to this professional blowhard. The blowhard is Rush Limbaugh and regular listeners probably noticed that this dude's mouth lost contact with his brain - which itself lost contact with reality so that's a fine state of affairs - some time back - and started freewheeling. In fact it's been freewheeling further and further off the beaten path & on on to the lunatic fringe.

Rush offer's political commentary the way a backed up septic tank offers raw sewage

Now a lot of shit has come out of Limbaugh's big gaping maw over the course of his bombastic and otherwise banal talk radio career, but the loud mouthed snook has recently out done himself. You might not believe what those loose lips recently let slip. Now for those unfamiliar with Limbaugh's routine, he's the guy who takes political commentary down to a carnival barker level. His usual spiel borders on the kill abortionist to respect he sanctity of life routine, or bring democracy to the rest of the world by bombing it flat. He supports mandatory gun owner ship for all America's - especially deranged kooks who might take a shot at the president (Lush Dumbaugh might call that Tea Party Patriotism others might wonder whether years of pharmaceutical pill abuse have caused some serious brain damage), just in case the Russkies mount some kind of commie counter attack. I'm not sure how he stands on making use of the poor and down trodden in some Solyent Green type plan - but I hear he was a great fan of Swift's Modest Proposal until some one explained to him that it was a satire. "You mean it's a fairy story? Just like the Bible? Bah hum bug!" In other words he's a pair of tinfoil under shorts away from being Glenn Beck.

... amd you thought Charlie Sheen was nuts!

Now when you got a big loose cannon of a mouth then you usually say some pretty outrageous things just as a matter of course. Stuff like "Eat the poor" and "bomb everything", In other words he's like Glenn Beck after a stroke. So when you shoot off on a level that makes Charlie Warlock Sheen sound calm, considered and rational, you got some real personal standard of psychosis to maintain. The one thing that you can say about the Rusher is that he's got a real and undeniable talent for topping himself. To bad he doesn't have more of a talent for stopping himself.

don't tempt Mother Nature by driving a Prius

Top himself is what the big fat wind bag recently did on the subject of Japan. Now while the est of North America tormented them selves wit guilt about not doing more to help those poor wretches living over there in the disaster zone; homeless, with limited food and medicine, and often not enough room at the shelters; Rush as a different take on the situation. According to Rush Japan has no one else to blame for their current misfortune because Mother Gaia has malicious laid them low as her way for showing her appreciation for the Prius.

the electrical car will draw down the wrath of God

According to Lush Rimbaugh Japan went wrong went they got all ecological. They started flooding the America car market with all these eco responsible cars with the dinky lawn mower engines on an eco angle - instead of flooding he market with these huge tyrannosaurus rex gas guzzling hummers - Rush figures that this was some transparent attempt to suck up to Mother Earth - and being a woman, you can't expect anything in the way of gratitude. You can only expect to be trampled under foot. So if you're not willing to show Big Bitch who's the boss you gotta expect to be trampled under earth after the Great Devouring Mother has gnawed the meat off your bones and finished sucking the marrow from your bones. So playing along ain't gonna get you anywhere.

Ruch Limbaugh - an pill induced level of brain damage that makes Ann Coulter look like William F Buckley jr!

Lest Rush get upset and claim to have been misquoted by some Internet blogger, here's the gist of what he did say on his Tuesday show. While discusing the whole subject of the Japan earthquake, The Rusher said - on the air - that:

"If these are the people that invented the Prius, have mastered public transportation, recycling, why did Mother Earth, Gaia if you will, hit them with this disaster?" "They've given us the Prius. Even now, refugees are recycling their garbage." Here, he began to laugh, continuing, "and yet, Gaia levels them! Just wipes them out!"

"He's right," Limbaugh said. "They've given us the Prius. Even now, refugees are recycling their garbage." Here, he began to laugh, continuing, "and yet, Gaia levels them! Just wipes them out!"

suck my goof balls

Now Rusher doesn't exactly sound like like Mother Theresa. In fact he sounds like he's back on those goof balls that every Republican condemns and every other republic secretly takes - like Rush himself. Though it must be said that an undisclosed number of those God fearing neocons (is the proper term "Neocon" or "Necrophile"? - I keep getting them confused) do that shit so that the they can score gay sex in public restrooms while adopting the wide stance in the hopes of some toe tapping fun with anonymous strangers! Keeping in touch with the public is what's helped keep them relevant!

Gilbert the Gremlin

What the Rusher does sound like is one of those tactless stand up comedians like Gilbert Gottlieb who though that about 13 000 dead Japanese was fodder for crude humour. In fact Gilbert Goblips got taken to task over this shoot from the lip comedy. He lost his lucrative Afleck Duck gig. Since that was bout the only work he currently had, he's know cooling his heels in the dog house without so much of a bone to gnaw on.

