Oksana Grigorieva makes nice

Oksanity!

Oksana Grigorieva was a troublesome woman who caused all sorts of unnecessary anguish. Then she met Mel Gibson! Not that her life began with Gibson. She'd been around, and for a while. She'd been some sort of musician, though people who know her laugh at the claim to anything serious. She'd gotten knocked up by Timothy "The Spy Who Shagged Me" Dalton. She had a kid by him, named Alexander, and that kept her in walking around money for a few years. It didn't do much for Dalton since his career went into a death spiral after getting his dose of Grigorieva. There are somethings that even James Bond can't survive. Still it might be unfair to give Oksie too mucgh credit. Dalton's career was also undermined by his habit of walking around hot Hollywood eateries with his fly down and no underwear on!

she's silly putty purty!

Anyhow Momma's Little Dividend kept Oksie livin' the lifestyles of the rich and famous Hollywood style for a few years. That was convenient since she wasn't getting any younger and had to pay for the up keep on her face, which was how she made her living. So that left her living it up, getting silly putty injected into her head, and sizing up her next victim! For awhile that looked like record producer David Foster. She was staying in his guest house and putting a lot of pressure on the poor man's marriage when some one better came along in the form of Mel Gibson. So she latched onto him, but not before trashing Foster's marriage.

the poor man's rich girl, or vice versa

Part of what ruined Foster's marriage was that Oksany was knocked up in the family way with a child that might or might not have been Super Dave's. That takes infidelity beyond the level of keeping some stray Russian tramp in the pool house (which would be much more fun if the Russian in question was Milla Jovovich, and not some down market blow jobber who looks like she pay off her lips on the installment plan). Mrs Foster need not have jumped the gun since Oksany was busy reconsidered her child's paternity! She decided that the father might actually be Mel, and not the guy she'd been slutting it up win the pool house with for awhile. That might sound revisionist, but Oksany is a big believer in convenience - her own if not any one else's.

from Russia with love & C.O.D.!

So that lead to the explosion of Mel's marriage. Illegitimate kids by Russian sluts will do that. Mel insisted that he left his wife because they lacked common spiritual ground - and finding common ground with Mello these days might require a tinfoil hat - but since she was the one who filed you can use your imaginations. That left poor Mel showing off his new *ahem* prize in public, and in a serious of embarrassing music videos. Maybe they were mucus videos - who knows.

love or a cold war

The relationship seemed happy, if embarrassing, for awhile. Yet the course of true love never runs smooth. That's to say nothing about whatever Mel and Oksany shared. So soon enough things took one of those strange turns that characterize Mel's life lately. Some how the love birds turned on each other. Mel made a lot of bad remarks about Oksany publicly - like she was a drunken smutty pig. Or he would have if he hadn't thought that might be an insult to drunken smutty pigs.

love is never having to speak up for the tape recorder

He said a lot of other stuff too, and didn't mind who felt insulted by that. We know because Oksany had taken to taping their heated phone conversations. Perhaps it was out of sentiment, and a desire to preserve the memory of what they had after Braveheart had moved on. You know how soft heart money grubbing whores can be. She wasn't shy about sharing Mel's special feelings with the world either - & the tapes found their way onto TMZ, or Radaronline, on one of these trash sites (heh heh). When you a woman who's well and truly loved then you just want the whole world to know about it and envy you, so who can blame her!

hand puppet theater - sock it to me!

Now that didn't do Mel's career any good, not that there was anything left of it to worry about; beside that sock puppet film he had cooked up with Jodie Foster (who may or may not be related to David Foster, depending on how paranoid you are about nepotism in Hollywood). Since Mel was kind of hanging on by a shred of a thread he kind of took it personally. So the gloves were off and the lawyers were in on the act. Tempers boiled and rhetoric became inflammatory, while onlookers feared that the situation might go OJ if participants didn't watch their step, or if Mello got too liquored up and had a bad day. He did make those rose garden comments!

things come fool circle

Just when it seemed that the shit would hit the fan things calmed down. Part of this was because Oksany had to take it instead of just dishing it. Mel got some friends in the Malibu Police Dept - he's still got a few - to look into extortion charges and possible deportation. Exile from the land of opportunity seemed to put the fear of God into her godless commie soul. Plus she'd become part of the story and the paparazzi were hounding her in public. She was easier to get to than Mel, but her shit backfiring on her wasn't anything she'd planned on, and seemed to take some of the fun out of it for her. Meanwhile Mel had gone back to his wife Robin, and that seemed to be a stabilizing influence on him. So the only thing left was for the dust to settle.

The Tabloid Narc

That seemed to have happened. Some time last week the Enquirer, unless it was the Examiner, The Globe, or some other shit mag, reported that Mel and Oksany had been spotted out in public together walking calmly and talking softly without any broken teeth or enraged screaming. Perhaps the absence of a tape recorder helped to keep thing on the level. Anyway the tabloid narc, who knew Mel in some capacity, said that he looked at him with a 'what the fuck' expression on his face. Mel just nodded and looked back, unless he looked back first and then nodded. There may or may not have been a wink involved.

Mel less psychotic than usual

So while anyone who was still interested was busy asking "what the fuck is going on with Gibson" it comes out that Oksany has just dropped her domestic assault charges. Those charges stemmed from the tape recording period. Oksany claimed that an enraged and psychotic Mel had fucked up her face while out of his mind. She mentioned that again and again during the recordings. Most figured that it was a life time of bad plastic surgery that left her worse for wear, but that was a matter for the courts to decide.Or it was before Oksany dropped the charges.

hit me baby one more time

Now Oksany had been all worked up what with being abused and all. Apparently getting smacked in the gov, allegedly, by Gibson was some great matter of principle that everyone was required to support her on by backing her to the hilt like she was Rihanna or something. Once she actually sat down and thought about it, though, she seemed to feel more like Tila Tequila, as in "Let's put the whole Merriman mess behind us so I can get on with my career". Oksany doesn't pout it so cynically. She spins it a little more sympathetically, which is what you do if you want people to support you, or at least not try and take your head off for continuing to waste their time.

round 2?

