Angelina Jolie - she has the DNA of an Adonis (Pitt's, stored in the freezer), but where's her tiger's blood lately?
It's been a hectic week for celebrities and not just because of the Oscars. There have been a whole slew of high profile entertainment freak outs recently. Charlie's Sheen's children have been removed from his home as his war with CBS escalates into a custody battle, and after some very odd public statements. John Galliano got canned from Christian Dior after telling some French couple that they were ugly Jews or something. Since they video taped the exchange it got onto youtube and there was no saving Galliano after that. Oh yeah and Christina Aguelira got picked up for being drunk and disorderly fresh off of her Superbowl mess up. With all that action some of the more mild manner celebrities must be feeling neglected.wild bitch becomes mild witch
Now no one ever considered Angelina Jolie mild mannered; at least not back when she was bad ass and cool. Back then she was pulling all kinds of stunts like getting tattoos and marrying Billy Bob Thornton. There were also some colorful rumors about her leisure time activities that had the actress, allegedly, wearing a ball gag and nipple clamps while being walked around sub style on a dog leash by her dom. Oh yeah and there was the smack she reputedly liked to smoke. So she was one wild bitch.
middle aged crazy
Then she got involved in serial adoption, Brad Pitt, and some really lackluster films. Now for one thing once you're in a stable long term relationship with about 8 kids you can't go tearing around like you're off your meds. For one thing if Child Protective Services gets called then TMZ is gonna have a field day. For another if push comes to shove and you part ways with your significant other then all those crazy stunts are gonna weigh against you in the custody hearing. The custody hearings are very important because who gets the kids determines who gets the lion's share of asset division. So whether or not Jolie was thinking that far ahead, she was slipping into her own version of middle age.
winning without an encore
The thing about entertainment is that the show goes on. So while Jolie was doing bad films and failing at the box office, fans moved on to the next flavor of the month. As a matter of fact that happened with such a pace that hotties like Megan Fox came and went while Jolie continued to burn through her career half life. Still the score board doesn't lie, and Jolie hadn't even made the World's Most Beautiful lists in five years. This even though Halle Berry did it in her 40's and a year or so after having her kid. Even if Jolie had the DNA of a Venus and Tiger Blood in her veins, this was not winning!
losing face
It's seems that Jolie is about to face up to the situation in a drastic way. According to the National Enquirer, Jolie is so hurt, humiliated, and afraid that she's losing her looks that she's about to takes some major corrective steps. The big step is plastic surgery. According to sources close to Jolie the actress has decided to fuck with her face, and in fact considers it to be almost a live saving emergency medical procedure. Her partner Pitt has begged her to leave well enough alone, but Angie won't hear it. She's determined to do whatever necessary to save face. According to the Enquirer it's going down like this:"Angelina is freaked out. She's convinced that she's losing her looks, and she will take drastic measures ASAP," an insider told The ENQUIRER.
"It is as if Angie's made this surgery her number one priority and views it practically as a full-fledged emergency. She knows exactly what she wants done and despite the fact that there will be excruciating pain, she's plowing ahead."
The Tourist star wants a mini face-lift that includes a neck-lift to reduce her saggy jowls, said the insider.
"She also wants to smooth out the creases in her neck, and she intends to get fat grafts to fill in age lines and plump up her face. To finish off her makeover, Angie wants upper eyelid surgery to lift her droopy eyelids."
A nose job is also on the agenda, the source said.
"Angie wants to smooth out a bump on her nose and make it look more refined. She's always complained her nose is too large," said the source.
"Angelina can't stand the thought of losing her standing as Hollywood's greatest beauty," said the source. "She's convinced her career will start to slide and the only answer is a drastic facial makeover."
didn't you used to be Angelina Jolie?
This was bound to happen. After the Tourist bombed at the box office it looked like Jolie had lost the last of her luster. When she was nominated for best actress in a comedy @ the SAGS based on her Tourist performance - The Tourist was not a comedy, for the vast majority of you who haven't yet seen the film - it was a slap in the kisser that only added insult to injury. So that must've left Jolie in a position many actresses whose careers are based on their looks get in - it's like Austin Powers losing his mojo or the Fonz losing his cool.
ugly is like death without any of the advantages
When things reach this point then there are some typical stages actresses go through. Plastic surgery is first. Then comes nuisance law suits against tabloids - as Catherine Zeta Jones and Kate Beckinsale have done. The nonsense suits keep firms like Lavely & Singer in business. Sometimes a life long political cause will become a way to get attention by stirring up trouble - the way moldy sex tart Bridget Bardot almost caused a jihad in Paris by taking on that country's Muslim community by writing an inflammatory public letter accusing them of barbarism against animals (Muslims celebrity a holiday similar to Easter or Passover by killing a goat for a meal. Bardot wrote a letter about it to one of Paris' big dailies in which she lapsed into full Napoleonic chauvinism. The punch line was that she called 'em a bunch of stinkers and said that they had no place in France, which was for the French! So they should stop tearing the country apart, leave, and take their goat sacrifices with them.). Finally they come to the end of the fame road. That usually means making painful tell all disclosures - Oprah Winfrey style - about their childhood and past. No one can be quite sure how many of these disclosures are made up, since professional actresses are willing to do or say anything to be the center of attention. After that there's nothing much left except going broke, getting into tax trouble, and fucking the electrician to get your renovations done. Doing pantomine on the UK may or may not be an option.
Even Sarah Palin is hotter
The upshot is that Jolie has one foot on the edge of the slippery slope. Once she treads down that path there will be less reason to come back then to go to further and farther extremes. I'm not saying we could be looking at some kind of Palin-Jolie Republican presidential ticket in 2012, but her father would love that. Jolie has dabbled in politics, by way of world tragedy and the Economist, but has never made her party loyalties known. The sad truth is that she'd be No 2 on that ticket, so her ego should keep her out of it.
Jolie: it's time to release that album I've been saving
Hopefully desperate ego boosting and face saving will never get that far, but the point is it could lead to some weird stuff. No one wants to see Jolie playing Octomom in a movie because she's attention hungry and it's a gimmick she's willing to try. No one wants to see her looking more like Octomom after some surgical readjustments. Hocking her social conscience in telethons would be another step down. Especially if that involves her singing "for the first time, and on national TV". That could lead to an album! Even that would be better than some Charlie Sheen style freak out in which an incoherent Jolie berates the president while Child Protective Services remove Brad Pitt from the home. Those are worst case scenarios - I expect her to mature into a nuisance and busy body like Bridget Bardot; and start stirring up tensions throughout the world by meddling in natural disasters.
Swingin' on a star? You might be better off as you are!
So the point is: Angelina Jolie, if you're out there, and you probably are - actresses in your position spend unusual amounts of time googling themselves. They compulsively check out each and every new google search entry in the hope of finding something flattering, or just as good, offensive - then take some words of friendly advice. You've had a Hollywood career. You're in a relationship with Brad Pitt. You've got oodles of kids. You've got more money than you'll ever spend; unless you get stupid and go on cocaine, in which case you'll be broke in under a decade. Your life sounds like it's got the ingredients to be pretty good. So don't do anything rash. Maybe the problem is that you've been using the wrong recipe. Don't mix it up, blend it!
