"I've been making fun of Angelina Jolie since she made out with her brother,"
Chelsea Handler managed to get herself some major attention recently. Ms Handler was doing a stand up performance when one of the young women in the audience got a little rowdy. Chelsea told the bitch to shut the fuck up (Handler can get mouthy when she's been drinkin'), pointing out that drunken heckling wouldn't be a good memory for the woman the following day. It might not have been a good memory for Chelsea either because next she started into a tirade about Angelina Jolie. Basically she called Jolie a "homewrecker". That's not telling tales out of school. However her next comments went a little over the line, maybe. Handler referred to Jolie's comments about not having many female friends and stated "Of course not, because you're a fucking cunt and a fucking bitch!" That was the cheap shot heard round the world.
troublesome cable transmissions
Naturally that provoked something of a backlash. Jolie's fans, and she still has them (though not as many as Sarah Palin!), were irate. They took to internet message boards in droves calling Handler a drunken skank with about as much sense of humour as Sarah Silverman on the rag(now that's offensive!). Lot's of old business got churned up too: like her numerous hook ups, and her relationship with Ted Harbert, president and CEO of Comcast's entertainment division (which owns E! channel). It was pointed out that since she was dating the guy who basically gave her a show she didn't have to be any funnier than Silverman back when she was dating Jimmy Kimmel (and still had a comedy career). BTW Habert is not to be confused with Brian Roberts who is the pres of Comcast. Harbert is the Handler guy, while Roberts is the one who told Bill Gates to shut the fuck up when the Microsoft chair tried to sell TV exces the same flaky tech for cable transmission that proved so troublesome to IBM.
The Gates' incident occurred back in the days when Bill was at the height and zenith of his power. He'd arranged a big sit down with the TV people, Roberts among 'em, and then went into his hi powered sales routine. Bill had this new tech that he promised would revolutionize the TV industry. The tech in question was a device in the form of a box that was to be mounted on top of TV sets.
big bang theories
Naturally the box would run on a Microsoft operating system. Microsoft would then charge the companies their usual licensing fee for the software. This was the same set up as MicroS (or MSoft if you prefer)had with Big Blue and their PC's. Now some folk think that the arrangement didn't work out so well for IBM (the McLuhanists maintain that IBM merely missed the point. They were still back in the industrial age and selling computers like farm equipment. As Marshall McLuhan himself pointed out, they failed to realize that they were really in the information business!).
nerds of note
Well Bill concludes his big deal presentation and then sits back to see what the prospective costumers think. Gates didn't have to wait long for feedback. It was Comcast Pres Roberts who piped up, saying "Well, Bill, let me be the first to say, 'No fucking way.'" Perhaps the whole IBM thing had soured him. Then again nerds with Asperger's Syndrome don't always hit it off in the world of entertainment (unless their Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg). Of course the story is apocryphal, which means that it may never have happened - so the story has a place here!
Hollywood gone Riverdale
Anyway back to Chelsea and that big mouth of hers. Handler's mouth has always been loaded for big game. That should be no surprise. It's also no surprise that she's a good friend of Jolie's feared nemesis Jennifer Aniston. To update the half dozen people in the world who don't know Aniston is the gal that homewrecking cunt Angelina Jolie stole Brad Pitt from. That was back during the filming of Mr & Mrs Smith, and has lead to America's longest running real life soap opera as the threesome (Brad, Jolie, & Jen) continue to act out the whole Archie, Betty, & Veronica routine before an enthralled public.
release dates & keeping up with Kardashian
While Brad and Angelina raided the third world for chic causes to support and adorable orphans to adopt, Jen moped around. She made some halfhearted stabs at romance; usually with her co stars and usually at about the time of her films' release dates. The relationships generally broke up after the 1st or 2nd week's box office returns came in, causing some to speculate that the hook ups were promotional stunts, like Kim Kardashian's Gabriel Aubry hook up. Kardashian will do anything to hype herself including date Justin Bieber - sort of, pose in a coffin, and quit Twitter. Publicity's been a down hill slide for her, and about the only stunt she hasn't pulled is posing on a platter with an apple in her mouth, Hawaiian luau style! She's kind of like Lady Gaga without the talent & flair.who's afraid of the big bad bunny?
Speaking of Kardashian she may as well be Anna Nicole Smith without the drama. Anna Nicole was an example of what can happen when bunnies go bad, and was a kind of contrast to Pamela Anderson. Anderson was also a proud graduate of the Playboy School of Self Exploitation. Whereas Anderson was a good Canadian bunny who was gracious and grateful for her opportunities, took a bit part in a popular comedy, and then went on to become successful by finding a project she could do in a bathing suit; Anna Nicole Smith was the big bad bunny who married a decrepit Mr. Burns type billionaire for money (unless she had even creepy reasons and with Anna, let's face it, who knows), quarreled with her family on the nightly news (remember her "Bring it on Momma" to her mother Virgie Arther back on an old ABC Dateline?), and work in reality TV. In many ways her life was reality TV. Not that this has anything to do with Brangeliniston.
Cox the fox & entertainment gravitas
What does have to do with Brangliston is Jennifer Aniston who when we left her was moping and pining around with her co stars. You can only do that for so long until it becomes monotonous (and when has America's favorite triangle ever been anything but monotonous?) so Jen worked in some new moves like hangin' with Courtney Cox. That relationship must've gotten strained about the time of Cox's David Arquette troubles. Divorce talk would've brought back bad memories and besides, Arquette's issues are just so creepy what with the "Mommy, Mommy!" and the allegedly thumb sucking (unless that's apocryphal too)! So Aniston gravitated to some one more fun, like Chelsea Handler!
"Weren't you Jennifer Aniston" & heavy duty female bonding
Aniston and Handler have been paling around together lately. The gals were recently down inn San Cabo, Mexico where the ladies indulged in the favorite pastimes together: Aniston toked up while Helsea Chandler got juiced on vodka and hit on random men. Anyway it made a nice change from weepy Courtney. Plus it had the added advantage of making Aniston seem relevant by hanging with a cool edgy comedy chick, while Chelsea enjoyed being mistaken for Aniston by locals! So with all that heavy duty female Jolier than thou and the biggest baddest bunny of them all!
That brings us up to the backlash. Handler might not have been expecting that since if she had she wouldn't have said it (unless that was all part of the plan!). Besides, as as a more toned down Handler has been recently explaining in her numerous recent damage control statements she's always made fun of Jolie. She's been making fun of Jolie for 5 years or more. In fact she's been making fun of Jolie from back in the days when Jolie restricted her sexual activities to friends and allegedly close blood relatives, and well before she became a home wrecking cunt bitch whore on a one woman jihad against marriage - or what ever it was that Handler recently called her.
the beef goes on!
Handler makes a good point there. Not that Jolie is a home wrecking cunt bitch whore on a one woman jihad against marriage; but that she's been making these jokes for an awfully long time. It's safe for her to say that because this whole damned thing has been going on for a long time, a damned long time. Brangeliston has been a tabloid - late night monologue mainstay for years. So much so that it's surprising that anyone still pays attention. Even more so since Brangeliston, like Chandler herself, has been short on fresh material lately. So that being said It's surprising that anyone still cares enough about Brangeliston to still pay attention, let alone care enough to work up the bile required to get outraged and storm the Internet. Or as Chelsea might say "So what's the big deal?"