Oksany version, which she gave to E via her lawyer through a "source" claims that Mrs. G dropped her case because she wanted to be free to contact Gibson in relation to their daughter Lucia. So she's basically putting the well being of her daughter first, and wasn't using the charges as leverage in a low down and dirty custody battle. That means the man that she swore on a stack was a danger to life and limb is now free to once again be an active participant in the life of both her and her daughter. So this is the part where something in her story just doesn't add up, like "were you shitting us then, or are you shitting us now?" Maybe she was shitting us all along. Maybe, like Jodie Foster and the movie going public, she's decided that Mel ain't so bad, only a bit misunderstood stood. It's a lady's prerogative to change her mind, but honesty ain't required.

Wonder Woman sez - "Don't be a victim!"

Lunapic Photo Editing

Shit Happens - How John Edwards lost his chance & got into tabloid hell

Rielle Hunter was a troublesome tiresome bitch even back when she was called Lisa Druck. That description might be a bit harsh. Maybe she was an accident waiting for a place to happen. That's if you want to believe one of her oldest friends. The friend is Pigeon O Brien, and Pigeon is the one now taking credit for ratting Rielle and her presidential candidate boyfriend John Edwards out to the National Enquirer. So Pij has some explaining to do. Explain she has in a recent HuffPo piece, the gist of which is below.

Pij knew Rielle back when she was Lisa. That was in the 80's at a place called Nell's bar. According to Pij, Lisa was either always swaggering around hollering her head off, or frightening guys out of the bar and into taxis that sped away rapidly. No one really liked the obnoxious little twat, but she was interesting. There were lots of stories about promiscuity, other women's husbands, and strip poker. Besides many were a little too afraid of her to stand up.

Pij & Druck moved on and lost touch, the way friends will. Then one day O Brien meets her old friend again. It was 2004 @ a swanky NYC dinner party. Rielle shows up, but totally reinvented. She's got a head full of new ideas too, like Buddhism, MTV, motivational speakers as the new rock stars, and of course striking it rich! Pij was at loose ends (that's what you call it when some one is into web design & PR on a freelance basis), and Hunter had a lot of ideas to keep her old friend occupied. So they got together to do a website aimed at getting Hunter into the motivational speaking racket by way of MTV. Now this wasn't just a big idea but was backed up with a lot of hot air, as the pair spent hours a day jabbering with each other on the phone.

Since swinging their jaw bones was as close as they got to productive work, the website never really took off. O Brien and Hunter's relationship got a little strained. They'd occasionally lose radio contact. Then one day and out of the blue as it were, Hunter calls up and says that she's in love. She describes a guy from North Carolina. While Pij is busy thinking Jethro Beaudine (Those Yankees and their ethnic-regional stereotyping! It's the white middle class educated liberal's version of racism.), Hunter goes on to describe a golden god with rock star charisma. O Brien didn't put 2 + 2 together right away. Maybe she was expecting Robert Plant. When O Brien heard the words"John" and "North Carolina" on TV and looks up to see John Edwards on the screen with Hunter hovering near by, the jig is up.

"SHIT," I thought to myself, "we're in trouble now."

Now this is where the story gets interesting. Pij & Hunter had a sort of up and down relationship; as you might expect with at least one drama queen, and when bills for services rendered aren't getting promptly paid. Hunter had stopped teaching yoga to devote herself full time to the Golden Meal Ticket. Meanwhile she's constantly babbling on and on about love. Meanwhile Edwards was positioning himself for a run at the White House. Since his wife Elizabeth was a big part of his public image package, things were about to get really interesting.

standing out in a crowd and still spell check fixable!

It was about the same time as Hunter began producing a set of cheesy promo videos for Edwards that people began calling O Brien to inquire as to the nature of her friend's relationship with Edwards. O Brien says that the media tracked her down through her listing on Hunter's website. The fact that her name is Pigeon makes her stand out from the Jennys and Janes (now you know why celebs love to have outrageous names). Pigeon says that at first she was very tight lipped about the whole cheating on his dying wife with the crazy bitch from my old bar story. The reporters just wouldn't leave her alone though. Eventually the constant nagging got to her. She started asking herself whether this kind of behavior is acceptable in a public figure. She states in her article that it's no one's business who you sleep with, but issues of trust and betrayal are very important. I guess that's supposed to make what she did next come off as noble.

a raw nerve in a barrel of monkeys

According to O Brien some where along the line she got the idea that the public needed to know. Getting herself out of hot water wouldn't be so bad either. So she started phoning the numbers of some of those publications she said were eager to talk about Hunter (I think she mentioned about 2 before she got to the National Enquirer, though to hear her tell it the phone was off the hook and she was cracking from pressure. So the assumption is that she got a few calls from a couple of places that noticed who did the video and then checked out the website. Since Edwards was in the primaries they may have thought that it was worthwhile to call and ask a few general questions. They may not have had anything specific in mind, which is born out by the fact that when she got back in touch they didn't know what she was talking about when she mentioned "the affair". It's either that or she didn't get all of her facts straight for her big HuffPo article. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt ans assume she was a bit histrionic and overreacted.). Her first few ventures didn't come off - people who wanted to know didn't believe anything was going on. Finally she got around to The Pulitzer Prize Nominated National Enquirer. That's when she hit pay dirt!

The Candidate & the TV Psychic!

According to Pigeon the NE wasn't exactly sure who Edwards was at first. So she had to bring them up to speed, so they'd understand how the affair fit in. Once they got the general idea they didn't need much encouragement. A presidential candidate cheating on his dying wife with a TV psychic sounds like something just made for them. Only the additions of Bigfoot and a UFO could've made the tale complete! So they started sniffing around for whatever smelled like shit.

faux vox popoli

That's the point at which the cat crawled out of the bag. Edwards got Hunter under wraps - hiding her out in a series of rented mansions according to Pigeon. Meanwhile HuffPo, sensing that the shit was about to hit the fan something might be up, printed an article questioning why the Hunter produced promo vids had all of a sudden disappeared. That got them a lot of hate mail from outraged people pretending not to be associated with the Edwards campaign. It also nearly got the article's writer Sam Stein fired. However things had gone too far by that time. Within a week or two the NE published it's Edwards Cheating story.

This is the point at which anyone with any sense would've dropped out. Edwards plowed on. Pressure was put on the media to shut the fuck up ignore the stories. After all it was only unsubstantiated rumor based on the kind of circumstantial evidence that failed to convict OJ Simpson. John himself began throwing around cruel and hurtful phrases like "tabloid trash & lies" (celebrity types can be so unkind when they're on the defensive). His long suffering wife made off the record comments about the Enquirer as the UFO paper. Meanwhile Edwards' functionaries memo-ed the LA Times begging them to take the journalistic high road and not to go down market with the gossip shit rags. The shaming and bull shitting might have worked too, except Johnny Boy got caught spending a night with Hunter in a hotel. If you play around with fire long enough you're bound to get burned!