Will Lush Dumbaugh become the next Alex Jones? It's a dicey business when you can't control your big shit spewing mouth!

So if Gottlieb can get publicly reamed out for his tactless lack of basic humanity, can we we except a big fat pill addled loud mouth snook - who has basically blamed the Japanese for their own misfortunes - to make his way back to public creditability? Maybe after a brief rehab hiatus, some crocodiles tears, and a lot of transparent excuses? Since the Gottlieb precedent has already been set it might be time for Lush Rimbaugh to take a brief vacation from the talk radio circuit - just the way Dr Laura Schlesinger did after she had that unfortunate attack of Tourette's Syndrome on the air (Laura S is currently discussing with her publicist the possibility of being bi polar - at least professionally - of course Flip Wilson describes that as "the devil made me do it"). If he can blame the whole incident on a pill addiction relapse, than he might be able to worm his way into Dr Drew's Celebrity Rehab, an even eventually redemption.

Rush & Gottlieb - watch you step or your feet could wind up in your feet in your mouths again; not that there ain't plenty of room in there for 'em

A lot of mea culpe's and some crocodile tears and even that shit cannon of a mouth of his might one day be ready for a return to the airwaves, If he can play the bi polar angle, even he might even be able to work his way back into a broadcasting career via the reality TV rehab route. Word of advice to the Rusher though - in the unlikely event you ever find you self on radio in any capacity other than as Alex Jone's comic foil side kick, you might want to get your brain in motion before that mouth of yours gets into gear. Your next attack of verbal diarrhea under the guise of no spin straight shootin' commentary might be our very last, After that you won't even find cartoon voice over work. Besides there are some eager cooperate spoketoones looking for work and eager to take you jobs!

Charlie Sheen Replacing Jon Cryer With Andy Dick!

The face is familiar & I never forget a Dick!

Charlie Sheen lives & breathes total fucking bitch assness! Maybe that's why some want to learn his ways. Like Andy Dick. To be fair Dick has been studying from the Book of Charlie - also known as The Hollywood Warlocks Manuel for Living With Fire Breathing Awesomeness - for some time. That means Dickie is no stranger to coke, whores, and making a public spectacle out of himself. He got into as bust up with SNL alum Jon Lovitz over some tasteless comments Dick made about then late Phil Hartman, a friend of Lovtiz's. So Lovitz knocked him the fuck out like a spider monkey with viper venom in his veins! He's also exposed himself numerous times, and groped numerous bystanders. His most recent fuck up was shaking his swizzle stick at a passing tour bus full of celebrity gawkers down in LA while hollering out "Wait! Stop! It's me, Andy Dick!" Most recent until this that is.

The Warlock's Apprentice

According to the source of all half truths, The National Enquirer, Dick was recently caught out in a nightclub making a fool of himself, or Living It to the Limit Hollywood Warlock Style With A Live Grenade in Each Hand & a Flame Thrower Between His Legs. That's Sheenspeak for fucking up with whores and coke in front of an audience!

Dick & co. are smokin' in the boy's room!

The scene of the crime was Corner Club in Woodland Hills, CA. The time was Feb 24, back when the whole Sheen brouhaha was just getting warmed up. Dick was getting warmed up too. According to a source on the scene Dick & a female companion made their way to a restroom, where they misused the facilities! By misused I mean that they beginning treating the Men's Room like it was some sort of social club, instead of as God and city zoning by laws intended. After Dick and his goddess finished making friendly, Dick went out in the parking lot to do a dope deal, then came back and made friendly. Here's the way it went down according to The National Enquirer!

"I walked in and I saw that freak Andy Dick sucking on a woman's (slang for breast)" the source divulged.

"They didn't even care or acknowledge me," said the source. "He was all over her in the men's bathroom, she was lifting her shirt and he was kissing her naked breasts."

After about 15 minutes Dick and his friend went to a car in the parking lot where the source heard Dick say "give me the coke, give me the coke," to his friend.

While snorting cocaine off a CD cover while in his car, Dick's gal pal lifted up her shirt and he continued to kiss her naked chest.

"They were in their own little world," the source said about the pair who were sitting in the car with the door open in the bar parking lot while Dick snorted the cocaine.

"He was oblivious to everything except the cocaine and the woman with him."

If you can't shine like Sheen, then don't be a Dick

Now everyone can relate to the desire to be more like Sheen. He's special. He's certainly got poetry in his fingertips! However you don't have to take the routine to bitch ass Martian rock star extremes. If you do you will die and your face will melt off! So you have to find a side effect free version of a drug called Charlie Sheen. Something safe and approved for everyday life! Like the Mad Lib Generator over @ Vanity Fair! By plugging in the appropriate nouns and verbs, this Sheenspeaking program will allow you to whiz out a paragraph that Hunter S Thompson might have been impressed with! You can do it without making a Dick of yourself too! Although making a Dick out of one's self sounds like it could have it's moments!

