Salty Bear & Sugartits
I had planned to do something about Mel Gibson this morning, maybe referring to those rumours concerning his career. I had planned to write about his plans to resurrect his destroyed career by reuniting with Oksana for a Sonny & Cher type TV variety show. The show would feature Mel, along with Sugartits, and feature the same kind of friendly banter and teasing that S&C were known for, but with that edgy quality we've come to expect from M&O via their infamous recorded telephone conversations. You know the kind of stuff:Mel: "After being seen in public with you - I've got no fucking problem doing a movie with a sock puppet beaver!"
Oksana: "Don't be crazy darling, no one will ever watch you in a movie! That's the crazy talking, you need you meds!
Mel: "What?" WHAT!? I need to fucking kill you! You fucking cock sucking whore! But first you should get down on your fucking knees in front of this live studio audience - thanks for coming out today by the way. Oksana, I, and especially little Lucia, really appreciate the support. You should get down on your fucking knees and blow me!"
Oksana: "Could you please scream louder Mel? Our special guest the Kings of Leon can't hear you, plus this crummy tape recorder you bought me isn't picking up!"
Mel: "Crummy tape recorder? CRUMMY TAPE RECORDER?! Do you know how much the fucking piece of shit tape recorder cost? We've got perfectly good recorders right here in this studio! Kings of Leon? How'd you get them? They'll give us some real credibility!"
Oksana: "Well you know I am a musician, whether you want to believe it or not!"
Mel: "Don't push my buttons honey 'cause I'll knock you out right in front of this damn audience - thanks again for coming out - you know I will!"
M&O: "Good night everybody and watch our show again next week when our special guest will be Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger!"
Oksana: "I guess that means Joaquin Phoenix canceled."
Mel: "Shut the fuck up and say good night like you've got some class!"
Fool's Gold
Instead I thought I'd go with another story about another Hollywood A Lister on the verge of oblivion. That would be Angelina Jolie. The verge of oblivion would be this weeks Box Office Returns. Much touted Salt earned about 31 million dollars. That's not bad for an opening night. Except that Inception, that bizarre film by Chris Nolan starring Leo DiCaprio in another film without Kate Winslett (I assume that's why they had to write his character's wife as dead, and why he couldn't make it with Ariadne! Gotta preserve that whole Titanic love story thing forever - just give the guy some breathing space. Remember what Love Story did to poor old Ryan O Neal!), the one where no one can quite figure out WTF is going on, came in number one. It earned about 45 - 49 million. That's after a 30% drop in ticket sales from it's opening last week. In other words Jolie's box office performance stank worse than Tom Cruise's in Valkyrie. Relatively speaking, this is the equivalent of Megan Fox in Jennifer's Body!
In Hollywood, on the A List, No 2 really isn't good enough. Especially when you're a member of Hollywood Holy Family, routinely get front row center at the Oscars or whatever other awards show is going, and are surrounded by a maelstrom of hype that you'll eventually have to justify. Remember that Jolie hasn't had real BO success since her Tomb Raider days. Everything after that has been lackluster -except for her tabloid appearances!
So that means Jolie might need to look at Plan B. She could get pregnant yet again. That would be good for 9 months of speculation: Is it Brad's? Was it artificially conceived? Is it a ploy to keep Brad from going back to Jennifer Aniston? Where outside the USA is she gonna drop it or is she gonna give birth in New Orleans this time to make a political statement? Then she could make an enormous deal with People for the first baby pics. Say $20 million, her usual fee for baby pics and more than she's accustomed to getting for her film work! You know - more of the same.She could also do that script she's been offered. it's the one where she plays a serial killer who kidnaps a slutty high school cheer leader played by Megan Fox. After Stockholm Syndrome kicks in Megan decides that Angelina is her one chance at freedom from the stifling social restrains she lives with, and so becomes her apprentice. The pair then go on a Thelma & Louise rampage of seduction and destruction together, often competing to see who's vagina can cause more damage. The idea is a promising one too, except that I hear producers have soured on Jolie, and are offering the project to Meryl Streep,with Anne Hathaway as a runaway bride, rather than cheerleader. Jolie is no longer even second in line for that one, since producers are lining up Betty White in the event that Streep passes on the deal! That would leave Milla Jovovich next up after Hathaway!
Remember to keep reading wondertrash. Though we like to think we're the blog that can blow your mind, like an IED in your head; we're more like the National Enquirer meets Mad Magazine! When you're not reading celebrity gossip, remember to go out this summer and have a ball!