John Edwards - a frickin totally bitchin rock star from Mars!

So now the cheating story went into overdrive. Hunter's pregnancy got out too. Edwards tired to deny that at first. He claimed that he'd only been in that hotel late at night with an emotionally unstable woman because he desperately wanted to help her with her troubles. Besides the woman was clearly some sort of slut on the make so her kid could belong to anyone - Mel Gibson, 007, you name it. That kind of desperation is the sign that the chips are down.

John Edwards is like the last rat on a sinking ship

When the chips are down is when you find out who your friends really are. Some of Edwards friends, like Andrew and Cheri Young, decided to make their own deals. Young wrote a tell all about the man he backed to the hilt for years, called the Politician. Since he'd done a lot of work keeping the Hunter story under wraps, his damage control experience must've made him credible. Of course Pigeon went to the National Enquirer to get the dung ball rolling. Who knows what possessed her, beyond her self professed Jimmy Stewart style commitment to American Democracy (note to readers, never watch Mr Smith Goes to Washington while you're on acid, 'cause it will mind fuck your brains down into your socks! "My God - I've got to go out and get into trouble by doing the right thing so that the cavalry can rescue me!"). Readers will get the impression that flighty and self involved Hunter could be a tough act to take, and if you had to deal with her long enough you want to see her get what was coming to her too. Of course if Edwards had any real friends, or even trustworthy handlers, they'd have recognized what Hunter was before she ever got through the door, and run interference.

the upshot on this shit -"let's be careful out there"

So I guess the upshot is that we live in a global village or something now. That's like living in a semi detached housing complex - think Melrose Place. So it's an environment where news is increasingly gossip; and that kind of bad news can do you in (as John Galliano has found out the hard way - suppose France wants Jack's Legion of Honor back?). So don't piss anyone off, or you'll get their goat - and they might even get yours, as Rosesanne Barr's Hawaiian neighbors recently and allegedly pointed out. Now go out there and behave yourselves!

Angry Samson

by Robert Graves
(1895-1985)

---

Are they blind, the lords of Gaza
In their strong towers,
Who declare Samson pillow-smothered
And stripped of his powers?

O stolid Philistines,
Stare now in amaze
At my foxes running in your cornfields
With their tails ablaze,

At swung jaw-bone, at bees swarming
In the stark lion's hide,
At these, the gates of well-walled Gaza
A-clank to my stride.

This Kiss

Is that my husband, Baby?

Is Gwyneth Paltrow getting carried away with her recent role as a country music queen? The role has given her a notable acting job outside the Ironman franchise. It has also gotten her beyond the world of GOOP and intro performing her own onscreen vocals. It also got her playing Tim McGraw's wife onscreen!

Now Tim has a wife that you might have heard of. She's called Faith Hill. The second last time you heard of her was when she dropped the F Bomb at the CMA's just after Carrie Underwood got the prize in stead of her. The last time you heard about her was when she defended her man's manhood against an excited fan who jumped up on stage to give McGraw's goodies a grope - air port pat down style! Faith entered into the fray and began chiding the woman by telling her the stuff her mom should've taught her; like gropin' up married men's goodies is really low class and unlady like!



Now the bag grab was probably just good fun on the part of a random fan that Tim will never see again. So you have to forgive Faith for over reacting. Those country music diva's can be high strung. Besides, we live and learn (as Alanis Morissette reminds us). Faith has calmed down alot since the events of 2 or 3 years ago too. In fact she's racked up an impressive maturity level in a short time since she isn't bothered by Tim's close working proximity to Ms. Country Strong.

Not that Faith would have any cause to worry. Gwynnie's got a man. He's Coldplay frontman Chris Martin. Although the two haven't seen much of each other in some time. That's technically not true. In fact the couple haven't been seen together in public for some time. It was so bad five years back that Paltrow felt the need to explain in a statement that got picked up by the National Enquirer. When asked point blank why she and her man were never seen together in the same place at the same time she said that it was for the children. The pair are frequent flyer jet setters and this way if anything happen to one of them in transit, the kids would still have another celebrity parent to fall back.

It's a sensible precaution who's only real flaw is that in the event of something happening the kids will be raised either a rock star or a movie star. Now it might be hoped that the two cancel out, as when picking the kids' religion in a mixed marriage - and the kids' might have a real shot of ending up halfway normal instead of winding up in rehab! It was also a relief to those fearing Gwynnie would come up with some kind of Victor/Victoria type explanation! Anyway it's safe to say that the Paltrow Martin marriage is strained under the pressure of Chris not being Brad Pitt.

That leaves Gwynnie as an attention seeking actress at loose ends and with a history of doing musicians. That would drive most women nuts. Which is what makes Faith's conspicuous maturity so impressive. I say that Hill's maturity is conspicous because Paltrow and McGraw have been kind of conspicuous. That's to be expected since they have their flick coming out, and being conspicuous goes with that territory. McGraw and Paltrow have been at a whole slew of events and promotionals for the movie. How can you possibly not be conspicuous in a situation like that? It would be so futile that Paltrow and McGraw have even given up the attempt.

Maybe that's why the cozy co stars got caught nuzzling up. That happened when Gwyn got her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It was a great opportunity to promote the film. So inconspicuous was out of the question anyway. That being the case GP & TMcG seemed to say to them selves "What the hey" and went for it - puckering up and kissing each other full on the lips! Some eyewitnesses even say that "They hugged and kissed right on the mouth and were very touchy feely. At one point they were kneeling down in front of Paltrow's star and Tim grabbed her around the waist!"



Now that might sound like a scene from some cornball romance novel, but it had to be an emotional moment in the life of a celebrity and McGraw might've been over come with emotion. Maybe Paltrow was overcome - excitement and an eating disorder can be a hard combo - and Tim was steadying her. Then again maybe they were rehearsing for a play. Besides there's more!

Eyewitnesses go on to report that "They also had their arms around each other while posing for pictures. It's obvious that they care deeply for one another." Now while the facts may bear that interpretation, this also supports the 'overcome with emotion' theory. Gwynnie was clearly in a swoon again and Tim had to hold her up. Paltrow merely held on for support! If some of the recipes she posted in GOOP are any indication the poor gal must be near faint from hunger most of the time, and need as much holding up and support as she can get!