Mad Lib like Charlie Sheen with Vanity Fair!

“I am on a drug. It’s called Wondertrash. If you try it once, you will freak the fuck out. Your erection will melt off, and your whores will jolt over your fucked body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not dumbwad—a total freaking 007 killer spy from Uranus. I’ve got wildebeest blood, Apollo DNA! … They picked a fight with a gremlin. They’re trying to take all my Amazons and leave me with no means to create my family. It’s not theoretical physics! They owe me an apology while whacking my balls … I don’t think people are ready for the turd I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of fucked up love. I exposed hordes to magic! Here’s your semen test. Next one goes in your anus!”

BTW, PS, & Ad nauseam

PS. You've probably seen Boy Wonder Justin Bieber going around looking sour lately. That's in spite of dating Selena Gomez. The reason Justy is all upset is that no one remembered his birthday. It got blocked out of the headlines along with Muammar Khadafi by the wall to wall continuous coverage of the developing Charlie Sheen saga. Over the past 12 month everyone has been talking about Beiber ad nauseam: Bieber gets his hair cut, Bieber tweets back a fan, Bieber farts - that sort of shit. It was getting to the point where some of the more sensitive members of the public were aboutt o scream if they heard the name Justin Bieber one more time. Then along came something really interesting in the form of Charlie Sheen, to give us a well needed Bieber-break!

'Fail' is what happens when you're not 'Bi-winning'!

Well Bieber must've gotten used to the attention 'cause since it got diverted elsewhere he's been photographed walking around pouting like Keanu Reeves at the cup cake counter, and howling at paparazzi who weren't there. It's so much sadder to see a celeb crack from lack of attention than from too much of it. Anyway Bieber can take some consolation that locks of his hair sold on EBay for $40 000 (Herbert the Pervert maxed out the credit cards on that suspicious purchase!).

BOOM WINNING D'UH

He can also take some consolation in the fact that it might've sold for 3 times that, if some of Charlie Sheen old urine test samples weren't up on EBay simultaneous in competing auctions. Sorry Bieber, but that's what you get when you go up against "Boom, Winning, D'uh!". BOOM WINNING D'UH is the sound of a warlock breaking the sound barrier and hitting light speed!

Outbursts!

Charlie Sheen has just got a lot of competition!

Remember how I said that there's more going on in the world of entertainment than Charlie Sheen? Well it's going on now! The thing is that celebrities hold it in during the award season run up to the Oscars. No one wants to fuck up and lose their invitation to the ball. So celebs have to be on the best behavior. Naturally the walking around on egg shells gets to them. So you have an outburst just after the awards are clued up. Now on with the outburst!

Natalie Portman makes a stand @ the Oscars

Story No 1 is Oscar related. Remember when Natalie Portman showed up preggers and in her fancy dress; looking as pretty as Natalie Wood? Well there was a little more to her big Oscar evening than that. There was also some fashion politics going on. Portman is the newest face of Dior. as such she was expected to show up at the podium and collect her ward decked out in her sponsor's finest. Portman didn't wear Dior, but showed up in Rodarte. So why the last minute switch?

Mel Gibson gets some company

One of the big names at Dior was John Galliano. He was a big name cause he recently got fired. He was fired because he went all Mel Gibson on some poor woman at a restaurant in Paris. He told her that she had a 'dirty Jewish face' and then went on to make some over dodger type remarks. For the record the chick wasn't Jewish, but why let facts stop you when you've got a point to make? Galliano repeated that point on other occasions, and added remarks like "I love Hitler" and "you should be dead" suspected Jews. Unfortunately for Galliano some of these remarks got video taped!

When you get video taped shoot from the lip red handed like that it doesn't leave you much room for self defense (Galliano claims that the couple mistook him for a bum and began insulting them when he tried to strike up a conversation with the random strangers). Just ask Michael Richards! It can also make people of the Jewish persuasion a little upset. They seem to take it almost personally or something! You know how high strung and temperamental they can be, especially when some brings up Hitler and says that they should be dead. Anyway the high strung, temperamental, and very Jewish Natalie Portman took it beyond personal and boycotted Dior on Oscar night. Then she released the following statement:

"I am deeply shocked and disgusted by the video of John Galliano's comments that surfaced today," she said in a statement issued last night. "In light of this video, and as an individual who is proud to be Jewish, I will not be associated with Mr. Galliano in any way. I hope at the very least, these terrible comments remind us to reflect and act upon combating these still-existing prejudices that are the opposite of all that is beautiful."

So Nat's pissed off. This may put her in violation of her contract with Dior, much the way that CBS is in violation of contract with Charlie Sheen. However it's unlikely that Dior is gonna get vindictive and sue Portman for a ton. For one thing they're very sensitive to anything that even smells like bad press. That's why Galliano got fired, probably out of a cannon that was aimed at a nearby brick wall. It's also why the good people at Dior tried to out a good face on their situation by issuing the following press release:

"I condemn most firmly the statements made by John Galliano which are total contradiction with the essential values that have always been defended by the House of Christian Dior," President and CEO Sidney Toledano said in a brief statement released today.

