Is Hollywood culling it's greatest asset - the Beautiful People?
Show some respect - that nut used to be Randy Quaid!
Randy Quaid used to be a respected Hollywood actor. That is up until about a year ago. That's when Randy and his wife Evi got busted for ripping off a California Hotel to the tune of 10 500. There were more charges in Texas. Some allegations of illegal squatting got made - the Quaids claimed that they were the real owners of the property, one they had sold years previously in what Randy claims was a fraud - and soon the Quaids were wanted criminals. Before the story was finished breaking Dog the Bounty Hunter, on the George Lopez Show, was swearing bloody justices on the hapless couples asses even as they were applying for political asylum in Vancouver, Canada.
The Quaids got busted outside a bank when Randy had tried to mortgage some property - hopefully something he hadn't been swindled out of previously. The bank ran his name through the computer and up comes the warrant that had been issued. Police were there before you could say "fuzz" and the Quaids were being lead off in handcuffs while requesting asylum and making some strange claims.
The strange claims are that the Quaids lives are in danger if they are returned to Hollywood. They are in danger because near the very top of Hollywood there is a small cabal of "Starwhackers". According to the demented mutterings of Evi Quaid star-whackers are a group in Hollywood who murder that town's leading lights, not as an offering to some pagan god or in some Illuminati blood sacrifice ritual; but in a cold blooded and calculated attempt to hype films through the publicity created when a star, like Heath Ledger, dies.
Now when word of the Quaids' novel conspiracy theory came to light it had casual observing asking "Is Quaid nuts, or is his wife the fruitcake and has she taken Randy's sanity hostage?" Well it turns out that the Crazy Quaids have a fairly well formulated theory to explain their bizarre behavior (but then again doesn't every certifiable lunatic?). Here, in his own words, are the gist of Randy Quaid's strange irrational fears:
"Up until a year ago Evi and I had never had any run-in with the law whatsoever," he said.
"We are not criminals nor are we fugitives from justice. Nor are we crazy. We are simply artists and filmmakers who are being racketeered on."
The brother of actor Dennis Quaid then broke down when he told a gathered media pack about how the criminal group had some of Hollywood's biggest names in its sights.
Actor Randy Quaid has fled to Canada, where he is seeking asylum.
"We believe there to be a malignant tumour of 'star-whackers' in Hollywood," he said.
"How many people do you know personally who have died suddenly and mysteriously in the last five years?
"I have personally known eight actors, all of whom I have worked with and was close to - Heath Ledger, Chris Penn, David Carradine among them.
"I believe these actors were whacked and I believe many others, such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Mel Gibson, are being played to get at their money."
PETA Quaid style - People for the Ethical Treatment of Actors
In other words organized crime in Hollywood is more organized than ever. Plus movie stars are an endangered species. These ideas aren't really new. Hollywood has been killing it's stars for years. Most people assumed that this was in the form of fame causalities like Marylin Munroe and James Dean, and was a by product or side effect of the process. It was the price of doing business. The problem may have been systemic - part of the way deals get done, talent gets exploited, and celebrities get thrown onto the tracks after they've outlived their usefulness. Nobody believed that it was a deliberate and conscious act.
However the Quaids have taken this idea to the next level - by taking it literally. So many people have wound up show business causalities in the past year or so alone; people like Corey Haim, Heath Ledger, Gary Coleman, and Michael Jackson - who's own family accused the accounts handling him of deciding that he was "worth more dead". So either this was gross negligence in the Hollywood community or it was some kind of deliberate plot to destroy over ambitious food service types. (It's best to get them while they're still small - today a waiter but tomorrow they're an A Lister smashing up hotel rooms and driving under the influence while aimed in your general direction.) Since star deaths were getting so consistent in the entertainment industry, deliberate malice almost makes sense.
If this was a social satire media stunt a la PETA then they might be onto something. AS satire it's promising. As an attempt to stay out of the USA, or as a literally belief - it promises to make things a lot more interesting. It might even have made a great story idea for a movie script. Although it must be said that "Attack of the Hollywood Star Whackers" sounds grindhouse. I guess the theories plausible if you can believe that life in Hollywood can imitate B Movies. Maybe they could revive that old script for "The Plot to Replace the Justice League". Lines like "If that's a robot then where is the real Wonder Woman?" could be adapted so easily to this kind of scenario.
Now many people will find the Quaids wild theories far fetched as they role their eyes and smirk at the talk of organized death squads of celebrity stalking star whackers roaming LA in search of their quarry - moderately attractive and some what personable ex waiters and waitresses who fluked into fame and fortune. Then again everything that goes on in Hollywood sounds a little implausible - from "Change your weight by changing your consciousness" to spinning class for pets. So while you're laughing up yourselves just stop and ask yourself whether this is the weirdest thing that ever came out of Hollywood. Besides conspiracy theories have been gaining mainstream credibility ever since Oliver Stone did JFK. Besides there are some even wilder theories out there - like those espoused by Gary Bell in The View From Space. Let's have a listen to Gary's Halloween edition!
If this was a social satire media stunt a la PETA then they might be onto something. AS satire it's promising. As an attempt to stay out of the USA, or as a literally belief - it promises to make things a lot more interesting. It might even have made a great story idea for a movie script. Although it must be said that "Attack of the Hollywood Star Whackers" sounds grindhouse. I guess the theories plausible if you can believe that life in Hollywood can imitate B Movies. Maybe they could revive that old script for "The Plot to Replace the Justice League". Lines like "If that's a robot then where is the real Wonder Woman?" could be adapted so easily to this kind of scenario.
Now many people will find the Quaids wild theories far fetched as they role their eyes and smirk at the talk of organized death squads of celebrity stalking star whackers roaming LA in search of their quarry - moderately attractive and some what personable ex waiters and waitresses who fluked into fame and fortune. Then again everything that goes on in Hollywood sounds a little implausible - from "Change your weight by changing your consciousness" to spinning class for pets. So while you're laughing up yourselves just stop and ask yourself whether this is the weirdest thing that ever came out of Hollywood. Besides conspiracy theories have been gaining mainstream credibility ever since Oliver Stone did JFK. Besides there are some even wilder theories out there - like those espoused by Gary Bell in The View From Space. Let's have a listen to Gary's Halloween edition!
There's more to Halloween than evil conspiracies. There's also dressing up in fetish wear and parading around at parties.
"I could totally do you in that handcuffed, ball gagged circus clown number!"
Good luck lonely naked single lady!