You must know right off that these kind of stories are the sort of rumors carried by supermarket tabloids, internet blogs, and other unreliable sources! If there was anything to it Faith would've gone bonkers, cause this happened right in front of her (Hill was attending the event). You know what a diva she can be when she doesn't know she's on camera and let's the down to earth country gal act slip. However Hill was as cool as a cucumber when the lippy lippy went down.



The general consensus of eyewitness - that is those of the attendees who were looking at Faith at the back of the room instead of front at Paltrow and McGraw - describe her as "not looking happy". In fact one says that She looked "kind of glum when Tim kissed Gwyneth on the lips." Glumness is an understandable reaction since the same bystander says that "The kiss didn't last long - but it sure looked like more than a friends. It wasn't what you call a little friendly peck on the cheek."



So you can tell right there that there's nothing to it. If there was that kind of provocation would've sent Hill into a frenzy the tape of which might have crashed Youtube! As it was she just looked sour and unpleasant, which might be Hill's emotional set point. Just like a screen saver on a dormant computer! So you can get any ideas of some kind of John Mayer Jennifer Aniston style musician hooks up with movie star thing out of your heads right now. At least I won't believe it until I hear the environmental reports warning of recent volcanic eruptions from Mount Faith!

Erin Barry Denies Parker Affair by Dignifying Rumours With Answer

Erin Barry is, allegedly, the other woman in Eva Longoria's now defunct marriage to Tony Parker. I say allegedly because for one thing it still has to be determined in court. For another it's not a unanimous opinion. There are a few significant people who disagree - like Erin Barry herself. She recently took to the Internet to defend herself against these rumours in a lengthy blog posting. Here's what Ms. Barry had to say:

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Greetings all,

It has been brought to my attention that people who do not know me think that I have had an affair with Tony Parker. I have received hundreds of emails and phone calls from supportive friends who do know me and know that what is being insinuated about me is a complete lie. I am so busy with my children and law school studies that to take even a few moments out of my day to address this ludicrous issue is an annoyance. I only take the time to explain myself because apparently my silence, as a result of my indifference, has been construed as an admission of guilt. These are my words and this is the last you will hear from me on this subject because I have more important things to do.

I DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH TONY PARKER, nor did I “pursue” Tony Parker. Unfortunately, because our divorces are occurring at the same time, great speculation has been cast on our friendship. My friendship with Tony Parker had nothing to do with the end of my marriage (which is painful enough without this added drama), and to assume that we had an affair is naïve, ridiculous, and completely misguided.

Every day I dedicate myself to being a good person and the best Mom that I can possibly be for my two beautiful children. I pride myself on being a Mom first, an advocate for abused children second, and a law student third. Those are the things that are of the utmost importance to me. I have spent my adult life fighting for children who have been victimized so forgive me for not caring when someone tells me that my name is being dragged through the mud.

Salacious rumors are not what keep me awake at night. What keeps me awake is wondering how the 5-year-old who was taken away from her abusive family is sleeping during her first night in a children’s shelter. I worry about friends fighting overseas and whether or not they will return home to their families. I worry about the health of my children, my family, and my friends. I worry about soccer uniforms, carpool, immunizations, baseball practice, paying the bills on time, grocery shopping, the kid’s homework, and so many other things that may seem menial to some people; but to me are everything. Right now I worry about my law school finals… being a first year law student is much scarier than dealing with gossip!

Happy Thanksgiving. My family and I want thank our troops and their families for their sacrifices that enable us to enjoy our freedoms this holiday season.

Thank you for taking the time to visit my website. While you are here I would encourage you to get involved with (or donate to) the children’s organizations that fight child abuse and neglect in San Antonio or your part of the world.

God bless you and your family,

Erin Marie Barry

Ms. Barry might have defended herself earlier, but according to her she thought that the story was a load of crap that no intelligent person would take seriously. After all she has a busy fufilling life loking after her kids, studying law, and divorcing her husband. She just naturally assumed that every one else in America was as busy and fufilled with their lives as she is. That is until she started receiving messages of support from family, friends, acquaintances, members of the general public, and everyone else who doesn't care for the way Ms. Longoria flounces around like her shit don't stink.

Well if everyone was busy and fulfilled then there would be absolutely no market for tabloid gossip. As anyone who has passed by a supermarket check out can attest there is a massive and growing demand for shit on the rich and famous. Even the vaguely famous like Ms. Barry (or Bristol Palin). So Ms. Barry became news. So before she became some kind of hero or something she apparently felt the need to set the record straight with her blog post. It's nice to know that even highly effective people such as Ms. Barry find the need to blog online. It adds some well needed credibility to the blogosphere. It's also good to know that salacious rumors are not what keeps this Mom For America awake at night (nor Tony Parker either if we can take her at her word). They are merely what has driven her to online blogging. So you heard the lady - "I didn't do it! It was like that when I got here!"

Erin Barry is spicy, Google search spicy!

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are in the middle of an on again off again divorce. That's a kind of sarcastic way of putting it so let's just say that they've had an eventful week. At the week's start there was a rumour going around that the power couple were decoupling in the form of a high powered celebrity divorce. After that tidbit had been circulating through the grape vine for 24 hours or do Eva people released an official statement that the rumours were bullshit. She and Tony were happier than ever and nobody had no plans about going no where. That brings us up to mid week. Now, with the week running out, it seems like there's some confirmation on the Longoria-Parker bust up rumours.

The confirmation comes in the form of a young woman named Erin Barry. She's the wife of a former Spurs teammate of Parker's - Brent Barry. Apart from a Spurs connection the pair have something else in common too - text messages. There are 100's of 'em if the scuttlebutt is to be believed. They came to light in the worst possible Tiger Woods type way too. Eva found 'em. With that Eva went out and filed for divorce. Eva has denied filing for divorce, but such reliable sources as Sports Illustrated are going with the story - unofficially anyway!

Sports Illustrated Bryan Armen Graham tweeted, “Have it on good authority from entertainment sources that “former teammate” in Tony Parker-Eva Longoria affair is Brent Barry… Don’t have much else on Parker/Longoria affair. Source did mention Barry and wife are going through a divorce.” Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush revealed to his Twitter followers, “We spoke to Erin Barry…Brent Barry’s wife from San Antonio Spurs…she cried and said “No comment”.