"Today, because of the particularly odious nature of the behavior and words of John Galliano in a video made public this Monday, the Christian Dior house has decided to lay him off immediately and has begun firing procedures against him."

Now Galliano has some fashion show on Friday. Word is that it's still set to go through. It'll probably be as joyful as a funeral too (JG will be in the role of the corpse). On the upside while there are gonna be a lot less celebs attending, there's bound to be tons more paparazzi. As for Natalie, no word on whether she plans to start using her real name of Herschlag, or continue using her Hollywood slave name Portman.

Christina still a drunk

Now fashion faux pas weren't the only notable fuck ups in the volatile post Oscar period (drugs, alcohol, and pent up bad behavior can be a bad combo. When you add those stories the media was sitting on till after the Oscar, everything can add up into a career ender!). In the case of Christina Aguelira her career has been dead for a while. Certainly since "twilight's last reaming" @ the Superbowl. That doesn't mean that Chrissy still doesn't have a few tricks up her sleeve, like getting arrested!

drunk and disorderly - now indistinguishable from Ashlee Simpson!

Seems Christina and her latest guy Matthew Rutler were out and about, driving around as it were in the wee hours of the morning through the West Hollywood area. There's nothing wrong with that, unless you're ripped to the gills; which both Christina & Matthew were. So they got pulled in. Matt was driving so he got slapped with a DUI and released on $30 000 bail. Christina, the passenger, got slapped with a misdemeanor. Law enforcement officials described her as drunk and unable to take care of herself. Of course that's been Christina's predicament for awhile now according to Lainey, who's acting like she predicted this or something:

As for her condition – look, it’s not like we weren’t calling this way back in October. As I noted then:

Ultimately though, what’s really going on with Christina? As I’ve already noted, she’s bored. She’s been bored for a while. This is just the beginning.

Now that story is sort of confirmed by sources close to Christina, who claim that they've been trying to get the singer into rehab for weeks. That explains what happened at the Superbowl!

more stormy weather from Hurricane Heather?

Finally some one who we haven't heard from for a while, though she never ever holds it in. She's a noted animal activist who blew up her neighbor's dog with fireworks. She's also the ex wife of a former Beatle. That lady would be Heather Mills. Now Mills was best known back when she was hooked up with some one genuinely talented. However lack any real ability or interesting quality didn't stop her from trying to hog more than her fair share of attention.

yelling & telling

The attention grabbing only got worse during the divorce. Maybe that's because she started to get interesting, but not in a good way. For one thing she started raising an unholy stink in the media. Remember when she tossed a glass of water in the face of Sir Paul's lawyer, telling the poor woman "you've been baptised!"?

ask Peter Andre - hell hath no fury like a page 3 glamor model

She also started telling the press that Sir Paul abused her. Actually that's not exactly what Mill's said. She isn't the sort of person to mince words with delicate phrases like "abuse" when the words "drunken, drug abusing wife beater" are available. The sad part about that is that some of the shit stuck after Paul paid money to get some of his late wife's diaries back. While some thought the man was merely trying to respect his late wife's wishes by making sure her journals remained private, some were beginning to suspect that McCartney had something to hide.

Heather gets choked up in the bedroom - PR firm says "come clean"

Well it looks like Sir Paul has a clean bill of health. At least that's according to Mills ex PR firm. According to Parapluie - the PR firm - they believe that Mills was being less than truthful when she made claims like, "I could kill [Paul], last night, he tried to choke me. The marriage is over." I'd give Heather the benefit of the doubt and call that one a half truth. While it's doubtful Paul ever got violent with her, I'm sure she meant it when she said that she could kill him and that the marriage was over!

an echo of your last goodbye

There were some other things that Heather stretched the truth about too, according to the good folk @ Parapluie. Like her Dancing With the Stars money. Poor Ms Joan of Arc claims that she squandered every cent she earned on the show in charitable donations to the unworthy, 'cause that's just the kind of noble soul she is. If you believe that one then you'd better stay the fuck off of Craigslist! In fact the firm is also accusing Mills of not paying them the money she owes them. That's why they're taking her too court for $168 000 in unpaid bills. They're already forwarding stuff to TMZ too, so brace yourself for more Mills!