This was a particularly stupid thing for Parker to do. For one thing he and Longoria married without benefit of a pre nup. Thatw as a major bone of contention between Eva and her future former mother in law back when she and the Spurs point guard got hitched in Paris a few years back. Tony's mom thought that a prenup was a must have form of marriage insurance. Her rational: Tony made way more money than Eva. Plus he had better long term prospects. Eva was a TV actress who's career was uncertain from one TV season to the next, whereas Tony was a world class athlete who could look forward to maybe 10 years in the game. That gave him a earning potential of several dozen times Eva's.

Eva had a counter argument - they were gonna last forever. For one thing she's Eva Longoria. So no man could ever possibly leave her. Besides this was her very special day and she didn't want Tony's mom fucking up the festivities with her divorce talk. That's such a downer. So Eva laid down the law in the form of an ultimatum - "You can come to the wedding, but you gotta cut out the prenup talk!" Tony's mom tried another appeal to reason. Guess who won out?

So that has left our lovebirds working without an net. That's fine and well, as long as you don't trip up. With Eva's career in a terminal down turn, this could be a great time for her to cash in on this divorce thing. You can't say that the cunning little minx doesn't know what she's doing. As for Tony - you should'a listened to your mom! Still it could be worse. Gloria Allred could be horning her way into the act!

Read more: Erin Barry, the lady behind divorce of Eva Longoria and Tony Parker | JackTimes.com

what's on in the box?

This has got to be kind of embarrassing. Especially when you're Eva Longoria and have a certain reputation for sexiness to live up to. It might help to put things into some kind of perspective - like such as it could have been worse. "How could it have been any worse than it is?" you might well ask. I might well ask that myself and I'm an entertainment blogger! Just look at it his way - at least you're not Contessa Brewer!

"I'm a valedictorian - get me out of here!"

Slimey Hidey Hole

"What the hell is going on there?" you might well ask. It would be another excellent question. What's going on there is Contessa's coverage of the fall of Saddam Hussein. During the fun and frivolity of Bagdad's fall Saddam's hidey hole got discovered by some intrepid journalists. So what with things being as they were some one got the bright idea of getting Brewer to give ti a try. Getting locked in a box rife with a madman's funky scent just had to be the reason she became a journo in the 1st place (that would explain her time with Don Imus). I can just imagine some mischievous crew man saying out of microphone range "Hey Contessa, he must've whacked off plenty while he was in there!" Not like there was much else to do.

let me slip into something uncomfortable

Now the rationale behind that little stunt is obvious. Contessa is one hot babe with a reputation for heart stopping sexiness second only to Eva Longoria's. So some one probably got the bright idea that the whole story would be far more titillating if Contessa slipped into something more red, and then climbed into the stink box, damsel in distress style. To give Brewer credit she does seem unenthusiastic about the whole deal.

I can only give Ms Brewer the very same advice and consolation that I would to Eva herself - half assed platitudes! It could be worse. Besides Lynda Carter did that stuff all the time back on Wonder Woman. Of course when she got locked in boxes she was usually also bound and gagged. Kudos to Brewer for refusing to take it that far! Then again she was already in Al Capone's vault territory - so the stunt couldn't stand going any farther!

So that about clues everything up except for the outstanding question"What possessed Tony Parker to cheat?" He's got a hot wife and no prenup so if he found himself tempted the right answer should have been obvious - practice gun retention. "Brother get the rocket back in your pocket!" As usual cartoons have a certain insight to share on the human condition, and in this case Tony's motivation may have been something like this:



So remember to keep on trucking but give the old giggity giggity a rest long enough to come up for air, and to check in on Wondertrash!

"The Real Diary: Lessons from the Good Time Girl to Champion."

Loredana Jolie is one of countless women that Tiger Woods has had bland, sleazy sex with. She also one of many to cash in on that. Not only in terms of sub sandwiches and hours spent in swanky PGA hotels. Loredana is writing a book. She got some interesting things to say, too.

For instance Tiger Woods is a big shot both figuratively and literally. Says Ms Jolie - "As a love and sexual partner he is largely endowed and safe sex with him was definitely champion status.When I was having my relationship with Tiger. I was like on the seventh cloud especially from a sexual perspective. There is at least no doubt about the fact that Tiger was awesome in bed." She also hints that Woods has a dark side. She claims that Woods got off on threesome fantasies. Says Loredana - "He liked to watch girl-on-girl, and the girls would occasionally join us. I would make him fantasize," writes the 27-year-old Bronx-born escort. "I would ask him what if I had another guy here with me while he was there with me. It kind of turned him on a little."

Woods' dark side extended well beyond mild kink. According to Loredana Woods' was addicted to pills. Apparently he had a sleep disorder that kept him up most nights. That lead to reliance on medications such as Ambien - believed to have contributed to Woods's ex mad ways. "Tiger was kind of addicted to pills, I saw him taking sleeping pills and painkillers. He had a severe sleeping disorder and he could not sleep at night," she says.

Perhaps her most interesting comments related to the Tiger Woods marriage. For instance she knows exactly why the marriage collapsed. Now it's not the most obvious reasons, like Tiger's promiscuity or even her own intrusion. The reason is because Elin Nordgren was an icy bitch who was more interested in running around spending Tiger's money that in keeping her champion husband serviced. Says Loredana - "Obviously they didn't have such a close relationship because if I was in his house where the hell was she?" she rants. "If I had my husband, I would make sure I know [who] was coming to my house. At that point I started realizing it was more a less [sic] financial reasons why they were married -- she was in it for the money."

Naturally Loredana has a book coming out. It's called "The Real Diary: Lessons from the Good Time Girl to Champion." It also recounts some o her good times with high rollers like Michael Jordan and Bruce Willis . She also makes more bizarre claims, such as "My diary also reveals intimate secrets and details that can save millions [of] people worldwide. I have slept with some of the wealthiest and most powerful people on the planet." So if you want to read more about her adventures with Tiger Woods, and other super heroes, then be sure to look for that books.

BTW for those following the bizarre story of Oscar nominated actor Randy Quaid and his allegedly crazy wife, Wondertrash readers will be relieved to hear that the couple have been apprehended. The Quaids began their life of crime by running afoul of the law in an odd way. The pair began ripping off B&B's throughout America. They left 10 000's in debt behind them.



The pair eventually made their way out of the country and into Vancouver Canada, where they were arrested outside a city bank. Quaid had gone in to raise some funds by mortgaging a property. Living on the lam ain't cheap, even when you don't pay your bills. When the bank ran his name through their computer up came a notice that he had an outstanding warrant in the USA. So the police were notified and both Quaid and his wife were arrested as the left the bank.



The Quaid saga might be pretty strange, and might even get stranger yet, but it's not the strangest thing going on out there. For some really out of this world news here's the latest broadcast by Gary Bell & The View From Space!

Jesse James and Kat Von D Split?

Remember when Jesse James went with Kat Von D? That was after he humiliated his ex wife - America's Sweetheart and Oscar Winner Sandra Bullock. Jesse cheated on Sandy with a bevy of tattooed white power sex fetish chicks. Naturally people were disgusted and wanted Bullock to dump James ass, and the rest of him, asap. They didn't have to wait long to get their wish.

So when Kat Von D announced her hook up with rebounding James people were ambivalent. ON the one hand they thought that the gruesome twosome were a perfect match. KVD is heavily tattooed. She has also had a brush with white power. During her reality TV days she sent her Jewish boss a hate filled racially charged e mail, which she later denied sending, and even later admitted to bu claimed that she didn't mean it. The back story on that is KVD was working for a guy called Ami James on Miami Ink. James is off the Jewish persuasion - although it's not clear who persuaded him. He and Kat had a falling out, so Kat left to do her own think. however she left James a little something to remember her by:



That's Kat - thinking with her heart instead of using her head. Anyway the combination of racism and body art, not to mention the general sleaze factor, seemed to make her the Jesse James dream girl. They did seem to have so much in common what with being fringe culture border line personality types.

On the other hand they didn't think that it was appropriate for James to be bouncing back into the arms of love, or whatever, so soon. He seemed to have skipped the whole penance period. It's not that anyone considered Kat Von D to be any great prize, except for those who never out grew their heavy metal stage. It's just that people objected to JJ being happy so soon after making everyone else so uncomfortable and Sandy Bullock so unhappy. After all he basically ruined her Oscar night!

Well never fear. Things seemed to have worked out - if not for the best then at least 'worked out". KVD seems to have moved on from JJ. She's recently been spotted out and about with other fringe types with borderline personalities (Not Mel Gibson - recent bad experiences have left him gun shy). That doesn't mean that she and JJ are dunzo. Kat gets around and there's plenty to go around. However it doesn't look good for the love birds. Now that the publicity factor has worn off there's not a lot that JJ can do for KVD. He's a failed reality TV star and presently fading too fast to even be worthwhile tabloid fodder. So KVD has every reason to move on. If it can happen to Dave & Courtney it can happen to anyone (Arquette might have been more interesting if he'd cheated with tattooed neo nazi porn stars then revealing that Cox just got tired of being his mom - the mom fetish might have been fun in Mrs. Robinson with Anne Bancroft and Dustin Hoffman, but in real life it's a creepy drag!). Anyone except Demi & AShton - they're in love and they don't care who knows it!



So that should provide closure for almost everyone. Everyone except those anticipating an eventually JJ - KVD reality TV show, and poor Sandra Bullock. However even she might be getting a second shot at love. If the rumours are true Sandy is considering hooking up with the one person with whom she shares so much in common: public image, career trajectory, and unfortunate love life - none other than Jennifer Aniston! Naw, that last part ain't true - but imagine if it were!

Courteney Cox and David Arquette Split

David Arquette & Courtney Cox have had a good run. They met on the set of Scream and have been married for 11 years. However you can't fight the law of averages, even in, or especially in, Hollywood. Representatives of the couple have ann0unced that they were officially separated. In fact they have been living apart for a few months now.

"We have agreed to a trial separation that dates back for some time," the duo said in a statement. "The reason for this separation is to better understand ourselves and the qualities we need in a partner and for our marriage. We remain best friends and responsible parents to our daughter and we still love each other deeply. As we go though this process we are determined to use kindness and understanding to get through this together."

"We are comfortable with the boundaries that we have established for each other during this separation and we hope that our friends, family, fans and the media also show us respect, dignity, understanding and love at this time as well."

Cox & Arquette have weathered the usual celebrity relationship crises of counseling, addiction, speculation, and and the fishbowl life style. They seemed to be staying the course and settling into a relatively stable long term partnership. Now news is breaking that Arquette has been cheating and that's what busting things wide open.

Rumour has it, and by rumour I mean that there are pictures - that Arquette has gotten cozy with a hot new chick. She's cocktail waitress Jasmine Waltz, and here are those incriminating photos by way of TMZ!

There now, wasn't that special? It ain't anything that Demi Moore hasn't - probably - turned a blind eye to on numerous occasions. Then again Demi hasn't had her nose rubbed in it tabloid style. That's adds a whole new dimension to disgrace; as Brett Farve could attest to! (BTW the latest on Demi, Ashton, and their beautiful relationship is that they are planning on adopting a baby to prove that there's no truth to the cheating rumours and that they are happier and stronger together than ever! It's not so much a fix it baby as a prove it baby, and so is another prospective celebrity entering Utopia with an inauspicious start.)

In fact numerous gossip blind items have had both Cox and Arquette in an open marriage, with Cox freely bedding her Cougar Town co stars. According to the blinds Arquette knew and was okay with it, since he was getting around himself. It was one of those "If you don't care I don't care" arrangements that have kept European marriages intact for centuries. It was all very sophisticated, until the story leaked. Then thing changed cause the cover on the phony act got blown. Now that "understanding" is an embarrassment to both stars, but especially to aging Courtney.

"We're not having sex, and I completely understand," Arquette, 39, said. "She's in a place of wanting to be real and emotional. She's an emotional being. She's an amazing woman. If it doesn't feel right, she doesn't feel like bonding in that way."

Now this story is still developing. Arquette, the cheater, is also the one most willing to reconcile. He phoned in Howard Stern's Sirius satellite radio show to try and set the record straight by spinning it to his tune. According to Arquette's version Cox stopped having sex with him while they were shooting Scream 4. The separation was also her idea. She came up with that on their 11th wedding anniversary. Her rationale was that she was tired of being Arquette's "mother".