2 1/2 Men On Indefinite Hiatus

@least this takes the pressure off of Lindsay Lohan!

getting by on the benefit of the doubt

By now everyone has heard the news about Charlie Sheen. He's been getting more attention than Lindsay Lohan & Mohammar Quadaffi, put together. However to keep you up to speed: Charlie has been going through along steady fuck up every since he was married to Denise Richards. Back then they were at odds about Charlie's refusal to get his daughters immunized (immunization is an Illuminati plot to spread autism), and his odd interests. Odd interests were porn and conspiracies with a side order of prescription pills. Since Charlie and Denise were splitting, and Denise was busy busting up another marriage on the side, every one assumed that she was a greedy manipulative slut. So Charlie got the benefit of the doubt.

here we go again

The benefit of the doubt allowed Charlie to get rid of Denise and move on to the next greedy manipulative slut. Their witches' brew of a marriage came to a boil on Christmas (Illuminati Solstice Holiday!) in a Festivus type fuck up that had Charlie holding a knife on either Brooke, or the turkey! Since Mueller was a crack headed whore who'd done coke and gone to rehab while pregnant, no one was going to give her the benefit of the doubt, even if they were less willing to give to Charlie.

Bedlam @ The Hotel Califonrnia

With Brooke out of the way that left Charlie free to his own devices. His own devices included entertaining Denise and the kids while simultaneously fucking whores and trashing hotel rooms. In other words Charlie was flirting with self destruction in a style 60's rock'n'roll martyrs would envy. He trashed a room in the Plaza Hotel, and a frightened porn actress hide in a cupboard. He caused $7000 in damage. He also gave some sleazy girls their first real taste of publicity!

a sudden violent hernia

While everyone else was asking "What next?" and "how far is this gonna go?" the CBS brass were trying to decide what they should do. Charlie is a big boy, and if he likes to party hardy, then how can you tell the guy what to do? You're only his boss, not his mommy. Charlie was making some decisions too. Like having a massive porn & drugs blow out that landed him in the emergency ward with a "hernia". "Hernia" is what you call a sudden violent attack of "celebrity dehydration", or "exhaustion".

rehab with assholes

Charlie was out soon enough, but some how everyone was more concerned with his state of mind than his hernia. Perhaps they missed the point, or maybe they ignored the memo. Anyway CBS finally decided that something had to be done. Since Charlie was reluctant to rehab with assholes under a bridge of trolls, that left the other alternative - hiatus.

Radio Free Tinfoil

At first this was only supposed to be temporary. However a lot of stories started coming out. Like the rumors about the 300 crew members losing their livelihoods. Also that Charlie had blown of rehab to do recovery at home, with hookers and tons of blow. So hiatus started looking less temporary. Then Charlie went nuts on the Alex Jones Show.

Broadcasting to the Tinfoil Nation

If you don't know who Jones is he's a Texas radio personality who got kicked off the air for being too over the top. He's like Les Nessman on speed or something. Anyway Alex went straight on tot he Internet with a conspiracy based radio. After a few spots on Coast to Coast AM Jones was getting a following. That's good cause Alex had tons of important news to share with the world: like fluoride cause brain damage, your light bulbs are spying on you, and wearing tinfoil while watching TV reduces the risk of epileptic seizures -which are a common side effect of Illuminati mind control technology!

I cured it with my mind, so kiss my alpha waves!

AS Charlie increasingly lost touch with reality he became increasingly involved with conspiracy theories. It happens; when life become surreal and difficult, the mind becomes more accepting of a deeper crazy madness behind the method. So with plenty of free time to kill, Charlie began listening more to Jones. He might have ordinarily slutted it up with his porn family but scrutiny made that impossible. A back up of unreleased semen combined with cocaine overload may have lead to what happened next.

flight of the moon bats

Charlie got himself worked up and decided to phone Alex on the air. This is the type of break everyone in media dreams of, so Alex let him right on. He also gave Sheen about 15 minutes ot vent whatever was on his mind. What was on his mind was some pretty disturbing ramblings filled with hyper defensiveness, and some violent symbolism. There were also some pointed remarks about his 2 1/2 Men boss 'Little Hymie Lipschitz'. Here are some excerpts from that interview:

technical difficulties - show canceled due to star's malfunction

Now when that got out Charlie was toast. CBS immediately announced that the show was gone for the rest of the season. Since it was TV's No 1 comedy, it puts extra pressure on the cast and crew of Big Bang Theory! It also has people wondering whether Charlie is in worse shape then they thought. Where as everyone figured hew as just some drug addict party boy, now they fear that the poor fellow may have lost his marbles. So there's a lot of talk about having him committed. That may be why Charlie has fled the country - currently residing in Barbados. That puts him beyond the reach of those who want to intervene in his life.

As of now he's out of the Major League remake, and 2 1/2 Men doesn't look like it has a future either. The Charlie Sheen Story looks like it's gonna knock everything else off of the headlines - stay tuned! Though the show is over, the story is "to be continued"! Many of us would be happy to have the story canceled and get the show back. Hopefully Charlie Sheen, a genuinely talented actor, can find some peace & grace before 'what next' goes 'too far'.