Arquette is also eager to reconcile. He told Stern that Cox was the most amazing person that's he's ever met. He insists also that he did not cheat on Cox, except 'technically' with Waltz. It's the old 'sure we were married but we were also separated, so it doesn't count' loophole. He tales some responsibility for the bust himself - sort off. He acknowledges Cox complaints about his immaturity with "I totally get that!". He also acknowledges that the separation will give him the time he needs at 46 to mature and grow up.

What is clear is that he wants Cox to stick around. Not because he's so hot for her. They haven't done the deed in over 4 months by his own Howard Stern admission. Basically he needs her because she's his only claim to a public profile. Most people who know of Arquette -that is those who do know about him - know him as "the guy that chick from Friends married, you know the comedian". Now Courtney barely has a public image; what she has is 'old times sake' nostalgia. All that Arquette has is that reflected glory. So if they split he's less than nowhere and possibly less than Jesse James - who was at least interesting in his own right. So this relationship is worth fighting for, more so in these economic times. That leaves the rest of us asking how interesting these 2 otherwise uninteresting people might get. Damn it - I hope that this isn't a build up to a reality TV series!

The Happy Homewrecker - Still Unforgiven, Still Unrepentant

LeAnn Rimes addresses the cheating issue

LeAnn Rimes has been stigmatized ever since she cheated on her own husband with another woman's husband. Now LR has come forward to address that issue. She's not apologizing mind you, but she can explain.

According to LeAnn both she and her then husband were quite young at the time. The calendar backs them up on this. However she then goes on to imply that though they both grew, they grew apart. This kind of leaves it to be inferred that hubs didn't quite catch up with Rimes own growth spurt. So she pulled an Amy Grant.

BTW LeAnn also goes onto say that growing up as America's Sweetheart placed some unfair expectations on her - like decency. Rimes makes it sound as if she were suffocating in some Mary Tyler Moore type straitjacket that was stifling her inner Sue Ann Nivens/Happy Homewrecker.

Here's the Happy Homewrecker in her own words from CNN. BTW her own words don't include the one people want to hear - "sorry".





Strong words from the panelists; lukewarm from LeAnn. I like the chick who claims that there's a special place in hell for chicks who steal other chicks men. If that's true then LeAnn chestnuts must be roasting already! Also if that's true LeAnn will have plenty of celebrity company in the dark hot place, like Angelina Jolie, and most notably Julia Roberts. For some reason these ladies have gotten a pass, or at least a get out of jail free card, on their cheating ways. Poor Jennifer Aniston has never ever been the same since Jolie stomped the wheels off of her little red wagon. Jolie might have gotten a pass on that cause crazy & dangerous is part of her image, ie girl most likely to kill and eat you after mating (she's even starting to physically resemble a praying mantis).

As for Roberts, she's retained her America's Sweetheart crown until recently. She only lost it then because of an outpouring of sympathy & support for Sandy Bullock. When people heard what Jesse James had been doing behind her back, and with other women, they felt that Sandy needed a promotion from Miss Congeniality to full grade Sweetheart level. As they say on Strangers With Candy, pity is worth more than all the whiskey in a drunkard's dreams, plus no one can ever take it away from you!

However Roberts loss of sweetheart status was more do to a relative change in Bullock's, and not any kind of anti Roberts sentiment. This is odd given Roberts own relationship with her husband Danny Moder. Apparently there was some kind of marriage bust up involved in that. What's worse Roberts has tormented Moder's family with her constant bullying and demands. At one point she had the entire clan enrolled in therapy so that they could learn to be more sensitive to her needs. Why be a more reasonable person yourself when you can get the other person to give in to you by convincing them that it's the reasonable thing to do? Worse still Moder's mother had a fatal heart attack at about the time Julia horned in on the scene. Moder's sister is convinced that the heart attack was Julia Roberts related, and still won't talk to her famous sister in law.

Now LeAnn hasn't caused any deaths - that we know of - yet she continues to dangle on the hook. Looks like people are determined to give her a hard time over this. Maybe she deserves a hard time - I dunno. However worse people are getting off easier.

Ashton Kucther cheating rumours

independent pretense

Back when Demi Moore married Ashton Kutcher many people asked themselves "How long can it last?" She is many years older than he is. Now that Demi is many years older than she was when she met Ashton, the cheating rumours are finally starting. Here what recently got posted on Jezebel:

Back in July, Ashton was at the Italian restaurant Madeo in LA with friends and “a bevy of women who looked like fashion models.” He “snuck off” with one “stunner” to a dark, secluded, hallway bathroom.

An eyewitness says: “Ashton had this gorgeous girl pinned against the wall and he was totally making out with her.” He had his baseball cap turned around “for easier access to the thin and leggy girl’s lips.”

The source says: “His hands were on her hips and she was pushing up against the mirrored wall so she couldn’t move, and he was grinding on her. He heard me walk by, and tried to bury his face in her neck so I wouldn’t recognize him. But I could see him clearly, because he was reflected in the mirror. I also saw him earlier at the bar. I know what he was wearing. So there’s no mistaking that it was Ashton Kutcher.”

So we have Ashton and some model types caught in an act of hanky panky by the usual unnamed sources! Naturally Ashton and Demi were quick to respond to this by their usual medium of choice - Twitter (perhaps they've discovered that Twitter is an easier means of getting attention that making movies?):




So the situation has gone from serious to libelous. How could things reach this point? Well things were fine and dandy while Bruce Willis was the 3rd Musketeer. Back then his presence as a 3rd wheel in the relationship had more tongues wagging then the Demi Ashton age difference.Though Ashton claimed he could teach a course on getting along with the ex Willis revealed that he had made a conscious effort to get along with everyone. For one thing he liked seeing his kids. For another he still had a thing for his ex.

Though the triangle is usually the most dangerous relationship shape, this time it provided stability. Demi was free to take it easy with Ashton, knowing that if worst came to worst it wasn't that bad - she still had Bruce waiting in the wings. In addition to the ego stroking this must've given her it must also have given her an upper hand in the realtionship. Now, in addition to being older, more successful, and more experienced than Ashton, she also didn't even really need him emotionally.

This situation came to and end when Bruce got remarried to a chick he'd met while doing Perfect Stranger (PS was Bruce's vehicle for wife hunting. For the female supporting role he had casting directors shop around modeling agencies for him. The agencies sent in the head shots and if he saw anyone he liked he'd invite them around for an audition which he sat in on.). That left Demi as a 45+ actress married to a 30 something and with no prospects at all if he ever left. Eventually there were bound to be rumours.