Faye Dunnaway - Snaky on a Plane

Today out of the starting gateway have a living legend - Faye Dunaway. You might remember her from such important work as Bonnie & Clyde, not to mention Network. Faye has been on the edges of the radar for w awhile what with her being over 60 and a woman in Hollywood. Hollywood Beauty has a very short half life, ! Anyway Faye got herself back onto the radar recently when some past antics, circa early 90's, resurfaced by way of Page 6!



When I say that Faye had some airline related trouble I don't mean that she brought down the plane or anything. I mean that she got on the wrong side of some airline attendants. You know how sensitive they can be - Steven Slater; and you can probably guess how demanded over the hill & irrelevant actresses can be. Making constant demands is how they reassure themselves that they're still worth it. Reassure herself was what Dunaway did with a number of mid flight tantrums. It got so bad that attendants started calling her "The Bitch" behind her back - I guess they must have seen her films!

Little Britain

This whole thing took place on a trip to Heathrow - which is in Britain. So perhaps the Brits don't get the whole celebrity entitlement thing the way we do over here. Maybe they weren't prepared for Faye's quick change into her alter ego - the one who wears a great big B on her chest! Either way they decided that they were not going to stand for Dunaway's bitchfest antics. This in spite of the fact that Dunaway was insisting on an upgrade while demanding loudly "Don't you know who I am?" (at least she didn't ask them if they knew who they were fucking with - cause that line would be corn even in a film). Anyway here's the tale as told by one of the flight attendants:

high altitude attitude

Before she boarded one early-'90s flight to London's Heathrow, the stewardess claims that airline management contacted flight attendants and ground staff and told them that under no circumstances should they upgrade Dunaway. "This was the only time this ever happened in my career," she said. Sure enough, Dunaway turned up at JFK with a coach ticket to London and demanded an upgrade.



The stewardess told us, "She was a total bitch, screaming at everyone and saying, 'Don't you know who I am?' But we refused and sat her at the front of coach, where she could see there were seats free in business and first class, which made her even more furious. When we brought out the meal service, she snapped, 'I am not eating,' as if we would care."



But the attendant added that the flight crew -- taking a cue from "Mommy Dearest," in which Dunaway played a monstrous Joan Crawford who railed, "No wire hangers, ever!" -- got their revenge. "When she fell asleep, one steward said, 'I'm going to get that bitch' and grabbed a bunch of wire hangers and put them on the seat next to her. All the other passengers were snickering. When she woke up as the plane landed, she was wide-eyed with fury, and looked around [for] whom to blame but had no idea who did it. Then she got up and did yoga in the aisle to calm herself down."

I especially like the part about her getting up and doing yoga in the aisle to calm herself down. Of course a few drinks might have worked even better. Then again a drunk and irate Dunaway might have been more than any flight crew and their attendants could have handled. Their only option might have been to jettison Dunaway at high altitude, mid flight - like so much excess volatile fuel! Put in that perspective, coat hangers seems a more gentle way of handling things. of the story is that if you're an aging Hollywood beauty and still want people to pay attention, you'll still have your bad behaviour and nasty attitude to fall back on, long after your sex appeal has deserted you!



This is probably why really successful celebrities, like John Travolta & Angelina Jolie, invest in their own private planes. When you have your own plane you're not surrendering control of yourself over to a flight crew & attendants. Plus you sky time gives you some well needed peace & quiet, by giving you a chance to relax in the privacy you can only get at 30 000 ft. Plus you can never be too sure when your attitude is gonna fail and people are gonna have some tales to tell about what sort of a nasty shit person you really are when you can't hold it in anymore! So at very least bring along a parachute for that next high altitude ego trip.

When it comes to out of control diva behavior somethings never change, they only get worse. They happen in a more compressed time line too. Where as in the old days getting yourself royal fucked up might have taken a lifetime of boozing, bad romance, and other forms of poor judgment; by the Age of Marylin Munroe an ambitious actress could achieve that in her mid 30's.



As TV shortened the American attention span the need arose to shorten the train wreck from life story to media byte proportions. That meant repeated waves of high impact incidents like rehab, arrest, court, etc; instead of the old fashioned slow comfortable screw up. From baseball to football in other words! So we have had the Britney's, Christina's etc - with the high combustion rapid burn out personal disaster stories. This form of entertainment is so intense that few young women can keep it up for long (poor Mischa Barton is looking busted lately!). Among those wild young women only a very few have stood the test of time: Paris Hilton - by going into semi retirement, Jessica Simpson - by getting fat and desperate (who saw that coming?), and of course Lindsay Lohan - by refusing to take a fall.