Assuming that the rumours are true - we can't be exactly sure why the apple cart got upset now. Maybe Ashton started feeling his oats. He's a relatively young, bright, successful actor who's established an independent career for himself. So maybe now was the time for him to begin acting more confidently.

Then again maybe it was Demi who changed. Now that Ashton was all she had, she might have started clinging on with a vengeance. You know how attractive that can be! For some strange reason a desperate clingy woman will drive guys away at supersonic speed. So perhaps as reality set in, Moore got a little freaked by it, and started turning the screws on the vice she was tightening! Many chicks will try that, even though it usually has the opposite effect to what was intended.

Anyway the upshot is that I'm inclined to think that there may be something to it this time. There some interesting circumstantial evidence, in addition to all those unnamed sources that the tabs keep referring to. Even if it is true, Ashton and Demi may get through this. Even if they don't they've had a good ten year run together, and that's more than most celebrity love affairs ever get! Here's looking at you, kids!

Mel Gibson more mama drama

Mel in the Family

If they still had those classic boozy celebrity roasts rife with crude humour and clumsy sarcasm, like the kind Dean Martin used to specialize in back in the early 70's; then Mel Gibson would've been the superstar most likely to have been roasted, up to the past few years. He was a superstar of almost Rat Pack proportions. Nowadays he's the celebrity most likely to get slow roasted over hot coals. Some of that has to do with his ex girlfriend/baby momma Oksana Grigorieva; and a lot of it has to do with the awful stuff Mel was caught saying on tapes that Grigorieva illegally made.

Hey Mel, Jesse James would like to thank you for getting the heat off of him!

Back in the days when Mel was still enjoying his booze fueled fling with the Plastic Russian, they'd fight all the time. Stuff that would make Britney & KFed look like Sunday school kids. Oksana often like to record these fiery exchanges; perhaps for sentimental value, or maybe it has some thing to do with her being Russian (you know how they were for secret recordings, especially back in the old days). Anyway a lot of stuff got said and recorded, usually while Mel was drunk of his head. Stuff like Oksana's "a pig in heat who should be raped by a pack of niggers".

stupid like a fox

Naturally the tapes were source of concern for Mel (He was concerned that the tapes existed, not that he'd actually said the stuff - big difference. Mel might make movies about Jesus Christ but he "ain't stupid, if you know what I mean" Savvy men of the world are always more sorry about getting caught than about what they've done.). Similar comments made by Sandra Bernhard about then vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin effectively ended the mediocre comedienne's successful career (without in any way impacting on Sarah Palin's momentum). So Mel went to court and had the tapes banned.



Well some how the tape got leaked to the media sources - radaronline and TMZ. That's how we know about he 'pig in heat' comments. Reps of both outlets listened to the tapes in their entirety. Though they wouldn't publish them, fearing their own legal liability in posting tapes that had been banned by the court; reps of the agencies did vouch did vouch for the content, with plenty of quotable quotes.

TMZ would like to ask if you've stopped beating your girlfriend yet?

The latest bombshell, which might be the one that decisively sinks Mr. Heartthrob's battle ship, was one recently referred to by the usual Internet sources. The bombshell is an admission by Mel, on tape, that he beat Grigorieva. On the tape a teary Grigorieva is asking Mel how he can strike a woman holding a child twice in the face. Mel responds "you fucking deserved it!" It seems to be the 'you fucking deserved it' comment that has many of Mel's former female fans ready to break out the razor blades on iodine on his sorry hide.

Braveheart - from heart breaker to face breaker

It get's worse. This argument was the one during which Oksana supposedly got her front teeth knocked out. Mel's people are denying that any kind of violence ever took place. However there is supposedly a DVD out there some where floating around like a mine at sea, which shows Oksana's bloody and bruised face following a Mel Gibson attack. Mel's people are supposedly desperately trying to verify the existence of the tape, locate it, and then terminate it's potential as a threat. Sounds very CIA doesn't it? Can't really blame him. As Chris Brown could tell him, pictures speak much louder than words!



Oksana Grigoreiva has officially denied through TMZ & Radaronline, that she leaked the tapes. She did say that she began making them after Mel made repeated threats on her life.

Michael Lohan: Dining out on bad parenthood

Mel isn't the only celebrity in a world of grief these days. Lindsay Lohan has finally got sentenced to 90 days in jail, plus 90 days in rehab. While Dina broke down in court, shrieking "Why, why, why?" - because you're daughter is a drug addict who endangers the lives of others every time she gets behind the wheel of a car - and insisting that this was "so not fair to my child" & that's true cause it should've happened years ago; Michael Lohan hit the bars, Hours after the sentencing he was pictured living it up @ The Saddle Ranch. That's reputedly the wildest bar on Sunset Strip! I'm sure that Michael just needs to blow off some grief so that he can keep up his hectic schedule of media conferences & press releases.

irresponsible combinations

As for Lindsay, she's been getting some help keeping it together. Lindsay had some dental work a little while back. It was a wisdom tooth procedure. Now you know how risky these things can be with celebrities. It was a wisdom tooth extraction that allegedly sent Mischa Barton to the psych ward on a 5150 hold order (filed by her mother?). Lindsay is a sensitive soul, so her dentist made sure that she was loaded up on goodies to see her through the trying weeks ahead, namely Dilaudid & amphetamines. Dilaudid is 3x more powerful than morphine!

Dilaudid & amphetamines seem like an irresponsible combination to give to a desperate and unstable woman at the time of her sentencing, but give the dentists a break. Lindsay is too old for a lollipop, unless it's a Fentanyl lolli. Just keep you fingers crossed for Lindsay during the next few weeks, cause Dilaudid + amphetamines is a recipe for an overdose!




BTW a heads up to Olivia Munn fan's. Olivia, occasionally featured int his very blog, has her new book out soon. This after getting a walk on in Ironman 2 (she was the reporter at the Stark Expo), and after being the rumoured choice to play Wasp in the upcoming Batman! She's a busy gal. She also regularly makes the men's mag's 100 hottest chick lists! Keep appraised of Munn's book news through her twitter account Oliviamunn!





Had DC only realized what a rich vein of subtle self parodying humour could be found in Wonder Woman (like Superman back in the golden days when the comic was basically a situation comedy instead of a graphic novel narrative!), then they might have avoid the recent issue 600 major overhaul!