Lindsay has certainly had her ups and downs. So much so that her mother Dina - she's the lesser of two evils in Lindsay's parental situation - has felt the need to explain her daughter once again and this time to the good people @ ABC News 20/20. 20/20 are the ones who got right on that ticklish Tom vs Oprah story after Cruise flipped out on Winfrey's couch. So they kind of bridge the gray zone between tabloid news and entertainment gossip; the way Bill Maher and Jon Stewart bridge the gap between commentary and opinion (news is getting increasingly squeezed out - and you have to go to Stephen Colbert for any possibility of Bigfoot coverage!). I especially like their astounding medical breakthrough stories! Who knew that Epsom Salts could cure depression? Any how if you want to see Dina explaining away her daughter's trouble then hit the link over to Mocksure, where you can watch the entire interview!

Gisele Bundchen is the Sundance Kid

one stone short of a pile

Every so often some model or actress is not content with beauty & undeserved accomplishment; they want to know everything too. Sharon Stone used to claim to be a member of Mensa, and play chess games in public restaurants. She'd go in with a friend, pick a seat and place her order. Then she'd complain about the service being to slow and spread out the chess set. By the time the meal arrived, often promptly, Prof. Sharon would insist that the servers set up the meal around the chess board; because she was deeply immersed in her smart persons game and couldn't be distracted.

Then Mensa revealed that they had no record of Stone ever being a member of their organization. Plus evidence of her claimed 162 IQ was harder to come by than Barack Obama's birth certificate. So the chess board disappeared. Stone is one of many such examples, right up to Gwenyth GOOP Paltrow opening up a website because you need to know how much better than you she is at everything.

I have something to share with the world - my opinion!

Then of course there's Angelina Jolie who feels the need to write for the Economist and meddle in international politics. So she's Hollywood's #1 busy body (I'm waiting for the inevitable day when she calls child protective services on a neighbor, and it comes out 2 weeks later that she herself is an unfit parent! - "I thought no one would notice my glass house if I threw enough rocks!" might be a possible explanation in that case.). Considering her forays into the world of journalism, some of us wish that she's concentrate more on Middle East Peace and the Economy. The only catch in that is journalism is a relatively harmless pass time, where as if you fuck up international diplomacy you're featured on CNN (the great thing about journalism is that it provides an opportunity to use other people's failings as a means of creative expression with out actually learning anything from those failings!).

Boobs moves up in the world!

Now it seems that there's a new latest and greatest addition to the 'what the world needs now' list. This notable is none other than Gisele Bundchen. Bundchen started life as "The Boobs From Brazil". That's what people in the fashion industry called her because of her most prized assets. Besides Elle MacPherson already had the moniker of "The Body", so Bundchen would have to be content to specialize, for awhile.

I guess when you make a shit load of money for being a pair of buckets hanging off of an over extended ladder (she raked in over $17 mill last year and that was a slow year for her), you've got something to prove to the world. Something like you're not just a body without a brain. Gisele makes up for this with her mouth, but not in a smart or effective way. She works her Brady hole by expressing flaky and outlandish opinions of the "I know better, and probably even best" variety.

Like the time she had her son Benjamin and went around acting like she was the first woman in the history of the world to ever give birth before. She was giving a lot of interviews to the effect of "I don't know why all these silly women need sedatives and a team of surgeons to give birth! I just did some yoga and exercise, to keep myself in my usual top form. then I prepared myself mentally for the ordeal with a little mediation and pop - no problem. I didn't feel a thing!".

Booby Trap

While Bundchen was coming off like some kind of Wagnerian super heroine run amok - Bundigard: The Jaws of Life; others were speculating about what the hell had gotten into her. Was this a case of German efficiency again rearing it's ugly head? Have Gisele's nether regions received so much traction action in the past that she really can't feel anything, perhaps because friction has worn the nerve endings off? Or could this be a developing case of Megan Fox style hoof in mouth disease from another pretty girl with something to prove?

Boobage out of bondage

Sadly Dizzy Gissy wouldn't shut up. She went on to expound on the Science of Motherhood with more thoughtless and unfortunate public statements. Like she only breast feeds little Benjamin - and not just to give his future girlfriends inadequacy issues either. She considers it to be essential to the development of young Wunderkin to the point that it's tantamount to child abuse for a mother to with hold the boob. That's even if that boob ain't from the Vaterlund by way of Brazil, too! The Breast Nazi went even further and said that if it were up to her mothers would be forced to give up there milk to their suckling infants, maybe even with the invention of some special group of Breast Police! The way she was running her mouth you'd think that the poor girl was competing for the Noble Booby Prize.

'I wanted to be very aware and present during the birth... I didn't want to be drugged up.
'So I did a lot of preparation, I did yoga and meditation, so I managed to have a very tranquil birth at home.'
Soon after, Bundchen caused controversy by declaring that breastfeeding should be a 'worldwide law.'
The synthetics-obsessed model told Harper's Bazaar: 'Some people here [in the US] think they don't have to breastfeed, and I think "Are you going to give chemical food to your child when they are so little?"
'I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.'
She later apologised for her comments saying: ' Becoming a new mom has brought a lot of questions, I feel like I am in a constant search for answers on what might be the best for my child.'

you scream, I scream, we all scream "Sun Screen!"

Anyway for anyone who's still reading the other shoe has dropped. It's dropped out of Gisele's mouth, probably because her feet spend so much time there. This time Gisele is venturing off the topic of motherhood and farther a field into Gwenyth Paltrow's general lifestyle turf (you realize - this means war). It's was only natural, I suppose, that such an Ubermom would eventual tire of the topic and need other things to occupy her heroic interest! For one thing Gisele is concerned about sun screen. She's not concerned in the normal sensible sense of people getting sick. Gisele is concerned in the flaky opinionated celebrity sense - that is she's afraid sunscreen is full of toxic chemicals.

if you can't be a model then at least you can work the night shift!

According to Gisele sun screen contains poisons, that if smeared on your skin, even the common course stuff you and I have, and not the really nice stuff she wears around - could make you very sick. 'I cannot put this poison on my skin,' the 30-year-old said. 'I do not use anything synthetic.' To that end she advises people to go out in the sun before 8 AM, or wait until late in the afternoon. Simply straightforward practical advice anyone might use - if they keep supermodel hours (even show followed by an alight bash). For the rest of the world those are vampire hours. You can almost imagine Gisele stumbling home from some fashion blowout in the we hours of the dawn, stopping before her apartment door to take a breath and clear her head, and then thinking to herself "This feels so good, I wonder why I'm the only one who's thought of doing this?"

experts are concerned about common sense, and to a lesser extent UV Rays

Now Bundchen's latest public tongue wagging has some people concerned about the effect of her voice on common sense (and since these people are experts and not models, their opinions carry less weight). These are people like Dolival Loao, head of dermatology at Brazil's National Cancer Institute. Loao said: 'Sunscreen prevents damage to the skin and is of fundamental importance for the prevention of cancer.' He added: 'This is not any poison, when a public person makes a statement like this, it creates confusion.' Congratulations Gisele, we knew you were special but now you "this is not any person" status is backed by expert opinion! Although if he's really concerned about Gisele's influence on the public he needs to get out of the lab more.

don't get burned by listening to celebrities

So the experts think that Gisele is really 'something else', but what's the word on sunscreen? For the record this comes out of the UK - where naturally they know all about sunlight. It comes out so rarely that when it does Britons gather round and pay very close attention. Anyway Jessica Harris, of Cancer Research UK said: 'Using sunscreen with at least SPF15 can help to protect your skin, along with spending time in the shade and covering up with clothing.' She also reassured Bundchen saying: 'Sunscreens are fully tested before they can be sold and are not harmful to the skin.' So maybe the Brits don't know everything about sunlight, but give Ms. Harris credit for some scientific awareness!

are Gisele's problems more than skin deep?

So it's official: sunscreen is good, and Bundchen is an "ignorant, sanctimonious cow". I'll be relieved if it's only that simple. Sometimes, when a celebrity starts talking about health, and chemicals, it can be a sign of deeper and more serious issues. Like the presence of a new and wacky belief system. For instance John Travolta's wife claimed publicly that her son's non autism was caused by household cleaners. Now to be clear she wasn't admitting that the poor child had autism - it was a Scientology approved condition called Kawasaki Syndrome; but still cleaners could've caused the autism if he actually had that. Man that makes less sense than Ms. South Carolina trying to find the United States on a map (or George W Bush trying to find weapons of mass destruction, for that matter!). Point is that Kelly Preston is Scio, and that effects how she thinks.

some direct statements a lot of "WTF?"

Jenny McCartney made some similar statements about her own son's autism. Not that she denies the kid has it; she's very direct about that. It's just that she thinks it was caused by vaccinations or something. So no parent should ever have their kid vaccinated now according to her, because it's not like we're back in the days of polio or anything anymore. Now we don't know what sort of belief system that Jenny's bought into; but she's an actress, and lives in LA, so it's a safe bet that she didn't come up with this on her own.

so how big has Gisele's head gotten lately anyways?

So that brings us to the case of Gisele. If this is only some model at the end of her career trying to hang on to attention, then it will be the lesser evil. Worse case scenario is that she's mixed in with some crowd who filled her head with a lot of crap because there was nothing already inside to get in the way. If that's the case, then the real reason Gisele is hanging around out side @ 8 in the morning, and avoiding sun blocking chemicals, could be something as disturbing as this!

if you can't keep it in proportion, then put it in perspective!

It should be mentioned that staring directly at the sun is believed to cause eye damage. The link isn't really proven - like that between lung cancer and smoking - still it's better to be careful. If you must look at a blindingly bright object, then make sure you wear industrial grade sunglasses, or a welder's mask; and put on some damned sun screen! As for Gisele, try not to be too concerned, unless her next public statement is about chemtrails - and Gisele dear, try not to let you head get to big because that'll only make your boobs look smaller.